Don't mess with a woman on the edge! What edge? The edge of redeployment...which also means the edge of insanity. What's wrong with me? I have Redeployment Delirium. It is a form of delirium brought on by the slow torture of waiting for your husband to redeploy home.
Delirium: A temporary state of mental confusion. Characterized by anxiety, disorientation, hallucinations, delusions, and incoherent speech. A state of uncontrolled excitement or emotion.
I have experienced everyone of these symptoms. I was wondering why my words, ringing clear in my head, would get all twisted up and come out a complete mess. I sound like a blabbering idiot have the time.
The closer the possible return date approaches the worse the delirium becomes. Although I don't feel anxious, there is a feeling of tension in the air. I don't know how to explain it, except that there is a change in the energy surrounding me. The kids feel it. The dog senses it. I notice that everyone is just a little on edge. Tempers are shorter, emotions are higher and my dog is acting a fool. It seems like there has been a shift in the cosmic force of the universe.
Of course what has led me to this state of mind is the damn Deployment Curse (Curses). Everyday it is something. Some little thing that doesn't go just right. If this deployment doesn't end soon my husband may have to come visit me in a psych ward (not a crazy house type, but more like a resort/spa type). Add to that the limbo that you are forced to endure as you wait.... and wait.... and wait for this unknown, date and time. Knowing it is getting close, yet not knowing "officially" when. No way to make plans. No way to let anyone know. No wonder we're all going crazy.
Sadly, there is no cure for this ailment. No quick fix. No pill. It is has run it's course. So I face everyday with hope and faith as each one brings me one step closer to the end. Closer to normalcy. Until then..... DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN ON THE EDGE!!
To my honey, I'll let you know if my address has changed to the "Military Wives Nut House Resort and Spa". When you get off the bus come get me, ok?
Showing posts with label spouse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spouse. Show all posts
Friday, July 30, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Some Day We'll Laugh - Deployment Daze 250
It's the end of the school year and as with every other school year the kids bring home folders full of school work that they have completed. Confession time. I don't keep everything. If I did I would be buried under mountains of paper. Oh the trees that have been sacrificed in the name of education. Anyway, today was the day that it all came home.
As I was sifting through the stack, I came across stories that my son had wrote. I was intrigued by their titles so I read them. I was rolling on the floor laughing almost to the point of tears. The humor and creativity amazed me. Not to mention his unique viewpoint on things that had actually taken place. You see none of the stories were fictional. Each one was a narrative about something that had truly happened. At the time these stories took place it wasn't funny. Looking back now, they are hysterical. I guess that is how life is. Sometimes you just have to say, "Someday we'll look back and laugh."
Here is one of those stories: (Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent)
The Fight That Apparently Needed a Call to 911
It was at my old house, my step-sister (Lil Sis), and my step-brother (Lil Bro) were visiting. We were all sitting on the couch when my mom and step-dad announced that they were going out to a fancy restaurant to eat dinner. They told us we needed to be good, that is the typical parent, so we nodded our heads and went our separate ways. My biological sister (Big sis)went to the computer, Lil Bro and I went up stairs to play LEGOS and Lil Sis went to her room...but not for long.
Lil Bro and I were playing LEGOS when Lil Sis came into our room. "Can I play?" she asked. I said, "Sure as long as you don't ruin a ship or destroy the town." She nodded her head and sat down. She grabbed the only girl LEGO person and started to walk around. She went to Lil Bro's character (who was the mechanic) and asked, "Can you build me a ship?" He replied, "Sue it will cost $400 dollars." They haggled and she paid $300. Her ship was built and she flew it around. That's when things went horribly wrong.
She flew it around too fast and the ship slipped out of her hands and hit Lil Bro right in the face. Lil Bro had anger issues and he struck her in the mouth. This progressed violently. They headed towards the stairs and they went down all 27 steps, falling and trampling over each other. I was in front of them so I had to run down the steps trying not to get trampled. I felt like Indiana Jones trying to get away from the boulder that I triggered. When Big Sis heard the fighting she came over and broke it up. Lil Sis was really irate, and stormed to her room. Lil Bro took a lot of damage but nothing serious. Lil Sis attempted to call her dad but apparently dialed 911 and Big Sis got a call.
"Ma'am how old are you" said the 911 operator."
"Who is this?" requested Big Sis.
"This is the police!"
"WHAT?"
"Ma'am calm down, we received a call from your house. So what is your name and how old are you?"
Big Sis gave them the information. After she hung up she called everyone into the living room with her loud strident voice. "Who called 911?!" Lil Sis came forward and confessed. Big Sis said in a strict voice, "I'm going to call you father!"
Lil Sis begged, whined and moaned not to. When step-dad came home he was red as blood. "YOU DID WHAT?" he yelled. Lil Bro and I were upstairs trying not to laugh. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!!" he yelled again. I heard Lil Sis small voice say, "I tried to call you."
I heard them talking. When they got to the part about the fight he called us down stairs and I whispered, "Good Luck." it was a good thing I came down since I was a bystander and saw everything. I told step-dad what happened. He didn't like it.
It was a long night, and after everything was sorted out we went to bed. The next day Lil Bro and Lil Sis had to hold hands and "like" each other until step-dad was satisfied.
To my honey, I know you remember this event. It is funny now that we are looking back. There are many of those interesting moments that we share and I know that there will be many more. I guess that is what they mean by don't take life too seriously. I can't imagine sharing those moments with anybody else. Love you with all my heart.
Play Safe, Play Smart
As I was sifting through the stack, I came across stories that my son had wrote. I was intrigued by their titles so I read them. I was rolling on the floor laughing almost to the point of tears. The humor and creativity amazed me. Not to mention his unique viewpoint on things that had actually taken place. You see none of the stories were fictional. Each one was a narrative about something that had truly happened. At the time these stories took place it wasn't funny. Looking back now, they are hysterical. I guess that is how life is. Sometimes you just have to say, "Someday we'll look back and laugh."
