I met with my advisor the other day regarding finishing my master's program and applying for the doctorate program. I'm going to have make some choices which is always difficult for me. I always worry about making the right one. It reminds me of a story I read once by Sylvia Path.
"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."
I think of this all the time and yet, I still have trouble with choosing. Sometimes looking too far into the future and planning makes moving forward so much harder. This blog, Doctor Who will be a chronicle of my journey to becoming a Ph.D.
So I guess it's time to take the first step toward an goal and not away from one in fear. GRE here I come.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly
Today we leave 2010 behind and take a step in the future, 2011. I look back at 2010 to remember the good things that happened, learn from the bad things, and put closure to the ugly things.
THE GOOD - This year I finished my first semester of my Master's program with a 4.0 and entered into my second semester. I took on a new role at work which I really enjoy. My job and the people are great. In May, my husband came home for R&R from Iraq and finally in August was home for good. That was the best part of 2010. We traveled several places this year. My daughter and I traveled to Colorado in July to see one of my childhood friends. Thanks to the power of Facebook I was able to find her and we have been in touch ever since. The family went to Minnesota to watch Vikings play Cowboys. Seeing my Vikings beat Dallas in person was a highlights of 2010. Our trip to California for Thanksgiving was filled with memories as we visited with family, reconnected with old friends, and looked back at my childhood. I saw many good friends from the Fx days and also revisited my grandparents home where I grew up. Kids are doing good in school and are healthy. What more can you ask for? Hubs was finally reunited with his kids this Christmas when they came to visit. All of us had so much fun playing games, rocking out on Rock Band, and opening gifts. Husband and I celebrated our 3rd Anniversary and that in itself is the best part of 2010.
THE BAD - The top spot goes to my daughter who decided to go for a joy ride without a licensed driver and wrecked the truck. Not a fun time but a lesson learned for her. After huge fines, insurance, and a court appearance, she won't being do that again. No one old me the teenage years were the hardest. I've learned a lot about letting go to allow to grow. A very hard lesson to learn.
THE UGLY - the winner is.......hubby's deployment to Iraq. Although it started in 2009, it was still was very definitely present through most of 2010. Sure it could have been a lot worse. It was still ugly and not something you look forward to repeating. Glad it is behind us.
So there you have it. My Good, Bad, Ugly for 2010. As I write this I am realizing that 2010 was a good year. Many more good things happened then bad. Time to move forward into 2011.
THE GOOD - This year I finished my first semester of my Master's program with a 4.0 and entered into my second semester. I took on a new role at work which I really enjoy. My job and the people are great. In May, my husband came home for R&R from Iraq and finally in August was home for good. That was the best part of 2010. We traveled several places this year. My daughter and I traveled to Colorado in July to see one of my childhood friends. Thanks to the power of Facebook I was able to find her and we have been in touch ever since. The family went to Minnesota to watch Vikings play Cowboys. Seeing my Vikings beat Dallas in person was a highlights of 2010. Our trip to California for Thanksgiving was filled with memories as we visited with family, reconnected with old friends, and looked back at my childhood. I saw many good friends from the Fx days and also revisited my grandparents home where I grew up. Kids are doing good in school and are healthy. What more can you ask for? Hubs was finally reunited with his kids this Christmas when they came to visit. All of us had so much fun playing games, rocking out on Rock Band, and opening gifts. Husband and I celebrated our 3rd Anniversary and that in itself is the best part of 2010.
THE BAD - The top spot goes to my daughter who decided to go for a joy ride without a licensed driver and wrecked the truck. Not a fun time but a lesson learned for her. After huge fines, insurance, and a court appearance, she won't being do that again. No one old me the teenage years were the hardest. I've learned a lot about letting go to allow to grow. A very hard lesson to learn.
THE UGLY - the winner is.......hubby's deployment to Iraq. Although it started in 2009, it was still was very definitely present through most of 2010. Sure it could have been a lot worse. It was still ugly and not something you look forward to repeating. Glad it is behind us.
So there you have it. My Good, Bad, Ugly for 2010. As I write this I am realizing that 2010 was a good year. Many more good things happened then bad. Time to move forward into 2011.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Time Keeps on Tick'n
Yeah it's been a while. Why? Because I've been so damn busy. After hubby returned from deployment it has been a whirlwind of activity. School started for the both the kids and I, which also meant that I went back to working 20 hours a week at the university.
Then add the change in family dynamic going from three members back to four. Just scheduling our daily lives between homework, dinner, chores, school activities, is crazy. By the time I realize what's happened the day is over, then a week has past, then two, three and then it's next month.
I thought that this year I would have so much more time: my classes are more manageable; the job allows me to work from home two days a week; and hubby is here to help. Still it seems has if I have less time to get things accomplished.
Maybe as we get older, it seems as if time goes faster. Like sand in an hourglass, towards the end it appears that the sand is falling to the bottom faster than before. Funny how when we want more time, the minutes fly by and when we want something to be over it just drags on and on. As it was during the deployment, long and dragged out. Now that he is back time is fleeting. It worries me sometimes that we'll run out of time. For what, I don't know. Another deployment? A change of some sort? Who knows what is ahead.
Yet, time remains constant. Only 24 hrs in day. No more, no less. Regardless of how we perceive it. So we'll just keep plugg'n along one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Then add the change in family dynamic going from three members back to four. Just scheduling our daily lives between homework, dinner, chores, school activities, is crazy. By the time I realize what's happened the day is over, then a week has past, then two, three and then it's next month.
I thought that this year I would have so much more time: my classes are more manageable; the job allows me to work from home two days a week; and hubby is here to help. Still it seems has if I have less time to get things accomplished.
Maybe as we get older, it seems as if time goes faster. Like sand in an hourglass, towards the end it appears that the sand is falling to the bottom faster than before. Funny how when we want more time, the minutes fly by and when we want something to be over it just drags on and on. As it was during the deployment, long and dragged out. Now that he is back time is fleeting. It worries me sometimes that we'll run out of time. For what, I don't know. Another deployment? A change of some sort? Who knows what is ahead.
Yet, time remains constant. Only 24 hrs in day. No more, no less. Regardless of how we perceive it. So we'll just keep plugg'n along one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Friday, August 13, 2010
The End - Deployment Daze 331
IT'S OVER......That's right. Deployment has ended and hubby is home.
Redeployment ceremony was at 4:00 AM last Friday morning...whoa was that early. It was very difficult to get any sleep that night. Just a few moments here and there of dozing off. Nevertheless, kids and I were awake (barely) and ready to end this journey. The ceremony was thankfully very short and we were reunited and headed home within an hour or so.
Since then it has been a whirlwind of activity. We have been out to eat, on the lake, overnight trip to KC, and shopping like crazy. I love that my hubby likes to shop and has great taste in clothing. He is my personal stylist. It has been great having him home. At times it feels like it never happened.
There have been a few adjustments. Finding clothes all over the floor has been an annoying yet comforting addition. I now have to get back into the routine of cooking dinners again and fighting for my place in the bed. Oh and the age old struggle of too hot or too cold. I like it warm, he likes it cold so out come the blankets and sweaters. It's all good though.
Everyone gives advice on the best way to cope with deployment. All I can say is you get through it the best way you can. As in life, everyone is on their own journey. The advice and stories from others are great information, yet didn't always help or apply to me.
"Stay busy and the year will fly by," was probably the number one recommendation. Well I was plenty busy with two teenagers, a part-time job, and graduate school. It didn't make the time go by any faster. It was still approximately one year and it felt like it. In fact, I believe that being busy made it worse. There were times when I was so overwhelmed that it made the loneliness of deployment that much more obvious. So balance is the key. Busy enough not to be bored and lonely, yet not so overwhelmed that you feel like your drowning and no one is there to save you.
I did many things that supposedly you shouldn't do during deployment. I watched the news. Something we were repeatedly told is not a good idea. Well, I'm a fairly intelligent person and I watch the news because I am interested in what is happening in the world. It kept me informed about what was going on. However, I was also not naive enough to think that everything I heard or read was all there was to the story. I pulled information from a variety of sources and discussed with my hubby. I educated myself on the region he was in so that when a story was reported I was able to make a intelligent assessment. For me not knowing is worse so I stayed informed as best I could.