Here is one of those stories: (Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent)
The Fight That Apparently Needed a Call to 911
It was at my old house, my step-sister (Lil Sis), and my step-brother (Lil Bro) were visiting. We were all sitting on the couch when my mom and step-dad announced that they were going out to a fancy restaurant to eat dinner. They told us we needed to be good, that is the typical parent, so we nodded our heads and went our separate ways. My biological sister (Big sis)went to the computer, Lil Bro and I went up stairs to play LEGOS and Lil Sis went to her room...but not for long.
Lil Bro and I were playing LEGOS when Lil Sis came into our room. "Can I play?" she asked. I said, "Sure as long as you don't ruin a ship or destroy the town." She nodded her head and sat down. She grabbed the only girl LEGO person and started to walk around. She went to Lil Bro's character (who was the mechanic) and asked, "Can you build me a ship?" He replied, "Sue it will cost $400 dollars." They haggled and she paid $300. Her ship was built and she flew it around. That's when things went horribly wrong.
She flew it around too fast and the ship slipped out of her hands and hit Lil Bro right in the face. Lil Bro had anger issues and he struck her in the mouth. This progressed violently. They headed towards the stairs and they went down all 27 steps, falling and trampling over each other. I was in front of them so I had to run down the steps trying not to get trampled. I felt like Indiana Jones trying to get away from the boulder that I triggered. When Big Sis heard the fighting she came over and broke it up. Lil Sis was really irate, and stormed to her room. Lil Bro took a lot of damage but nothing serious. Lil Sis attempted to call her dad but apparently dialed 911 and Big Sis got a call.
"Ma'am how old are you" said the 911 operator."
"Who is this?" requested Big Sis.
"This is the police!"
"WHAT?"
"Ma'am calm down, we received a call from your house. So what is your name and how old are you?"
Big Sis gave them the information. After she hung up she called everyone into the living room with her loud strident voice. "Who called 911?!" Lil Sis came forward and confessed. Big Sis said in a strict voice, "I'm going to call you father!"
Lil Sis begged, whined and moaned not to. When step-dad came home he was red as blood. "YOU DID WHAT?" he yelled. Lil Bro and I were upstairs trying not to laugh. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!!" he yelled again. I heard Lil Sis small voice say, "I tried to call you."
I heard them talking. When they got to the part about the fight he called us down stairs and I whispered, "Good Luck." it was a good thing I came down since I was a bystander and saw everything. I told step-dad what happened. He didn't like it.
It was a long night, and after everything was sorted out we went to bed. The next day Lil Bro and Lil Sis had to hold hands and "like" each other until step-dad was satisfied.
To my honey, I know you remember this event. It is funny now that we are looking back. There are many of those interesting moments that we share and I know that there will be many more. I guess that is what they mean by don't take life too seriously. I can't imagine sharing those moments with anybody else. Love you with all my heart.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Horror of It - Deployment Daze 246
You would think as the end of deployment gets closer it would be a downhill ride. Everything easier and lighter. My husband's brigade is starting to come home. The first group arrived today so the end is near. That proverbial light at the end of tunnel is shining bright. Yet, I couldn't feel worse.
It is hard to describe this feeling. I feel farther away from him then when this whole thing started. Like the long months of deployment have finally taken their toll. In horror movies, they show someone running down a hall hoping to reach the door at the end. Yet as they run, the halls seems to stretch longer and longer. No matter how hard they run they'll never make it out. That's me! Running. Trying to get to the end. Watching the hall stretching and the door getting farther away. Fearing that the door will never be reached. If the door is not reached soon...it will never open!
What's behind the door? Life! Just like in the horror movie. Get out the door you get to live. Stay and your dead. What's dead? Maybe a little piece of us or me. I don't know and I don't want to find out. So I'm running down the hall. And I'm frustrated, irritated and tired.
You would think it would be easier. Well it isn't. Two months doesn't sound like a long time when 10 months have already passed. But when YOUR living it, when YOUR running down the hall that never ends, it seems like forever.
It is hard to describe this feeling. I feel farther away from him then when this whole thing started. Like the long months of deployment have finally taken their toll. In horror movies, they show someone running down a hall hoping to reach the door at the end. Yet as they run, the halls seems to stretch longer and longer. No matter how hard they run they'll never make it out. That's me! Running. Trying to get to the end. Watching the hall stretching and the door getting farther away. Fearing that the door will never be reached. If the door is not reached soon...it will never open!
What's behind the door? Life! Just like in the horror movie. Get out the door you get to live. Stay and your dead. What's dead? Maybe a little piece of us or me. I don't know and I don't want to find out. So I'm running down the hall. And I'm frustrated, irritated and tired.
You would think it would be easier. Well it isn't. Two months doesn't sound like a long time when 10 months have already passed. But when YOUR living it, when YOUR running down the hall that never ends, it seems like forever.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Back at the Beginning - Deployment Daze 239
Said goodbye today...UGH! Didn't think it would be this hard. It is just like in the beginning when he first left. Of course I had to be strong. Said my goodbyes, kissed and I walked away. Just couldn't stay to watch him walk through the security check point and onto the tarmac.
Arrived home and was greeted by my wonderful dog who looked at me knowingly with those big brown eyes. That is when I lost it. I boo hooed and my dog sat their compassionately and listened. I'm so ready for this to be over.
I'm tired! Tired of trying to be so strong, brave, solid. It's exhausting! Although it is only a couple more months it seems like an eternity. Once again the loneliness sets in. Although he drives me crazy sometimes when he is here, the empty space without him is so much worse.
To my honey, miss you so much. I spent most of the day cleaning up the house. It was obvious that you were here. Laundry alone is going to take me at least a week to finish. Tux is depressed without his buddy to rough house with him. It will take us a few days to get into some type of normal routine again. The last two weeks were great. We are looking forward to the time when you can come home to stay. I plan on picking out some new furniture this weekend and if all goes well starting a exercise routine. Fly safe and we'll talk soon. Love you!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Arrived home and was greeted by my wonderful dog who looked at me knowingly with those big brown eyes. That is when I lost it. I boo hooed and my dog sat their compassionately and listened. I'm so ready for this to be over.
I'm tired! Tired of trying to be so strong, brave, solid. It's exhausting! Although it is only a couple more months it seems like an eternity. Once again the loneliness sets in. Although he drives me crazy sometimes when he is here, the empty space without him is so much worse.
To my honey, miss you so much. I spent most of the day cleaning up the house. It was obvious that you were here. Laundry alone is going to take me at least a week to finish. Tux is depressed without his buddy to rough house with him. It will take us a few days to get into some type of normal routine again. The last two weeks were great. We are looking forward to the time when you can come home to stay. I plan on picking out some new furniture this weekend and if all goes well starting a exercise routine. Fly safe and we'll talk soon. Love you!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Whirlwind of Activity - RnR
We're winding down our couple of weeks of RnR. Tomorrow he returns to Iraq. Whew! It has been a whirlwind of activity. There hasn't been much time for blogging. I have thoroughly enjoyed these two weeks although they have been hectic at times. We accomplished a lot of important to-do items and enjoyed a wonderful statecation.
My daughter is learning how to drive and with the purchase of a new, used car, she is learning how to drive a standard. Before long she will have her official license. (SCARY!) My hubby is amazingly patient with her. I don't see how he stays so calm.
We enjoyed many wonderful meals including a wild dinner with his parents, the boyfriend, prom dates and a bachelorette party. You had to of been there. Kansas City was an aboslute blast. The Great Wolf Lodge was so much fun. Between the indoor waterpark and the MagiQuest, we stayed busy. All of which would not have been possible without the main man. We will miss him this summer.
My daughter is learning how to drive and with the purchase of a new, used car, she is learning how to drive a standard. Before long she will have her official license. (SCARY!) My hubby is amazingly patient with her. I don't see how he stays so calm.
We enjoyed many wonderful meals including a wild dinner with his parents, the boyfriend, prom dates and a bachelorette party. You had to of been there. Kansas City was an aboslute blast. The Great Wolf Lodge was so much fun. Between the indoor waterpark and the MagiQuest, we stayed busy. All of which would not have been possible without the main man. We will miss him this summer.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
A Moment of Normal - RnR
My hubby is home for two weeks for RnR. People have been asking me am I glad he is back. Yes, of course, but it is so much more than that. It is like a huge weight had been lifted. I feel relieved. Not relieved in the sense of fear for his safety. I'm glad he is safe at home, but that has never been a thought that has held me captive. I'm relieved by his mere presence, the sense of security and partnership. We were driving in the truck and I thought to myself, I'm not alone anymore. He is here and everything is how it should be. It's nice to feel normal again. My rock, my safety net, my soft place to land has returned.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Wait for it..Wait for it.. - Deployment Daze 222
After 222 long days, I finally get to see my hubby. He is scheduled to be returning to the states for RnR soon. I can't believe it is actually happening. Several times his RnR was pushed back. It was disappointing, but you learn to deal with that "hurry up and wait" scenario when you're an Army family. Regardless, the time I've waited for is here and I couldn't be more excited.
I'm actually surprised by my level of excitement. I didn't think I would be this effected. It is like when you pop the tab to a soda and it makes that whoosh sound. All these bubbles rush out and tickle your nose. Well my tab has been popped. I realize that while he was gone I had shut down a part of me. Part of me was on hold, waiting. With the phone call telling me what day and time to pick him up, my excitement and joy is rising to the surface. I can't wait. But I have to...
It's the hardest part. The waiting!. While in transit, the communication is null. We're in limbo. Waiting for the next call to tell us where he is at, what country. Watching the news, the weather, the volcano. Hoping nothing interferes with flights. Praying everything is on schedule. Waiting and waiting and waiting..for the words, "I'm in Dallas and I'm getting ready to fly home."
To my honey, I can't believe you'll be home soon. Every evening is a blessing because it is one more day closer to your arrival. The kids are so excited to see you. We've cleaned house like crazy all weekend so it will look nice for your return and when your parents come. Tux is excited too..he just doesn't know it. I'm sure when he sees you, he'll be so happy he pees. I'm probably going to cry when I see you, but I'll try not to. Hopefully when you get to read this, you'll be right where you belong. At home!
Play Safe, Play Smart
I'm actually surprised by my level of excitement. I didn't think I would be this effected. It is like when you pop the tab to a soda and it makes that whoosh sound. All these bubbles rush out and tickle your nose. Well my tab has been popped. I realize that while he was gone I had shut down a part of me. Part of me was on hold, waiting. With the phone call telling me what day and time to pick him up, my excitement and joy is rising to the surface. I can't wait. But I have to...
It's the hardest part. The waiting!. While in transit, the communication is null. We're in limbo. Waiting for the next call to tell us where he is at, what country. Watching the news, the weather, the volcano. Hoping nothing interferes with flights. Praying everything is on schedule. Waiting and waiting and waiting..for the words, "I'm in Dallas and I'm getting ready to fly home."
To my honey, I can't believe you'll be home soon. Every evening is a blessing because it is one more day closer to your arrival. The kids are so excited to see you. We've cleaned house like crazy all weekend so it will look nice for your return and when your parents come. Tux is excited too..he just doesn't know it. I'm sure when he sees you, he'll be so happy he pees. I'm probably going to cry when I see you, but I'll try not to. Hopefully when you get to read this, you'll be right where you belong. At home!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Too Much On the Plate - Deployment Daze 206
My son comes home with a paper from school describing the 5th grade science project requirements. OH NO! I thought to myself. Do the schools understand exactly what they are asking? The timing couldn't have been worst. Husband deployed so I'm single parenting it right now. Working and in graduate school which means I too have homework. In fact two large projects due at the same time as my son's science project.
I know what you're thinking, "It is his project let him do it." That sounds good in theory. What people fail to realize is that to complete a fairly decent project the child needs help. It requires time from the parent to help facilitate and supply the project. Well, when your limited on time and there is only you it makes for a very stressful situation.
So there I was, two projects due this weekend. A science project that needed to be started and a whole list of other things that needed to get done. After a mental meltdown, freak out, and then some deep breathing, I did what any quality parent would do. Put my homework on hold, rallied the troops, and started the 5th grade science project. My son, his big sis , her boyfriend, and I got to work. We conducted the experiment and have our results. Now just the display has to be put together.