My hubby and I discussed many things. If something was wrong or there were problems, I talked to him about it just like I would have if he was home. I involved him as much as possible so he still felt connected and a part of the family. He would talk to me about things that bothered him. That is how we are and it works for us. I think it helped make the transition home easier. There weren't any surprises. We both knew what we had gone through.
Although I didn't always follow the advice of seasoned spouses or military personnel, I got through it. At times it was very difficult. At times easy. I am thankful that he was stationed on a base where we had constant communication. Thank God for the technology today that allowed us to talk and see each other daily. That, I know, made all the difference in the world.
As for the rest, it's all about knowing you, your soldier, and your family and what fits best within that dynamic. Listen to the advice of others, take what you need and leave the rest. So I end with this to sum up my deployment experience:
Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way
To my honey, Welcome home!
Redeployment ceremony was at 4:00 AM last Friday morning...whoa was that early. It was very difficult to get any sleep that night. Just a few moments here and there of dozing off. Nevertheless, kids and I were awake (barely) and ready to end this journey. The ceremony was thankfully very short and we were reunited and headed home within an hour or so.
Since then it has been a whirlwind of activity. We have been out to eat, on the lake, overnight trip to KC, and shopping like crazy. I love that my hubby likes to shop and has great taste in clothing. He is my personal stylist. It has been great having him home. At times it feels like it never happened.
There have been a few adjustments. Finding clothes all over the floor has been an annoying yet comforting addition. I now have to get back into the routine of cooking dinners again and fighting for my place in the bed. Oh and the age old struggle of too hot or too cold. I like it warm, he likes it cold so out come the blankets and sweaters. It's all good though.
Everyone gives advice on the best way to cope with deployment. All I can say is you get through it the best way you can. As in life, everyone is on their own journey. The advice and stories from others are great information, yet didn't always help or apply to me.
"Stay busy and the year will fly by," was probably the number one recommendation. Well I was plenty busy with two teenagers, a part-time job, and graduate school. It didn't make the time go by any faster. It was still approximately one year and it felt like it. In fact, I believe that being busy made it worse. There were times when I was so overwhelmed that it made the loneliness of deployment that much more obvious. So balance is the key. Busy enough not to be bored and lonely, yet not so overwhelmed that you feel like your drowning and no one is there to save you.
I did many things that supposedly you shouldn't do during deployment. I watched the news. Something we were repeatedly told is not a good idea. Well, I'm a fairly intelligent person and I watch the news because I am interested in what is happening in the world. It kept me informed about what was going on. However, I was also not naive enough to think that everything I heard or read was all there was to the story. I pulled information from a variety of sources and discussed with my hubby. I educated myself on the region he was in so that when a story was reported I was able to make a intelligent assessment. For me not knowing is worse so I stayed informed as best I could.
My hubby and I discussed many things. If something was wrong or there were problems, I talked to him about it just like I would have if he was home. I involved him as much as possible so he still felt connected and a part of the family. He would talk to me about things that bothered him. That is how we are and it works for us. I think it helped make the transition home easier. There weren't any surprises. We both knew what we had gone through.
Although I didn't always follow the advice of seasoned spouses or military personnel, I got through it. At times it was very difficult. At times easy. I am thankful that he was stationed on a base where we had constant communication. Thank God for the technology today that allowed us to talk and see each other daily. That, I know, made all the difference in the world.
As for the rest, it's all about knowing you, your soldier, and your family and what fits best within that dynamic. Listen to the advice of others, take what you need and leave the rest. So I end with this to sum up my deployment experience:
Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way
To my honey, Welcome home!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Only Way Out is Through - Deployment Daze 323
The final day is here. I woke up this morning and immediately checked my email and the virtual FRG site. No changes. No phone calls. Facebook statuses....normal. Everything is going ahead as scheduled. Ran some errands and came home to.....Facebook comments about delays and new calls from Rear-D. Well crap!
So I check the virtual FRG website and my email, sure enough the times had changed. Pushed back another two hours. Disappointing to say the least. Surprising? Not at all. Seems to be a regular occurrence that the flights get delayed some way some how. Still have not received an official phone call notifying me of the new time, and I'm now over half way through the day. Without Facebook I wouldn't have even known there was a change.
Oh well, what's a girl to do?
The best part of the day was hearing from my hubby that he was boarding a plane home. No one can prepare you for how that changes everything. It finally is sinking in that in less than 24 hrs we will be reunited. It is a weird feeling, full of excitement, impatience, anxiety, and stress.
These final hours are pure torture. Checking websites every few minutes. Waiting for phone calls. Hoping you hear something and then praying you don't. I've been told that the only way out is through. So I go through the rest of day knowing that each hour brings me closer to the end.
To my honey, I will see you soon.
So I check the virtual FRG website and my email, sure enough the times had changed. Pushed back another two hours. Disappointing to say the least. Surprising? Not at all. Seems to be a regular occurrence that the flights get delayed some way some how. Still have not received an official phone call notifying me of the new time, and I'm now over half way through the day. Without Facebook I wouldn't have even known there was a change.
Oh well, what's a girl to do?
The best part of the day was hearing from my hubby that he was boarding a plane home. No one can prepare you for how that changes everything. It finally is sinking in that in less than 24 hrs we will be reunited. It is a weird feeling, full of excitement, impatience, anxiety, and stress.
These final hours are pure torture. Checking websites every few minutes. Waiting for phone calls. Hoping you hear something and then praying you don't. I've been told that the only way out is through. So I go through the rest of day knowing that each hour brings me closer to the end.
To my honey, I will see you soon.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
When Is It My Turn? - Deployment Daze 321
Finally!!!! Received the phone call today. The wait has been excruciating. Going into the last week waiting for some type of announcement, email, phone call, anything was driving me nuts. Sure I talked with hubby and had an idea of what to expect. However, getting the official call from "the powers-that-be" makes it real. It is actually happening...and soon!
Wow! This means that I'm close to ending this crazy journey called deployment. It is hard for me to reflect on my experiences over the last year because the last few weeks have skewed my judgement. So I'll save that for another time. Right now, I wait and watch.
Watch the time tick slowly and the calendar days roll by. I've been busy...however that hasn't helped make these last few days any easier. I think this has been the hardest part. It is frustrating to say the least. Knowing that everyone is just waiting...soldier husband waiting for a flight....you waiting for a date and time...watching others celebrate redeployment. I'm happy for them and yet there is that inner child screaming.."I want my turn!" "When is it my turn?" Then I feel guilty for sounding selfish. Whew! The emotions are running from one end of the spectrum to another. Guilt, excitement, anger, sadness, frustration, joy, laughter, humor..they're all here, like one big party in my head.
So I keep busy cleaning so the house looks nice. Getting the dog groomed, boat cleaned, and his truck detailed..oh and the hair, nails, etc. so everything looks good including me. And still the time ticks slowly and the days roll by....
And I... wait... for my turn!
To my honey, Patience is not one of my virtues....
Wow! This means that I'm close to ending this crazy journey called deployment. It is hard for me to reflect on my experiences over the last year because the last few weeks have skewed my judgement. So I'll save that for another time. Right now, I wait and watch.
Watch the time tick slowly and the calendar days roll by. I've been busy...however that hasn't helped make these last few days any easier. I think this has been the hardest part. It is frustrating to say the least. Knowing that everyone is just waiting...soldier husband waiting for a flight....you waiting for a date and time...watching others celebrate redeployment. I'm happy for them and yet there is that inner child screaming.."I want my turn!" "When is it my turn?" Then I feel guilty for sounding selfish. Whew! The emotions are running from one end of the spectrum to another. Guilt, excitement, anger, sadness, frustration, joy, laughter, humor..they're all here, like one big party in my head.
So I keep busy cleaning so the house looks nice. Getting the dog groomed, boat cleaned, and his truck detailed..oh and the hair, nails, etc. so everything looks good including me. And still the time ticks slowly and the days roll by....
And I... wait... for my turn!
To my honey, Patience is not one of my virtues....
Friday, July 30, 2010
Redeployment Delirium - Deployment Daze 317
Don't mess with a woman on the edge! What edge? The edge of redeployment...which also means the edge of insanity. What's wrong with me? I have Redeployment Delirium. It is a form of delirium brought on by the slow torture of waiting for your husband to redeploy home.
Delirium: A temporary state of mental confusion. Characterized by anxiety, disorientation, hallucinations, delusions, and incoherent speech. A state of uncontrolled excitement or emotion.
I have experienced everyone of these symptoms. I was wondering why my words, ringing clear in my head, would get all twisted up and come out a complete mess. I sound like a blabbering idiot have the time.
The closer the possible return date approaches the worse the delirium becomes. Although I don't feel anxious, there is a feeling of tension in the air. I don't know how to explain it, except that there is a change in the energy surrounding me. The kids feel it. The dog senses it. I notice that everyone is just a little on edge. Tempers are shorter, emotions are higher and my dog is acting a fool. It seems like there has been a shift in the cosmic force of the universe.
Of course what has led me to this state of mind is the damn Deployment Curse (Curses). Everyday it is something. Some little thing that doesn't go just right. If this deployment doesn't end soon my husband may have to come visit me in a psych ward (not a crazy house type, but more like a resort/spa type). Add to that the limbo that you are forced to endure as you wait.... and wait.... and wait for this unknown, date and time. Knowing it is getting close, yet not knowing "officially" when. No way to make plans. No way to let anyone know. No wonder we're all going crazy.
Sadly, there is no cure for this ailment. No quick fix. No pill. It is has run it's course. So I face everyday with hope and faith as each one brings me one step closer to the end. Closer to normalcy. Until then..... DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN ON THE EDGE!!
To my honey, I'll let you know if my address has changed to the "Military Wives Nut House Resort and Spa". When you get off the bus come get me, ok?
Delirium: A temporary state of mental confusion. Characterized by anxiety, disorientation, hallucinations, delusions, and incoherent speech. A state of uncontrolled excitement or emotion.
I have experienced everyone of these symptoms. I was wondering why my words, ringing clear in my head, would get all twisted up and come out a complete mess. I sound like a blabbering idiot have the time.
The closer the possible return date approaches the worse the delirium becomes. Although I don't feel anxious, there is a feeling of tension in the air. I don't know how to explain it, except that there is a change in the energy surrounding me. The kids feel it. The dog senses it. I notice that everyone is just a little on edge. Tempers are shorter, emotions are higher and my dog is acting a fool. It seems like there has been a shift in the cosmic force of the universe.
Of course what has led me to this state of mind is the damn Deployment Curse (Curses). Everyday it is something. Some little thing that doesn't go just right. If this deployment doesn't end soon my husband may have to come visit me in a psych ward (not a crazy house type, but more like a resort/spa type). Add to that the limbo that you are forced to endure as you wait.... and wait.... and wait for this unknown, date and time. Knowing it is getting close, yet not knowing "officially" when. No way to make plans. No way to let anyone know. No wonder we're all going crazy.
Sadly, there is no cure for this ailment. No quick fix. No pill. It is has run it's course. So I face everyday with hope and faith as each one brings me one step closer to the end. Closer to normalcy. Until then..... DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN ON THE EDGE!!
To my honey, I'll let you know if my address has changed to the "Military Wives Nut House Resort and Spa". When you get off the bus come get me, ok?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Curses - Deployment Daze 313
Have I told you I hate grass? I don't get the love affair out here in the Midwest with huge lawns. They are nothing but a waste. Waste of time, energy and water. See where I come from, lawns, if they exist at all, are small. A tiny patch in the front maybe one in the back with built in sprinkler system. It may take four swipes with a mower. Not here in Kansas. Lawns have to be huge. So I hate grass. And let me add I HATE DEPLOYMENT.
This current confession arises from my battle with the lawn mower yesterday. We have a huge yard to mow which includes a steep hill. Add a deployment which means I'm the lucky one to keep it mowed. Throw in a push mower and you can hear me cursing all the way in Iraq. So I try to avoid and put off as long as possible mowing the yard. Every time it rains I curse the sky for making my grass grow. Well deployment is almost over so I can't avoid it any longer.
When deployment is nearing the end everything changes. You want everything to look nice and things to be in order so your husband doesn't have to deal with it when he gets home. I mean the last thing he is going to want to see is 5 ft high grass when he pulls into the driveway. So out came the lawn mower and off I went. Except after maybe four swipes the lawn mower quits. Great! Like I know how to fix a lawn mower. No one told me to take mechanic lessons before he left. So as I pull and pull and pull the damn cord, my self-talk kicks in and it isn't pretty. Everything related to this deployment takes a hit. With every pull..."Stupid government...." "Dumb (beep) President Bush..." "Why didn't HE leave me a (beep) mower that is easy to use!" "I'm too old for this (beep)." "Come on...give me a (beep) break, will ya?" You get the picture. So I dropped to ground, in the middle of my huge back yard, where everyone can see, flat on my back, face to the sky, arms and legs sprawled out, and cried. "Why?" "What did I do to deserve this?"
STOP right there! Hold On! Don't even think it. I'm not some cry baby. Let me back up a little and clarify. I didn't crumble into a blubbering idiot because of this one incident. No. My voyage towards mental meltdown started two weeks ago. The lawn mowing fiasco is one of many disasters that have hit.
You see, there's one thing that will descend upon you during a deployment. Everyone will warn you about it. They even try to prepare you for it with classes and legal paper work. You laugh it off thinking it won't happen to you. (I did.) But, no one escapes unscathed. It's Murphy's Law....what can go wrong will go wrong. I call it the Deployment Curse.
I had been going along fairly smoothly throughout this deployment. No major incidents. Nothing broken, lost, damaged, falling apart, etc. (Well except for the dog almost dying from chocolate see A Little Luck.) But other than that, nothing! Until now. As we near the end of deployment it seems as the whole world is falling apart. A year's worth of the curse all saved up for the last few weeks. About seven things have happened in past two weeks ranging from a car accident in his truck to a coffee flooded break room. So when the lawn mower decided to die that was it. I could take no more. Went into the house, called a lawn service and scheduled a mowing for this week.
Each day that brings me closer to the end of this thing called deployment also brings a sense of apprehension. What next? Needless to say I can't wait for this deployment to be over and exorcise this curse from our lives.
Did I tell you I hate grass?
To my honey, HURRY UP!!!!!
This current confession arises from my battle with the lawn mower yesterday. We have a huge yard to mow which includes a steep hill. Add a deployment which means I'm the lucky one to keep it mowed. Throw in a push mower and you can hear me cursing all the way in Iraq. So I try to avoid and put off as long as possible mowing the yard. Every time it rains I curse the sky for making my grass grow. Well deployment is almost over so I can't avoid it any longer.
When deployment is nearing the end everything changes. You want everything to look nice and things to be in order so your husband doesn't have to deal with it when he gets home. I mean the last thing he is going to want to see is 5 ft high grass when he pulls into the driveway. So out came the lawn mower and off I went. Except after maybe four swipes the lawn mower quits. Great! Like I know how to fix a lawn mower. No one told me to take mechanic lessons before he left. So as I pull and pull and pull the damn cord, my self-talk kicks in and it isn't pretty. Everything related to this deployment takes a hit. With every pull..."Stupid government...." "Dumb (beep) President Bush..." "Why didn't HE leave me a (beep) mower that is easy to use!" "I'm too old for this (beep)." "Come on...give me a (beep) break, will ya?" You get the picture. So I dropped to ground, in the middle of my huge back yard, where everyone can see, flat on my back, face to the sky, arms and legs sprawled out, and cried. "Why?" "What did I do to deserve this?"
STOP right there! Hold On! Don't even think it. I'm not some cry baby. Let me back up a little and clarify. I didn't crumble into a blubbering idiot because of this one incident. No. My voyage towards mental meltdown started two weeks ago. The lawn mowing fiasco is one of many disasters that have hit.