Although I was stressed by the inconvenience, I realize that as a parent some things come first. There are times, well many times, when you have to sacrifice. Kids need your time and energy. It is proven that students who have parents that make school work a priority and actually spend time to work with them are more successful in school. It is also proven that it impacts their future as an adult. Too many times I have seen students struggle, not because they can't do the work, but because the adult in their life doesn't put the effort in to help or check. The child has no support. If you want your child to be successful in school, you, the parent, must make it a priority.
I know sometimes it can be overwhelming. I know sometimes the work doesn't make sense. Nevertheless, the parents actions influence the path the child takes. I am comforted by the fact that we worked through the difficulties and accomplished what we needed to today. Science project is half way completed. And the bonus? Both my assignments are done as well.
To my honey, sorry that we didn't have much time to talk today. As you know it was a stressful time. I was a bit overwhelmed with everything that had to get done. Thanks for being patient with me. I miss you very much. I know you think I'm this superwoman, but honestly, it is time to hang up my cape. I getting too old for this s***t. It has been warm here. I hope the weather stays this way so we can go out on the boat when you're here for RnR. After today, I'm thinking Mexico might be a great destination for our upcoming family trip! Lounging by the pool, swimming in the cenote, and a snorkeling day at Xhel-Ha beach. Back the bags!
I know what you're thinking, "It is his project let him do it." That sounds good in theory. What people fail to realize is that to complete a fairly decent project the child needs help. It requires time from the parent to help facilitate and supply the project. Well, when your limited on time and there is only you it makes for a very stressful situation.
So there I was, two projects due this weekend. A science project that needed to be started and a whole list of other things that needed to get done. After a mental meltdown, freak out, and then some deep breathing, I did what any quality parent would do. Put my homework on hold, rallied the troops, and started the 5th grade science project. My son, his big sis , her boyfriend, and I got to work. We conducted the experiment and have our results. Now just the display has to be put together.
Although I was stressed by the inconvenience, I realize that as a parent some things come first. There are times, well many times, when you have to sacrifice. Kids need your time and energy. It is proven that students who have parents that make school work a priority and actually spend time to work with them are more successful in school. It is also proven that it impacts their future as an adult. Too many times I have seen students struggle, not because they can't do the work, but because the adult in their life doesn't put the effort in to help or check. The child has no support. If you want your child to be successful in school, you, the parent, must make it a priority.
I know sometimes it can be overwhelming. I know sometimes the work doesn't make sense. Nevertheless, the parents actions influence the path the child takes. I am comforted by the fact that we worked through the difficulties and accomplished what we needed to today. Science project is half way completed. And the bonus? Both my assignments are done as well.
To my honey, sorry that we didn't have much time to talk today. As you know it was a stressful time. I was a bit overwhelmed with everything that had to get done. Thanks for being patient with me. I miss you very much. I know you think I'm this superwoman, but honestly, it is time to hang up my cape. I getting too old for this s***t. It has been warm here. I hope the weather stays this way so we can go out on the boat when you're here for RnR. After today, I'm thinking Mexico might be a great destination for our upcoming family trip! Lounging by the pool, swimming in the cenote, and a snorkeling day at Xhel-Ha beach. Back the bags!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Twilight Zone - Deployment Daze 202
Your traveling through another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.... You've entered the Twilight Zone. (Not really, it's Kansas)
To some of you these words uttered by Rod Serling will be familiar. If you're to young to know the show, it was a show about ordinary people who found themselves in strange, bizarre and most often scary places. Places that did not make sense. Where nothing was how it should be. People were not how they should be. Lately that is how I have been feeling. Disconnected, out of place in the world. Nothing fits, I don't fit. For the first time, I truly feel uncomfortable in my life.
Can I put my finger on what it is? Not really. I don't know if it is the emotional wear and tear of deployment, the isolation, the culture, or what? I just want to run from this place screaming. If you were to ask me to explain it I couldn't. Something is out of place. I fear now that something is me!
The kids love it here. They love their school and have great friends. For them it has been wonderful. For that I am grateful. However, that is the nature of the Twilight Zone. Only the main character is stuck in the other dimension. So for now I'm stuck. Stuck inside the journey through the Twilight Zone
To my honey, RnR can not get here soon enough. I can't believe we finally have official dates. At least as close to official as you can get with the Army. Information changes and morphs into something else that sometimes I wonder if I ever knew what was going on in the first place. Hopefully, we will be enjoying RnR soon and according to plan. I need some sense of stability, sanity, some normalcy that only you can provide. I look forward to having some fun! Oh! Our delivery date got moved up..so baby will be here in two weeks! I'll let you know how it goes.
Play Safe, Play Smart
To some of you these words uttered by Rod Serling will be familiar. If you're to young to know the show, it was a show about ordinary people who found themselves in strange, bizarre and most often scary places. Places that did not make sense. Where nothing was how it should be. People were not how they should be. Lately that is how I have been feeling. Disconnected, out of place in the world. Nothing fits, I don't fit. For the first time, I truly feel uncomfortable in my life.
Can I put my finger on what it is? Not really. I don't know if it is the emotional wear and tear of deployment, the isolation, the culture, or what? I just want to run from this place screaming. If you were to ask me to explain it I couldn't. Something is out of place. I fear now that something is me!
The kids love it here. They love their school and have great friends. For them it has been wonderful. For that I am grateful. However, that is the nature of the Twilight Zone. Only the main character is stuck in the other dimension. So for now I'm stuck. Stuck inside the journey through the Twilight Zone
To my honey, RnR can not get here soon enough. I can't believe we finally have official dates. At least as close to official as you can get with the Army. Information changes and morphs into something else that sometimes I wonder if I ever knew what was going on in the first place. Hopefully, we will be enjoying RnR soon and according to plan. I need some sense of stability, sanity, some normalcy that only you can provide. I look forward to having some fun! Oh! Our delivery date got moved up..so baby will be here in two weeks! I'll let you know how it goes.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Friday, March 26, 2010
The End is Near - Deployment Daze 191
Wow! I just looked back and saw that I hadn't written in almost a month. Has it been that long? I guess with school, kids, work and life stuff..time has slipped away. There have been several time I thought about blogging. Just didn't have enough motivation. Mostly because I have been developing a webpage for a class assignment and that has used up all my desire to be on the computer.