You see, there's one thing that will descend upon you during a deployment. Everyone will warn you about it. They even try to prepare you for it with classes and legal paper work. You laugh it off thinking it won't happen to you. (I did.) But, no one escapes unscathed. It's Murphy's Law....what can go wrong will go wrong. I call it the Deployment Curse.
I had been going along fairly smoothly throughout this deployment. No major incidents. Nothing broken, lost, damaged, falling apart, etc. (Well except for the dog almost dying from chocolate see A Little Luck.) But other than that, nothing! Until now. As we near the end of deployment it seems as the whole world is falling apart. A year's worth of the curse all saved up for the last few weeks. About seven things have happened in past two weeks ranging from a car accident in his truck to a coffee flooded break room. So when the lawn mower decided to die that was it. I could take no more. Went into the house, called a lawn service and scheduled a mowing for this week.
Each day that brings me closer to the end of this thing called deployment also brings a sense of apprehension. What next? Needless to say I can't wait for this deployment to be over and exorcise this curse from our lives.
Did I tell you I hate grass?
To my honey, HURRY UP!!!!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
A Little Blasé - Deployment Daze 294
I received a notice from USPS today to come pick up a package. I knew that this was the two boxes that my soldier husband had sent home. Boxes full of stuff that made life more bearable in the sandbox. He has moved to tent city which means redeployment is nearing. Exciting right? One would think so and yet...I'm blasé. So what exactly does that mean?
Blasé - having indulged so much as to be unexcited, satiated,bored, indifferent
That says it all. I just want it done. I'm tired of my life revolving around this all consuming event. There is just nothing left to give to this thing call deployment. No more tears, frustration, excitement, anticipation, joy, or any other emotion.
So as I look towards redeployment, I struggle to find the sense of excitement that would seem appropriate for such an occasion. For me it is just one more thing between me and my man. I want to fast forward to the moment when I get to walk away with my husband and our life is not dictated by time zones, Internet speed, missions and missed phone calls. When our moments together aren't crushed by the overloaded bandwidth and inconvenient dropped connections. Which of course happens at the most critical moments.
Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to celebrate! Just not within clutches of the beast. I've had my fill of deployment and I'm ready to move on. Ready to throw a party! Just me, him and the kids. And...Deployment is not invited.
To my honey, as we near the final moments all I can think of is the drive home. While other envision running and jumping into their spouses arms, I think about how I can snatch you from the evil beast and run away with you. I wonder," Would they notice?" "How much trouble would we be in?" I guess it is ok to fantasize. I know for you it is different. I understand the importance of coming home and having the closure that only a redeployment ceremony can bring you. And because of its importance to your transition from one world to the other, I will share you if only for a brief moment. After that you're ALL MINE!
Blasé - having indulged so much as to be unexcited, satiated,bored, indifferent
That says it all. I just want it done. I'm tired of my life revolving around this all consuming event. There is just nothing left to give to this thing call deployment. No more tears, frustration, excitement, anticipation, joy, or any other emotion.
So as I look towards redeployment, I struggle to find the sense of excitement that would seem appropriate for such an occasion. For me it is just one more thing between me and my man. I want to fast forward to the moment when I get to walk away with my husband and our life is not dictated by time zones, Internet speed, missions and missed phone calls. When our moments together aren't crushed by the overloaded bandwidth and inconvenient dropped connections. Which of course happens at the most critical moments.
Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to celebrate! Just not within clutches of the beast. I've had my fill of deployment and I'm ready to move on. Ready to throw a party! Just me, him and the kids. And...Deployment is not invited.
To my honey, as we near the final moments all I can think of is the drive home. While other envision running and jumping into their spouses arms, I think about how I can snatch you from the evil beast and run away with you. I wonder," Would they notice?" "How much trouble would we be in?" I guess it is ok to fantasize. I know for you it is different. I understand the importance of coming home and having the closure that only a redeployment ceremony can bring you. And because of its importance to your transition from one world to the other, I will share you if only for a brief moment. After that you're ALL MINE!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
It Is What It Is - Deployment Daze 253
When is good enough, good enough? Why is it so impossible for people to enjoy the successes? Why can't a happy moment be just that? And when did 100% mean that you weren't working to your potential? REALLY??
I said in my description that my life is a roller coaster ride. Well here is the drop after reaching the top. I can't believe that no matter how much you do or how hard you work, it is never good enough. That moments of success are met with either negativity or criticism. The worse part is, it's from those closest to you.
Nothing is ever good enough. There is always something that has to be improved upon. Always something that needs to be solved. Why? I don't know. Probably because they have nothing better to do?
Well I'm done. 100% is what it is. 4.0 GPA is what it is. Success is what it is. Working your ass off so other can enjoy..well....If you don't think it is good enough then too bad. It is what it is!
I said in my description that my life is a roller coaster ride. Well here is the drop after reaching the top. I can't believe that no matter how much you do or how hard you work, it is never good enough. That moments of success are met with either negativity or criticism. The worse part is, it's from those closest to you.
Nothing is ever good enough. There is always something that has to be improved upon. Always something that needs to be solved. Why? I don't know. Probably because they have nothing better to do?
Well I'm done. 100% is what it is. 4.0 GPA is what it is. Success is what it is. Working your ass off so other can enjoy..well....If you don't think it is good enough then too bad. It is what it is!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Whirlwind of Activity - RnR
We're winding down our couple of weeks of RnR. Tomorrow he returns to Iraq. Whew! It has been a whirlwind of activity. There hasn't been much time for blogging. I have thoroughly enjoyed these two weeks although they have been hectic at times. We accomplished a lot of important to-do items and enjoyed a wonderful statecation.
My daughter is learning how to drive and with the purchase of a new, used car, she is learning how to drive a standard. Before long she will have her official license. (SCARY!) My hubby is amazingly patient with her. I don't see how he stays so calm.
We enjoyed many wonderful meals including a wild dinner with his parents, the boyfriend, prom dates and a bachelorette party. You had to of been there. Kansas City was an aboslute blast. The Great Wolf Lodge was so much fun. Between the indoor waterpark and the MagiQuest, we stayed busy. All of which would not have been possible without the main man. We will miss him this summer.
My daughter is learning how to drive and with the purchase of a new, used car, she is learning how to drive a standard. Before long she will have her official license. (SCARY!) My hubby is amazingly patient with her. I don't see how he stays so calm.
We enjoyed many wonderful meals including a wild dinner with his parents, the boyfriend, prom dates and a bachelorette party. You had to of been there. Kansas City was an aboslute blast. The Great Wolf Lodge was so much fun. Between the indoor waterpark and the MagiQuest, we stayed busy. All of which would not have been possible without the main man. We will miss him this summer.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Wait for it..Wait for it.. - Deployment Daze 222
After 222 long days, I finally get to see my hubby. He is scheduled to be returning to the states for RnR soon. I can't believe it is actually happening. Several times his RnR was pushed back. It was disappointing, but you learn to deal with that "hurry up and wait" scenario when you're an Army family. Regardless, the time I've waited for is here and I couldn't be more excited.
I'm actually surprised by my level of excitement. I didn't think I would be this effected. It is like when you pop the tab to a soda and it makes that whoosh sound. All these bubbles rush out and tickle your nose. Well my tab has been popped. I realize that while he was gone I had shut down a part of me. Part of me was on hold, waiting. With the phone call telling me what day and time to pick him up, my excitement and joy is rising to the surface. I can't wait. But I have to...
It's the hardest part. The waiting!. While in transit, the communication is null. We're in limbo. Waiting for the next call to tell us where he is at, what country. Watching the news, the weather, the volcano. Hoping nothing interferes with flights. Praying everything is on schedule. Waiting and waiting and waiting..for the words, "I'm in Dallas and I'm getting ready to fly home."
To my honey, I can't believe you'll be home soon. Every evening is a blessing because it is one more day closer to your arrival. The kids are so excited to see you. We've cleaned house like crazy all weekend so it will look nice for your return and when your parents come. Tux is excited too..he just doesn't know it. I'm sure when he sees you, he'll be so happy he pees. I'm probably going to cry when I see you, but I'll try not to. Hopefully when you get to read this, you'll be right where you belong. At home!