As for deployment, we're almost at RnR. It will be a fun and interesting time. I'm looking forward to exciting adventures.
To my honey, can't wait for RnR. Hopefully your trip will be smooth and uneventful. Oh, the due date is April 23. We're going to have a baby in the house. Isn't that exciting! Talk to you soon Grandpa!
Play Safe, Play Smart
As for deployment, we're almost at RnR. It will be a fun and interesting time. I'm looking forward to exciting adventures.
To my honey, can't wait for RnR. Hopefully your trip will be smooth and uneventful. Oh, the due date is April 23. We're going to have a baby in the house. Isn't that exciting! Talk to you soon Grandpa!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Frozen in Time - Deployment Daze 166
I've missed a week. Just not able to pour forth any words of wisdom or self-revelation. Truth be told, I'm stuck. Stuck in life. Stopped, halted, suspended. FROZEN! that's it frozen in time like the mammoths found by scientists. Perfectly preserved and stopped in mid life. That is where I'm at in this deployment.
This cold hard comparison hit me when I went to the lake to check on the boat. It has snowed a good amount here and that created some issues on our boat. More specifically a huge accumulation of snow on our boat cover which turned into a giant iceberg. Several times we, the kids and I have, have tried to remove it. There was no budging it or breaking it up. It was solid ice. During the day it would melt a little and then refreeze. It was a revolving problem with no end. The cover was slowly sinking towards the boat floor. It was a mess. It is times like this when you really feel the weight of deployment. The helplessness.
So days passed, my state of frozen suspension lingering, I had to go back to lake to pick out our boat slip for the summer. I checked on my iceberg. Yep! Still there. Still frozen. Still a big pain in my ass. Now the carpet was frozen and a complete slippery mess. Slipping and sliding, I chipped away at the iceberg. Pieces would come off but no progress in making it moveable. I was still getting nowhere. I didn't give up though. I knew that I had to be doing some good. Removing any amount of ice was progress. Then it happened! The huge block of ice moved. It slid. I could manipulate it enough to slide it out the door and let it fall to the ground.
I was on a mission now. There was hope! I was going to shove this iceberg off the side no matter what. I pushed and slipped. Pushed and slipped. It wasn't easy at all. And then when I thought that it wasn't going to go any farther, it slid enough over the edge that gravity took over. It fell off the side and hit the ground with a huge "THUD" Didn't even shatter. Just one giant piece of ice sitting on the ground.
SUCCESS!!! I was so excited and proud of myself. Although personally I'm still frozen in my own iceberg, I know that every effort to chip away at my cold prison is worth it. Each day moves us closer to end of this deployment. Each day breaks up the ice. One day the door will open and my frozen encasement will slide right off. Time will move forward. Life will move forward. And this experience will be moment in history, preserved like the frozen mammoths.
To my honey, well I have the boat squared away. We have an awesome slip for when you're here on RnR. I removed the iceberg using my superpowers of course. I know you thought it was funny when you watched the video. As you can see your presence is missed greatly. Could have really used your muscles on that one. The sun shows itself every now and then. I'm so sick of snow, cold, and being alone. God! Just the description of it is enough to send me screaming. The absolute loneliness combined with the depressing weather..UGH! I've been working out on the treadmill and have now started sit-ups and planks. Not much fun in those. Love you..hope to see you soon.
Play Safe, Play Smart
This cold hard comparison hit me when I went to the lake to check on the boat. It has snowed a good amount here and that created some issues on our boat. More specifically a huge accumulation of snow on our boat cover which turned into a giant iceberg. Several times we, the kids and I have, have tried to remove it. There was no budging it or breaking it up. It was solid ice. During the day it would melt a little and then refreeze. It was a revolving problem with no end. The cover was slowly sinking towards the boat floor. It was a mess. It is times like this when you really feel the weight of deployment. The helplessness.
So days passed, my state of frozen suspension lingering, I had to go back to lake to pick out our boat slip for the summer. I checked on my iceberg. Yep! Still there. Still frozen. Still a big pain in my ass. Now the carpet was frozen and a complete slippery mess. Slipping and sliding, I chipped away at the iceberg. Pieces would come off but no progress in making it moveable. I was still getting nowhere. I didn't give up though. I knew that I had to be doing some good. Removing any amount of ice was progress. Then it happened! The huge block of ice moved. It slid. I could manipulate it enough to slide it out the door and let it fall to the ground.
I was on a mission now. There was hope! I was going to shove this iceberg off the side no matter what. I pushed and slipped. Pushed and slipped. It wasn't easy at all. And then when I thought that it wasn't going to go any farther, it slid enough over the edge that gravity took over. It fell off the side and hit the ground with a huge "THUD" Didn't even shatter. Just one giant piece of ice sitting on the ground.
SUCCESS!!! I was so excited and proud of myself. Although personally I'm still frozen in my own iceberg, I know that every effort to chip away at my cold prison is worth it. Each day moves us closer to end of this deployment. Each day breaks up the ice. One day the door will open and my frozen encasement will slide right off. Time will move forward. Life will move forward. And this experience will be moment in history, preserved like the frozen mammoths.
To my honey, well I have the boat squared away. We have an awesome slip for when you're here on RnR. I removed the iceberg using my superpowers of course. I know you thought it was funny when you watched the video. As you can see your presence is missed greatly. Could have really used your muscles on that one. The sun shows itself every now and then. I'm so sick of snow, cold, and being alone. God! Just the description of it is enough to send me screaming. The absolute loneliness combined with the depressing weather..UGH! I've been working out on the treadmill and have now started sit-ups and planks. Not much fun in those. Love you..hope to see you soon.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Back in Time - Deployment Daze 151
As I go through my week, many different thoughts and topics come to mind that I want to blog about. Some are philosophical. Some are just frustrations that I want to rant about. The raw emotion of the moment drive me to want to write about it. After a few days, that desperation wanes and the issue isn't as serious as it seemed. Which can be a good thing because putting some of my thoughts in writing would be not be a good idea. There are those who would not take kindly to what I have to say and extreme drama would ensue. Drama which I don't care to experience.