Play Safe, Play Smart
I'm actually surprised by my level of excitement. I didn't think I would be this effected. It is like when you pop the tab to a soda and it makes that whoosh sound. All these bubbles rush out and tickle your nose. Well my tab has been popped. I realize that while he was gone I had shut down a part of me. Part of me was on hold, waiting. With the phone call telling me what day and time to pick him up, my excitement and joy is rising to the surface. I can't wait. But I have to...
It's the hardest part. The waiting!. While in transit, the communication is null. We're in limbo. Waiting for the next call to tell us where he is at, what country. Watching the news, the weather, the volcano. Hoping nothing interferes with flights. Praying everything is on schedule. Waiting and waiting and waiting..for the words, "I'm in Dallas and I'm getting ready to fly home."
To my honey, I can't believe you'll be home soon. Every evening is a blessing because it is one more day closer to your arrival. The kids are so excited to see you. We've cleaned house like crazy all weekend so it will look nice for your return and when your parents come. Tux is excited too..he just doesn't know it. I'm sure when he sees you, he'll be so happy he pees. I'm probably going to cry when I see you, but I'll try not to. Hopefully when you get to read this, you'll be right where you belong. At home!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
A Glimpse Forward - Deployment Daze 216
Ever experienced a moment when you feel like you are seeing into the future? I did this weekend. My teen daughter had a baby. Now before anyone freaks out, let me clarify by saying it was a class project. You know, one of those robot babies that simulate the real thing.
The assignment was to care for this baby for the weekend. So last Friday, I became a grandmother and my daughter a mother. What an interesting experience. The intent of the project was to give young adults the experience of having a child and the hard work it takes. However, its lesson is just not for the teen. That weekend I learned some things as well.
I saw my daughter as an adult. What was scarier is she was just like me! At times I was really proud. The important lessons I had been trying to teach her showed. She was nurturing and attentive. Doing well on the project was important to her. She took on the whole role. She cooked dinner, did her chores and took care of the baby. We even went grocery shopping. And yes, the baby demanded attention constantly, even at the most inopportune times.
Then there were the habits I wished she hadn't picked up. Wanting everything to be perfect. Trying to do too much. Stressing out as a result. Not being able to relax. The habits that haunt me in my adult life I had passed on to my child. Damn!
The good thing is that I have seen this and can now work towards teaching her coping skills. This baby project gave me a new insight into myself. As for my daughter, she has assertively announced that she is not having kids. I just laughed.
To my honey, you missed out on the baby project. I'm sure you are really disappointed. It was amusing to watch. Not much is going on. We look forward to seeing you soon. Hopefully your air travel will go smoothly and not be interupted by the volcano. The boat is ready to be put in the water and we can't wait to do some fishing. I've almost finished my paper and most of my school work will be completed soon. So we'll have lots of time together.
Play Safe, Play Smart
The assignment was to care for this baby for the weekend. So last Friday, I became a grandmother and my daughter a mother. What an interesting experience. The intent of the project was to give young adults the experience of having a child and the hard work it takes. However, its lesson is just not for the teen. That weekend I learned some things as well.
I saw my daughter as an adult. What was scarier is she was just like me! At times I was really proud. The important lessons I had been trying to teach her showed. She was nurturing and attentive. Doing well on the project was important to her. She took on the whole role. She cooked dinner, did her chores and took care of the baby. We even went grocery shopping. And yes, the baby demanded attention constantly, even at the most inopportune times.
Then there were the habits I wished she hadn't picked up. Wanting everything to be perfect. Trying to do too much. Stressing out as a result. Not being able to relax. The habits that haunt me in my adult life I had passed on to my child. Damn!
The good thing is that I have seen this and can now work towards teaching her coping skills. This baby project gave me a new insight into myself. As for my daughter, she has assertively announced that she is not having kids. I just laughed.
To my honey, you missed out on the baby project. I'm sure you are really disappointed. It was amusing to watch. Not much is going on. We look forward to seeing you soon. Hopefully your air travel will go smoothly and not be interupted by the volcano. The boat is ready to be put in the water and we can't wait to do some fishing. I've almost finished my paper and most of my school work will be completed soon. So we'll have lots of time together.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Friday, March 26, 2010
The End is Near - Deployment Daze 191
Wow! I just looked back and saw that I hadn't written in almost a month. Has it been that long? I guess with school, kids, work and life stuff..time has slipped away. There have been several time I thought about blogging. Just didn't have enough motivation. Mostly because I have been developing a webpage for a class assignment and that has used up all my desire to be on the computer.
As for deployment, we're almost at RnR. It will be a fun and interesting time. I'm looking forward to exciting adventures.
To my honey, can't wait for RnR. Hopefully your trip will be smooth and uneventful. Oh, the due date is April 23. We're going to have a baby in the house. Isn't that exciting! Talk to you soon Grandpa!
Play Safe, Play Smart
As for deployment, we're almost at RnR. It will be a fun and interesting time. I'm looking forward to exciting adventures.
To my honey, can't wait for RnR. Hopefully your trip will be smooth and uneventful. Oh, the due date is April 23. We're going to have a baby in the house. Isn't that exciting! Talk to you soon Grandpa!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Frozen in Time - Deployment Daze 166
I've missed a week. Just not able to pour forth any words of wisdom or self-revelation. Truth be told, I'm stuck. Stuck in life. Stopped, halted, suspended. FROZEN! that's it frozen in time like the mammoths found by scientists. Perfectly preserved and stopped in mid life. That is where I'm at in this deployment.
This cold hard comparison hit me when I went to the lake to check on the boat. It has snowed a good amount here and that created some issues on our boat. More specifically a huge accumulation of snow on our boat cover which turned into a giant iceberg. Several times we, the kids and I have, have tried to remove it. There was no budging it or breaking it up. It was solid ice. During the day it would melt a little and then refreeze. It was a revolving problem with no end. The cover was slowly sinking towards the boat floor. It was a mess. It is times like this when you really feel the weight of deployment. The helplessness.
So days passed, my state of frozen suspension lingering, I had to go back to lake to pick out our boat slip for the summer. I checked on my iceberg. Yep! Still there. Still frozen. Still a big pain in my ass. Now the carpet was frozen and a complete slippery mess. Slipping and sliding, I chipped away at the iceberg. Pieces would come off but no progress in making it moveable. I was still getting nowhere. I didn't give up though. I knew that I had to be doing some good. Removing any amount of ice was progress. Then it happened! The huge block of ice moved. It slid. I could manipulate it enough to slide it out the door and let it fall to the ground.
I was on a mission now. There was hope! I was going to shove this iceberg off the side no matter what. I pushed and slipped. Pushed and slipped. It wasn't easy at all. And then when I thought that it wasn't going to go any farther, it slid enough over the edge that gravity took over. It fell off the side and hit the ground with a huge "THUD" Didn't even shatter. Just one giant piece of ice sitting on the ground.
SUCCESS!!! I was so excited and proud of myself. Although personally I'm still frozen in my own iceberg, I know that every effort to chip away at my cold prison is worth it. Each day moves us closer to end of this deployment. Each day breaks up the ice. One day the door will open and my frozen encasement will slide right off. Time will move forward. Life will move forward. And this experience will be moment in history, preserved like the frozen mammoths.
To my honey, well I have the boat squared away. We have an awesome slip for when you're here on RnR. I removed the iceberg using my superpowers of course. I know you thought it was funny when you watched the video. As you can see your presence is missed greatly. Could have really used your muscles on that one. The sun shows itself every now and then. I'm so sick of snow, cold, and being alone. God! Just the description of it is enough to send me screaming. The absolute loneliness combined with the depressing weather..UGH! I've been working out on the treadmill and have now started sit-ups and planks. Not much fun in those. Love you..hope to see you soon.