So as I was trying to decide what to write about, I looked back at my blogs. I started with the first one written on DDay 1 and read every one finishing with last week. Wow! what a journey. Some made me laugh as I recall that moment in time. Others left me thoughtful. And although some of those moments recall painful and tearful times, none of them made me sad.
After reading the blogs from the first few days of deployment, I feel like I have gone back in time. Eventhough we are half way to the end, it seems as if it's the beginning again. Is it suppose to feel this way? Everyone says that it will go by fast now. What a bunch of crap! One year is one year. 365 days no more no less. As I think about the time, it seems like six months has been just that if not longer. And six months more will feel just as long as before.
I truly thought that I would have this sense of relief. That there would be some type of change, a cosmic shift in the universe or something. Nope! Still here. Holidays came and went. Birthdays came and went. And there is no more sense of getting to the finish line then when he left on DDay1.
This experience has been life changing. Now it's old. Been there. Done that. Time for something new. Time to get off this ride. Maybe it's the rut. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe the truth of all that is happening has really hit. All I know is that it feels like I've gone back in time.
To my honey, I re-read my blogs that I have written the last six months. There were many funny moments that made me laugh. It's Valentine's Day and I miss you very much. The flowers you sent were amazing. What truly touched my heart, more than anything, was the beautiful flowers you sent to M. She loved them and it made her feel so special. Thank you for showing her that good guys do exist. Your willingness to accept both kids into your life and be a parent and role model never ceases to amaze me. Oh, I went to the boat today to deal with the ice and experienced an EPIC FAILURE. The cover still has an iceberg in it and it is unhooked from one corner. I've given up. I do not have the muscle power or help to solve the problem. I'll add it to the Honey Do List that is waiting for your return. We're still practicing M's driving which has me terrified on a daily basis. That also is added to your list.
Play Safe, Play Smart
So as I was trying to decide what to write about, I looked back at my blogs. I started with the first one written on DDay 1 and read every one finishing with last week. Wow! what a journey. Some made me laugh as I recall that moment in time. Others left me thoughtful. And although some of those moments recall painful and tearful times, none of them made me sad.
After reading the blogs from the first few days of deployment, I feel like I have gone back in time. Eventhough we are half way to the end, it seems as if it's the beginning again. Is it suppose to feel this way? Everyone says that it will go by fast now. What a bunch of crap! One year is one year. 365 days no more no less. As I think about the time, it seems like six months has been just that if not longer. And six months more will feel just as long as before.
I truly thought that I would have this sense of relief. That there would be some type of change, a cosmic shift in the universe or something. Nope! Still here. Holidays came and went. Birthdays came and went. And there is no more sense of getting to the finish line then when he left on DDay1.
This experience has been life changing. Now it's old. Been there. Done that. Time for something new. Time to get off this ride. Maybe it's the rut. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe the truth of all that is happening has really hit. All I know is that it feels like I've gone back in time.
To my honey, I re-read my blogs that I have written the last six months. There were many funny moments that made me laugh. It's Valentine's Day and I miss you very much. The flowers you sent were amazing. What truly touched my heart, more than anything, was the beautiful flowers you sent to M. She loved them and it made her feel so special. Thank you for showing her that good guys do exist. Your willingness to accept both kids into your life and be a parent and role model never ceases to amaze me. Oh, I went to the boat today to deal with the ice and experienced an EPIC FAILURE. The cover still has an iceberg in it and it is unhooked from one corner. I've given up. I do not have the muscle power or help to solve the problem. I'll add it to the Honey Do List that is waiting for your return. We're still practicing M's driving which has me terrified on a daily basis. That also is added to your list.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Why oh "Y" - Deployment Daze 143
I always had this theory, even thought about writing a book, about why guys do the things they do. You know what I mean....the stories are everywhere. Sex and City, He Just Not that Into You, they all use this topic as their main theme. The stories of never calling, breaking up in an email or post-it, all of sudden not talking to you, etc. Out of the blue weird behavior. I blame it on the Y chromosome. It's the Y factor and every guy has it and gets it. There just ain't no stopping it.
You see no one told me that you would get to experience or relive dating hell when you have a teenage daughter. It's true. As my daughter experiences the let downs of dealing with boys, I feel it too. How do you explain why a boy just stops talking to her? How do you help her overcome the humiliating and damaging feelings when the guy blames her? Not to mention the buried feelings you have yourself that rise to surface from your past. It is really difficult.
If as a teenage girl you are subject to this jerk like behavior then no wonder we turn out the way we do. Why are guys so surprised as adults that women are untrusting, clingy, nagging, etc.? They made us this way by their treatment of us in high school. Their dumb ass behavior just made it worse for some guy in the future.
So I guess the best advice I can give, is blame it on the Y factor. It's nothing personal. It's not about you. It's their issue. The guy! The one with the defective chromosome. They can't help it. It's in their genes. Handed down from generation to generation.
To my honey, yes you have the Y factor. I'm sure in your earlier days your Y factor created a dating hell for some poor girl. And there are times when I have to remind myself that it is the Y factor I'm dealing with. I still love you Y factor and all. I missed you alot when you were out on mission these past few days. I am looking forward to you being home for RnR soon. Hope you enjoy your Valentine's gift. Life is going according to plan. Nothing major to report.
Play Safe, Play Smart
You see no one told me that you would get to experience or relive dating hell when you have a teenage daughter. It's true. As my daughter experiences the let downs of dealing with boys, I feel it too. How do you explain why a boy just stops talking to her? How do you help her overcome the humiliating and damaging feelings when the guy blames her? Not to mention the buried feelings you have yourself that rise to surface from your past. It is really difficult.
If as a teenage girl you are subject to this jerk like behavior then no wonder we turn out the way we do. Why are guys so surprised as adults that women are untrusting, clingy, nagging, etc.? They made us this way by their treatment of us in high school. Their dumb ass behavior just made it worse for some guy in the future.
So I guess the best advice I can give, is blame it on the Y factor. It's nothing personal. It's not about you. It's their issue. The guy! The one with the defective chromosome. They can't help it. It's in their genes. Handed down from generation to generation.