Play Safe, Play Smart
This cold hard comparison hit me when I went to the lake to check on the boat. It has snowed a good amount here and that created some issues on our boat. More specifically a huge accumulation of snow on our boat cover which turned into a giant iceberg. Several times we, the kids and I have, have tried to remove it. There was no budging it or breaking it up. It was solid ice. During the day it would melt a little and then refreeze. It was a revolving problem with no end. The cover was slowly sinking towards the boat floor. It was a mess. It is times like this when you really feel the weight of deployment. The helplessness.
So days passed, my state of frozen suspension lingering, I had to go back to lake to pick out our boat slip for the summer. I checked on my iceberg. Yep! Still there. Still frozen. Still a big pain in my ass. Now the carpet was frozen and a complete slippery mess. Slipping and sliding, I chipped away at the iceberg. Pieces would come off but no progress in making it moveable. I was still getting nowhere. I didn't give up though. I knew that I had to be doing some good. Removing any amount of ice was progress. Then it happened! The huge block of ice moved. It slid. I could manipulate it enough to slide it out the door and let it fall to the ground.
I was on a mission now. There was hope! I was going to shove this iceberg off the side no matter what. I pushed and slipped. Pushed and slipped. It wasn't easy at all. And then when I thought that it wasn't going to go any farther, it slid enough over the edge that gravity took over. It fell off the side and hit the ground with a huge "THUD" Didn't even shatter. Just one giant piece of ice sitting on the ground.
SUCCESS!!! I was so excited and proud of myself. Although personally I'm still frozen in my own iceberg, I know that every effort to chip away at my cold prison is worth it. Each day moves us closer to end of this deployment. Each day breaks up the ice. One day the door will open and my frozen encasement will slide right off. Time will move forward. Life will move forward. And this experience will be moment in history, preserved like the frozen mammoths.
To my honey, well I have the boat squared away. We have an awesome slip for when you're here on RnR. I removed the iceberg using my superpowers of course. I know you thought it was funny when you watched the video. As you can see your presence is missed greatly. Could have really used your muscles on that one. The sun shows itself every now and then. I'm so sick of snow, cold, and being alone. God! Just the description of it is enough to send me screaming. The absolute loneliness combined with the depressing weather..UGH! I've been working out on the treadmill and have now started sit-ups and planks. Not much fun in those. Love you..hope to see you soon.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Crazy Busy - Deployment Daze 134
Ok, so I skipped a week. Just couldn't find the motivation to blog. With the loss by the Vikings, I found myself lost. Now what? No more football? The one thing I look forward to on the weekends was my Sunday football. Nevertheless, my weekend and weeks have been crazy busy.
My son celebrated his 11th birthday with a party followed by soccer. Tons of fun but exhausting. My Sunday of relaxation turned into a stressed out affair with the nail biting Vikings vs. Saints game. Then back to the daily grind of the week.
School of course is a place that I thrive. Studying change theory in one class and developing a project plan for a website in another. Yep! I will have my own website. Starting with something small. A simple family site where immediate family and select friends can log on and see the happenings of the Brown Clan from Kansas. Still working on a catchy name. Now my mom can keep up-to-date with everyone and not stress about being on MySpace. If this web site is successful then I might venture to create a more public one for all my Fx peeps. We'll have to see.
Alot more is mov'n and shak'n with where I'm at and where I'm going. I have some critical decisions to make regarding my role in life. Just don't know if I'm ready to take on so much responsibility. I've always wanted to be an important player within this area and provide the leadership and support needed. Just now that the opportunity has presented itself, not quite sure if I'm ready. Be careful what you wish for.
As we move into our 6 month of deployment, I find that emotionally I'm back at Day 1. It seems not be getting easier , but harder and more stressful. I'm sadden by the loneliness. Will is ever come to an end? The kids are even feeling the strain. They show it in different ways through poetry, drawings, little sayings. I guess that is their mode for handling it.
To my honey, we all miss you very much. Skype no longer can compensate for you not being with us. I'm ready for this to be done. Still not sure about my decision. I so afraid that I will fail or not be able to handle what needs to be accomplished. The "What if" keeps me from taking that leap of faith. We're all trudging forward one step at a time. Love you lots.
Play Safe, Play Smart.
My son celebrated his 11th birthday with a party followed by soccer. Tons of fun but exhausting. My Sunday of relaxation turned into a stressed out affair with the nail biting Vikings vs. Saints game. Then back to the daily grind of the week.
School of course is a place that I thrive. Studying change theory in one class and developing a project plan for a website in another. Yep! I will have my own website. Starting with something small. A simple family site where immediate family and select friends can log on and see the happenings of the Brown Clan from Kansas. Still working on a catchy name. Now my mom can keep up-to-date with everyone and not stress about being on MySpace. If this web site is successful then I might venture to create a more public one for all my Fx peeps. We'll have to see.
Alot more is mov'n and shak'n with where I'm at and where I'm going. I have some critical decisions to make regarding my role in life. Just don't know if I'm ready to take on so much responsibility. I've always wanted to be an important player within this area and provide the leadership and support needed. Just now that the opportunity has presented itself, not quite sure if I'm ready. Be careful what you wish for.
As we move into our 6 month of deployment, I find that emotionally I'm back at Day 1. It seems not be getting easier , but harder and more stressful. I'm sadden by the loneliness. Will is ever come to an end? The kids are even feeling the strain. They show it in different ways through poetry, drawings, little sayings. I guess that is their mode for handling it.
To my honey, we all miss you very much. Skype no longer can compensate for you not being with us. I'm ready for this to be done. Still not sure about my decision. I so afraid that I will fail or not be able to handle what needs to be accomplished. The "What if" keeps me from taking that leap of faith. We're all trudging forward one step at a time. Love you lots.
Play Safe, Play Smart.
Monday, January 18, 2010
What a Difference a Day Makes - Deployment Daze 124
It's amazing how a few days can change everything. Last week I was on the edge of cliff and now I'm clearly on the other side. My week has been busy and eventful. Work is actually keeping me busy and challenged which is what I need. It is starting to look like something I could enjoy. I have been offered some new responsibilities that are in line with my graduate program no I'm very excited.
The biggest event happened this weekend with my daughters 16th birthday. Wow! Sweet 16. I still can't believe it. We had a great time. Her party went well. I'm so glad she has a good group of friends. After the party we had indoor soccer for my son so it was a busy Saturday.
Then of course it's football Sunday. One I had been looking forward to all week. Cowboys vs Vikings. Husband vs Wife. Well we all know how that turned out. Vikings move on, Cowboys go home. It was such a stomping that I refrain from talking too much smack. There just comes a point when smack talking isn't appropriate and what's happening on the feel is more of an embarrassment.
So all in all I had a good week.
To my honey, we really missed you this weekend at the Sweet 16 birthday. I'm sorry that your Cowboys didn't win. I just have to say, GO VIKINGS! and sing and dance..I'm so excited, that I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I just can't hide it. Back to the real world of work. Can't wait for you to come home. Love you!
Play Safe, Play Smart
The biggest event happened this weekend with my daughters 16th birthday. Wow! Sweet 16. I still can't believe it. We had a great time. Her party went well. I'm so glad she has a good group of friends. After the party we had indoor soccer for my son so it was a busy Saturday.
Then of course it's football Sunday. One I had been looking forward to all week. Cowboys vs Vikings. Husband vs Wife. Well we all know how that turned out. Vikings move on, Cowboys go home. It was such a stomping that I refrain from talking too much smack. There just comes a point when smack talking isn't appropriate and what's happening on the feel is more of an embarrassment.
So all in all I had a good week.
To my honey, we really missed you this weekend at the Sweet 16 birthday. I'm sorry that your Cowboys didn't win. I just have to say, GO VIKINGS! and sing and dance..I'm so excited, that I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I just can't hide it. Back to the real world of work. Can't wait for you to come home. Love you!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Friday, January 1, 2010
Room by Room - Deployment Daze 107
“We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives – not looking for flaws, but for potential.”
(This quote inspired me to depart from my regular Saturday blog and post early, on the 1st.)