To my honey, yes you have the Y factor. I'm sure in your earlier days your Y factor created a dating hell for some poor girl. And there are times when I have to remind myself that it is the Y factor I'm dealing with. I still love you Y factor and all. I missed you alot when you were out on mission these past few days. I am looking forward to you being home for RnR soon. Hope you enjoy your Valentine's gift. Life is going according to plan. Nothing major to report.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Crazy Busy - Deployment Daze 134
Ok, so I skipped a week. Just couldn't find the motivation to blog. With the loss by the Vikings, I found myself lost. Now what? No more football? The one thing I look forward to on the weekends was my Sunday football. Nevertheless, my weekend and weeks have been crazy busy.
My son celebrated his 11th birthday with a party followed by soccer. Tons of fun but exhausting. My Sunday of relaxation turned into a stressed out affair with the nail biting Vikings vs. Saints game. Then back to the daily grind of the week.
School of course is a place that I thrive. Studying change theory in one class and developing a project plan for a website in another. Yep! I will have my own website. Starting with something small. A simple family site where immediate family and select friends can log on and see the happenings of the Brown Clan from Kansas. Still working on a catchy name. Now my mom can keep up-to-date with everyone and not stress about being on MySpace. If this web site is successful then I might venture to create a more public one for all my Fx peeps. We'll have to see.
Alot more is mov'n and shak'n with where I'm at and where I'm going. I have some critical decisions to make regarding my role in life. Just don't know if I'm ready to take on so much responsibility. I've always wanted to be an important player within this area and provide the leadership and support needed. Just now that the opportunity has presented itself, not quite sure if I'm ready. Be careful what you wish for.
As we move into our 6 month of deployment, I find that emotionally I'm back at Day 1. It seems not be getting easier , but harder and more stressful. I'm sadden by the loneliness. Will is ever come to an end? The kids are even feeling the strain. They show it in different ways through poetry, drawings, little sayings. I guess that is their mode for handling it.
To my honey, we all miss you very much. Skype no longer can compensate for you not being with us. I'm ready for this to be done. Still not sure about my decision. I so afraid that I will fail or not be able to handle what needs to be accomplished. The "What if" keeps me from taking that leap of faith. We're all trudging forward one step at a time. Love you lots.
Play Safe, Play Smart.
My son celebrated his 11th birthday with a party followed by soccer. Tons of fun but exhausting. My Sunday of relaxation turned into a stressed out affair with the nail biting Vikings vs. Saints game. Then back to the daily grind of the week.
School of course is a place that I thrive. Studying change theory in one class and developing a project plan for a website in another. Yep! I will have my own website. Starting with something small. A simple family site where immediate family and select friends can log on and see the happenings of the Brown Clan from Kansas. Still working on a catchy name. Now my mom can keep up-to-date with everyone and not stress about being on MySpace. If this web site is successful then I might venture to create a more public one for all my Fx peeps. We'll have to see.
Alot more is mov'n and shak'n with where I'm at and where I'm going. I have some critical decisions to make regarding my role in life. Just don't know if I'm ready to take on so much responsibility. I've always wanted to be an important player within this area and provide the leadership and support needed. Just now that the opportunity has presented itself, not quite sure if I'm ready. Be careful what you wish for.
As we move into our 6 month of deployment, I find that emotionally I'm back at Day 1. It seems not be getting easier , but harder and more stressful. I'm sadden by the loneliness. Will is ever come to an end? The kids are even feeling the strain. They show it in different ways through poetry, drawings, little sayings. I guess that is their mode for handling it.
To my honey, we all miss you very much. Skype no longer can compensate for you not being with us. I'm ready for this to be done. Still not sure about my decision. I so afraid that I will fail or not be able to handle what needs to be accomplished. The "What if" keeps me from taking that leap of faith. We're all trudging forward one step at a time. Love you lots.
Play Safe, Play Smart.
Monday, January 18, 2010
What a Difference a Day Makes - Deployment Daze 124
It's amazing how a few days can change everything. Last week I was on the edge of cliff and now I'm clearly on the other side. My week has been busy and eventful. Work is actually keeping me busy and challenged which is what I need. It is starting to look like something I could enjoy. I have been offered some new responsibilities that are in line with my graduate program no I'm very excited.
The biggest event happened this weekend with my daughters 16th birthday. Wow! Sweet 16. I still can't believe it. We had a great time. Her party went well. I'm so glad she has a good group of friends. After the party we had indoor soccer for my son so it was a busy Saturday.
Then of course it's football Sunday. One I had been looking forward to all week. Cowboys vs Vikings. Husband vs Wife. Well we all know how that turned out. Vikings move on, Cowboys go home. It was such a stomping that I refrain from talking too much smack. There just comes a point when smack talking isn't appropriate and what's happening on the feel is more of an embarrassment.
So all in all I had a good week.
To my honey, we really missed you this weekend at the Sweet 16 birthday. I'm sorry that your Cowboys didn't win. I just have to say, GO VIKINGS! and sing and dance..I'm so excited, that I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I just can't hide it. Back to the real world of work. Can't wait for you to come home. Love you!
Play Safe, Play Smart
The biggest event happened this weekend with my daughters 16th birthday. Wow! Sweet 16. I still can't believe it. We had a great time. Her party went well. I'm so glad she has a good group of friends. After the party we had indoor soccer for my son so it was a busy Saturday.
Then of course it's football Sunday. One I had been looking forward to all week. Cowboys vs Vikings. Husband vs Wife. Well we all know how that turned out. Vikings move on, Cowboys go home. It was such a stomping that I refrain from talking too much smack. There just comes a point when smack talking isn't appropriate and what's happening on the feel is more of an embarrassment.
So all in all I had a good week.
To my honey, we really missed you this weekend at the Sweet 16 birthday. I'm sorry that your Cowboys didn't win. I just have to say, GO VIKINGS! and sing and dance..I'm so excited, that I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I just can't hide it. Back to the real world of work. Can't wait for you to come home. Love you!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Edge of Insanity - Deployment Daze 116
Now that we have entered a new year, I don't feel the excitement of new opportunities, new experiences. The last two weeks of December were so calm and peaceful. A wonderful transition into January. Now I struggle with feeling of dread. Something is off balance and I can't quiet pin point what it is. Depression, irritation, anxiety all rear their ugly head. Just the other night, I woke up at 5 am and could not go back to sleep. The anxiety was unbearable. I don't know what's up???