How true it is that as the year draws to a close there is the drive to take inventory of the past year. I would relive my year through a Christmas letter sent to friends and family. However, I had stopped several years back. My need for self-preservation and security at the time prevented me from putting my life events in writing. I had stopped walking through my rooms. I realize though that I miss that glance back. That final sweep of "the room" before moving on. Good, bad or otherwise! So here it is my year room by room
My Living Room - The first of the year brought new living arrangements with a move from Oklahoma to Kansas. I thought how different could it be. The states are right next to each other. HA!!! I felt like I had moved to another planet. City to small town (and I mean "nothing to do" small town) was a bummer to say the least. When Wal-Mart is considered your mall, you know you're in trouble. However, it is a great place if you love lake activities which we do. Being boat owners we love to be on the water. The summer we spent on the boat knee boarding and fishing has been the best ever. Oh the fishing! Absolutely the most fun I ever had. We had heard the fishing was great! But at first we only caught dinky fish. Smaller than the bait itself sometimes. Then we hit on the right method and went fish crazy. Catching Wipers as they are flying out of the water is an experience everyone has to try. All the kids experienced their first big catch. Between me losing two poles and two pairs of sunglasses in the lake to my step-daughter falling in makes it a summer to remember.
My Family Room - This year has been particularly difficult with regards to family. Moving in the middle of the school year is difficult and even more so when you have to leave someone behind. My daughter stayed to finish out the Spring semester in Oklahoma and my husband, my son and I moved. There is a lot to this story that I chose not detail, just believe me when I say it was the most painful, traumatic, hurtful, and scary thing that I had ever experienced. My son handled the move like a trooper and was able to enroll in a brand new school. He didn't skip a beat and continues to excel in school with straight A's. He has many friends in the neighborhood. My daughter who joined us later has thrived in her school and is a much happier teenager than before. She too has great friends and a boyfriend who is extremely sweet and smart. We were reduced by one again in the later part of this year when my husband deployed to Iraq. He has been serving our country and will be home in 2010. His absence has had a profound effect on our family. The holidays in particular is where you felt it the most. I know looking forward that these experiences have forged a stronger bond. I love my husband more each day and my kids love him too.
My Office - Well, what can I say. I became a statistic. One of many thousands of unemployed. I left a great paying stable job in the city and moved. (Isn't that a song.."Left a good job in the city..") I just knew with my experience and background I would land a job quickly. HA!!! In a recession! HA!! In a small town where they don't even have my industry! Yeah that didn't work out so well. So income gone. Unemployment gone. What's a girl to do? FREAK OUT!!!! That's what! Yep, I did. Big Time! You see, I'm not the type of female who relies on a man to provide things. If I want something, I work for it. I use my money. Never used manipulation or poor me to get other people to pay for things. Well, when the buck stops here it means everything stops! So every emotion hit the surface..Anger, hurt, terror, etc. After the meltdown came the light. This crisis opened the door to bigger and better things. I finally was given the opportunity to get my Masters Degree and eventually my PhD. To my surprise a 4 year University close to home, a pt-job as a Career Advisor, and on my way to being called Dr. Brown. I'm currently carrying a 4.0 in my graduate work and many of my projects are being used as examples for next year's students.
Game Room - We all enjoyed many fun times this year. Trips to interesting places such as KC, St Louis, Joplin, Wichita. HS Football games and very big deal here. Professional Football and my new experience playing fantasy football. Which of course I was awesome at. 11-2 record for the regular season. Third place overall. Kids in and out of the house. Shopping trips to the mall. And new friends that we've met who have made life here in KS more enjoyable.
After walking through my rooms, I can do nothing now but smile and sometimes laugh. Eventhough some of those times I had cried. I've done my sweep and am ready for the new possibilities that 2010 brings.
To my honey, there are some many memories to cherish from 2009. Many times we had laughed. I laugh now thinking about losing my sunglasses or watching the pole get yanked out of the boat by some giant fish. Oh and the lures... The look on your face, priceless. And the time we drove around all night looking for the Spook Light in Joplin. I will find that light. Just know that I love you. No matter how hard it gets it will get better and then we'll laugh. Also know that my kids adore you and miss you very much. Can't wait until I can write that I have nothing to write...because you've come home. Thanks for a interesting and exciting 2009. I look forward to 2010
Play Safe Play Smart
(This quote inspired me to depart from my regular Saturday blog and post early, on the 1st.)
How true it is that as the year draws to a close there is the drive to take inventory of the past year. I would relive my year through a Christmas letter sent to friends and family. However, I had stopped several years back. My need for self-preservation and security at the time prevented me from putting my life events in writing. I had stopped walking through my rooms. I realize though that I miss that glance back. That final sweep of "the room" before moving on. Good, bad or otherwise! So here it is my year room by room
My Living Room - The first of the year brought new living arrangements with a move from Oklahoma to Kansas. I thought how different could it be. The states are right next to each other. HA!!! I felt like I had moved to another planet. City to small town (and I mean "nothing to do" small town) was a bummer to say the least. When Wal-Mart is considered your mall, you know you're in trouble. However, it is a great place if you love lake activities which we do. Being boat owners we love to be on the water. The summer we spent on the boat knee boarding and fishing has been the best ever. Oh the fishing! Absolutely the most fun I ever had. We had heard the fishing was great! But at first we only caught dinky fish. Smaller than the bait itself sometimes. Then we hit on the right method and went fish crazy. Catching Wipers as they are flying out of the water is an experience everyone has to try. All the kids experienced their first big catch. Between me losing two poles and two pairs of sunglasses in the lake to my step-daughter falling in makes it a summer to remember.
My Family Room - This year has been particularly difficult with regards to family. Moving in the middle of the school year is difficult and even more so when you have to leave someone behind. My daughter stayed to finish out the Spring semester in Oklahoma and my husband, my son and I moved. There is a lot to this story that I chose not detail, just believe me when I say it was the most painful, traumatic, hurtful, and scary thing that I had ever experienced. My son handled the move like a trooper and was able to enroll in a brand new school. He didn't skip a beat and continues to excel in school with straight A's. He has many friends in the neighborhood. My daughter who joined us later has thrived in her school and is a much happier teenager than before. She too has great friends and a boyfriend who is extremely sweet and smart. We were reduced by one again in the later part of this year when my husband deployed to Iraq. He has been serving our country and will be home in 2010. His absence has had a profound effect on our family. The holidays in particular is where you felt it the most. I know looking forward that these experiences have forged a stronger bond. I love my husband more each day and my kids love him too.
My Office - Well, what can I say. I became a statistic. One of many thousands of unemployed. I left a great paying stable job in the city and moved. (Isn't that a song.."Left a good job in the city..") I just knew with my experience and background I would land a job quickly. HA!!! In a recession! HA!! In a small town where they don't even have my industry! Yeah that didn't work out so well. So income gone. Unemployment gone. What's a girl to do? FREAK OUT!!!! That's what! Yep, I did. Big Time! You see, I'm not the type of female who relies on a man to provide things. If I want something, I work for it. I use my money. Never used manipulation or poor me to get other people to pay for things. Well, when the buck stops here it means everything stops! So every emotion hit the surface..Anger, hurt, terror, etc. After the meltdown came the light. This crisis opened the door to bigger and better things. I finally was given the opportunity to get my Masters Degree and eventually my PhD. To my surprise a 4 year University close to home, a pt-job as a Career Advisor, and on my way to being called Dr. Brown. I'm currently carrying a 4.0 in my graduate work and many of my projects are being used as examples for next year's students.
Game Room - We all enjoyed many fun times this year. Trips to interesting places such as KC, St Louis, Joplin, Wichita. HS Football games and very big deal here. Professional Football and my new experience playing fantasy football. Which of course I was awesome at. 11-2 record for the regular season. Third place overall. Kids in and out of the house. Shopping trips to the mall. And new friends that we've met who have made life here in KS more enjoyable.
After walking through my rooms, I can do nothing now but smile and sometimes laugh. Eventhough some of those times I had cried. I've done my sweep and am ready for the new possibilities that 2010 brings.
To my honey, there are some many memories to cherish from 2009. Many times we had laughed. I laugh now thinking about losing my sunglasses or watching the pole get yanked out of the boat by some giant fish. Oh and the lures... The look on your face, priceless. And the time we drove around all night looking for the Spook Light in Joplin. I will find that light. Just know that I love you. No matter how hard it gets it will get better and then we'll laugh. Also know that my kids adore you and miss you very much. Can't wait until I can write that I have nothing to write...because you've come home. Thanks for a interesting and exciting 2009. I look forward to 2010
Play Safe Play Smart
Saturday, December 19, 2009
A Little Luck - Deployment Daze 94
Life is an interesting ride. One minute it's happy and next tragic. Those twists and turns, not knowing what's around the bend definitely make it exciting. I guess excitement can be both happy and tragic. Our moments in life that are fun provide us with excitement that we enjoy and want to repeat. The tragic moments provide a different kind of excitement. Scary! Not something we care to repeat but exciting none the less. The past few days, I have had a little of both.
I went to see the movie Avatar with my son this weekend. The movie was great and my son could not stop talking about it. He wants to read the book and on and on. The movie was very inspiring with a great life message. We finished the night with dinner and headed home. Walk in the door and the whole night took on a completely different level of excitement. My 20lb dog had eaten a bar of chocolate. Not one of those normal bars but one of those huge, 6.8 oz bars, of Hershey's Special Dark. Well if you know anything about dogs, chocolate is dangerous. So my life ride that evening took a hard left turn towards tragedy.
Emergency visit to the local vet ensued. As I'm cradling my baby in my arms, the vet administers; shots to make him throw up, IV drip to start fluids, and two huge syringes of black liquid goo (activated charcoal) forced fed down his throat. My dog is completely terrified and puking. I'm crying. This is the moment when I truly felt the loneliness of deployment. No one by my side to provide comfort and support. No calming force or strength. I truly was half of a whole. From the vet it was to the vet hospital ICU for overnight observation and more treatments. I was not having fun on this ride! Then the long ride home, full of tears, fears and prayers.
The next day brought some good news. Prognosis on my dog was that he was doing well and should be able to come later that day. In addition, my fantasy football which I was predicted to lose was also turning around. My ride had turned the corner.
My dog came home last night and we are all happy he is back. This was a ride that could have ended tragically. Thankfully it didn't. Unfortunately my fantasy football was not so lucky. With the poor performance by the Vikings, my reign as leader, has ended. I am out.
So what determines the excitement one gets to experience in life? Are we randomly thrown into twists and turns on this ride? And what determines whether the outcome is happy or the tragic? Fate, Karma, Destiny, or Luck?
For me, I'm feeling a little lucky.
To my honey, I truly felt your absence this weekend. Without you, I am only a part of the whole. I miss your strength and toughness. I love you very much. It seems like forever until you will get to come home. Still holding down the fort, barely.
Play Safe, Play Smart
I went to see the movie Avatar with my son this weekend. The movie was great and my son could not stop talking about it. He wants to read the book and on and on. The movie was very inspiring with a great life message. We finished the night with dinner and headed home. Walk in the door and the whole night took on a completely different level of excitement. My 20lb dog had eaten a bar of chocolate. Not one of those normal bars but one of those huge, 6.8 oz bars, of Hershey's Special Dark. Well if you know anything about dogs, chocolate is dangerous. So my life ride that evening took a hard left turn towards tragedy.
Emergency visit to the local vet ensued. As I'm cradling my baby in my arms, the vet administers; shots to make him throw up, IV drip to start fluids, and two huge syringes of black liquid goo (activated charcoal) forced fed down his throat. My dog is completely terrified and puking. I'm crying. This is the moment when I truly felt the loneliness of deployment. No one by my side to provide comfort and support. No calming force or strength. I truly was half of a whole. From the vet it was to the vet hospital ICU for overnight observation and more treatments. I was not having fun on this ride! Then the long ride home, full of tears, fears and prayers.
The next day brought some good news. Prognosis on my dog was that he was doing well and should be able to come later that day. In addition, my fantasy football which I was predicted to lose was also turning around. My ride had turned the corner.
My dog came home last night and we are all happy he is back. This was a ride that could have ended tragically. Thankfully it didn't. Unfortunately my fantasy football was not so lucky. With the poor performance by the Vikings, my reign as leader, has ended. I am out.
So what determines the excitement one gets to experience in life? Are we randomly thrown into twists and turns on this ride? And what determines whether the outcome is happy or the tragic? Fate, Karma, Destiny, or Luck?
For me, I'm feeling a little lucky.
To my honey, I truly felt your absence this weekend. Without you, I am only a part of the whole. I miss your strength and toughness. I love you very much. It seems like forever until you will get to come home. Still holding down the fort, barely.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The Future Looking Back - Deployment Daze 87
I read a friends blog today about self-reflection. You know those times when you take an inventory of who you are , where you've been, where you're going. Questions arise in your mind, "What if...?" Did I make the right choice back then? Should I've done that instead of this? Sometimes we are ashamed of our choices, sometimes we realize we made the wrong choice, sometimes we don't like the person we see staring back at us.
I think it is life's natural process for us to go through a personal inventory. It nature's way of having us metamorphous into our next stage. Similar to the phoenix who at the end stage burns up in flames only to rise from the ashes reborn. Looking back I can identify several times in my life that have been my phoenix moments. There was a time when these moments created a great deal of stress and depression. It led to difficulty making decisions for fear of what would happen if...It was always about how is this going to affect my life and those around me tomorrow, a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs. It was driving me crazy.
Then I came across this video, Where Will You Be? by Bright Careers. Although it is about careers and the Chaos Theory, the message can be applied to life in general. It brought me clarity and validation to my life. It made me realize that some of those decisions I made in my past were not bad decisions at all. That the decisions I made were the best ones for me at the time that I made them. It was what I needed to do at that moment in those circumstances.
Now don't get me wrong, I have made some GREAT!!! decisions. As I get older, I am more sure of the decisions I make. It seems like there is less pressure. Maybe because when you're old there is not as much time left to suffer the consequences, lol. Nonetheless, reality is that if you truly self-evaluate you will find times that you aren't proud of. All I have come to realize is it ain't all that bad. And that those so called bad decisions were actually great decisions that probably ended up working out for the best.
So if your reading this watch the video. It might make things a little lighter.
To my honey, I love you and miss you bunches. Christmas just isn't the same. It is extremely cold here and snowed like crazy. I've been using 4w drive on the truck to get around. Looking back I am so glad that my path has led to you. It has made every heartache and painful experience worth it. It would have been nice to fast forward and skip some, but then the end result would not have been the same.
Play Safe, Play Smart
I think it is life's natural process for us to go through a personal inventory. It nature's way of having us metamorphous into our next stage. Similar to the phoenix who at the end stage burns up in flames only to rise from the ashes reborn. Looking back I can identify several times in my life that have been my phoenix moments. There was a time when these moments created a great deal of stress and depression. It led to difficulty making decisions for fear of what would happen if...It was always about how is this going to affect my life and those around me tomorrow, a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs. It was driving me crazy.
Then I came across this video, Where Will You Be? by Bright Careers. Although it is about careers and the Chaos Theory, the message can be applied to life in general. It brought me clarity and validation to my life. It made me realize that some of those decisions I made in my past were not bad decisions at all. That the decisions I made were the best ones for me at the time that I made them. It was what I needed to do at that moment in those circumstances.
Now don't get me wrong, I have made some GREAT!!! decisions. As I get older, I am more sure of the decisions I make. It seems like there is less pressure. Maybe because when you're old there is not as much time left to suffer the consequences, lol. Nonetheless, reality is that if you truly self-evaluate you will find times that you aren't proud of. All I have come to realize is it ain't all that bad. And that those so called bad decisions were actually great decisions that probably ended up working out for the best.
So if your reading this watch the video. It might make things a little lighter.
To my honey, I love you and miss you bunches. Christmas just isn't the same. It is extremely cold here and snowed like crazy. I've been using 4w drive on the truck to get around. Looking back I am so glad that my path has led to you. It has made every heartache and painful experience worth it. It would have been nice to fast forward and skip some, but then the end result would not have been the same.
Play Safe, Play Smart
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