I feel as if I am balancing on the edge of a cliff. I need to get across for on the other side is contentment, peace, satisfaction. I can't find the crossing. Franticly I run back and forth along the edge. One fatal slip could end it all, but the pressure to cross is too great to stop. It is frustrating to say the least.
Could it be the stress of deployment settling in again? The hype of the holidays being such a milestone have left me unprepared for the months after. I guess I thought if I could make it through the holidays it would be downhill from there. Well there are still several months to go and it is still the same. Nothing is any easier, better, faster, etc. Time still moves in 24 hour periods.
I had to return to work which also contributes to frustration. I feel trapped by my stubborn need for the almighty $$$. My fear of not having some type of consistent income drive me to endure a meaningless job that lacks challenge and growth. How do people do it? Deep down though, I know that my ultimate dream is to be at home. Susie Homemaker for me. Something that I feel I was denied to even think about as a child. Maybe those past regrets are haunting me now.
I don't know what 2010 will bring. Right now it doesn't feel right.
To my honey, I'm sorry if I have been irritable lately. I miss you very much. The weather is getting old with all the damn snow and cold. I absolutely love my treadmill. I have been using it every day. And to think that I put it together. That was an interesting experience. I can't wait till you get home for RnR. Also, I have been looking into a football trip for next season. Vikings and Cowboys in MN at the Mall of America. Wouldn't that be a blast? This Sunday though, I'll be watching the Vikings kick Cowboy's ass. GO VIKINGS!
Play Safe, Play Smart
I feel as if I am balancing on the edge of a cliff. I need to get across for on the other side is contentment, peace, satisfaction. I can't find the crossing. Franticly I run back and forth along the edge. One fatal slip could end it all, but the pressure to cross is too great to stop. It is frustrating to say the least.
Could it be the stress of deployment settling in again? The hype of the holidays being such a milestone have left me unprepared for the months after. I guess I thought if I could make it through the holidays it would be downhill from there. Well there are still several months to go and it is still the same. Nothing is any easier, better, faster, etc. Time still moves in 24 hour periods.
I had to return to work which also contributes to frustration. I feel trapped by my stubborn need for the almighty $$$. My fear of not having some type of consistent income drive me to endure a meaningless job that lacks challenge and growth. How do people do it? Deep down though, I know that my ultimate dream is to be at home. Susie Homemaker for me. Something that I feel I was denied to even think about as a child. Maybe those past regrets are haunting me now.
I don't know what 2010 will bring. Right now it doesn't feel right.
To my honey, I'm sorry if I have been irritable lately. I miss you very much. The weather is getting old with all the damn snow and cold. I absolutely love my treadmill. I have been using it every day. And to think that I put it together. That was an interesting experience. I can't wait till you get home for RnR. Also, I have been looking into a football trip for next season. Vikings and Cowboys in MN at the Mall of America. Wouldn't that be a blast? This Sunday though, I'll be watching the Vikings kick Cowboy's ass. GO VIKINGS!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Friday, January 1, 2010
Room by Room - Deployment Daze 107
“We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives – not looking for flaws, but for potential.”
(This quote inspired me to depart from my regular Saturday blog and post early, on the 1st.)
How true it is that as the year draws to a close there is the drive to take inventory of the past year. I would relive my year through a Christmas letter sent to friends and family. However, I had stopped several years back. My need for self-preservation and security at the time prevented me from putting my life events in writing. I had stopped walking through my rooms. I realize though that I miss that glance back. That final sweep of "the room" before moving on. Good, bad or otherwise! So here it is my year room by room
My Living Room - The first of the year brought new living arrangements with a move from Oklahoma to Kansas. I thought how different could it be. The states are right next to each other. HA!!! I felt like I had moved to another planet. City to small town (and I mean "nothing to do" small town) was a bummer to say the least. When Wal-Mart is considered your mall, you know you're in trouble. However, it is a great place if you love lake activities which we do. Being boat owners we love to be on the water. The summer we spent on the boat knee boarding and fishing has been the best ever. Oh the fishing! Absolutely the most fun I ever had. We had heard the fishing was great! But at first we only caught dinky fish. Smaller than the bait itself sometimes. Then we hit on the right method and went fish crazy. Catching Wipers as they are flying out of the water is an experience everyone has to try. All the kids experienced their first big catch. Between me losing two poles and two pairs of sunglasses in the lake to my step-daughter falling in makes it a summer to remember.
My Family Room - This year has been particularly difficult with regards to family. Moving in the middle of the school year is difficult and even more so when you have to leave someone behind. My daughter stayed to finish out the Spring semester in Oklahoma and my husband, my son and I moved. There is a lot to this story that I chose not detail, just believe me when I say it was the most painful, traumatic, hurtful, and scary thing that I had ever experienced. My son handled the move like a trooper and was able to enroll in a brand new school. He didn't skip a beat and continues to excel in school with straight A's. He has many friends in the neighborhood. My daughter who joined us later has thrived in her school and is a much happier teenager than before. She too has great friends and a boyfriend who is extremely sweet and smart. We were reduced by one again in the later part of this year when my husband deployed to Iraq. He has been serving our country and will be home in 2010. His absence has had a profound effect on our family. The holidays in particular is where you felt it the most. I know looking forward that these experiences have forged a stronger bond. I love my husband more each day and my kids love him too.
My Office - Well, what can I say. I became a statistic. One of many thousands of unemployed. I left a great paying stable job in the city and moved. (Isn't that a song.."Left a good job in the city..") I just knew with my experience and background I would land a job quickly. HA!!! In a recession! HA!! In a small town where they don't even have my industry! Yeah that didn't work out so well. So income gone. Unemployment gone. What's a girl to do? FREAK OUT!!!! That's what! Yep, I did. Big Time! You see, I'm not the type of female who relies on a man to provide things. If I want something, I work for it. I use my money. Never used manipulation or poor me to get other people to pay for things. Well, when the buck stops here it means everything stops! So every emotion hit the surface..Anger, hurt, terror, etc. After the meltdown came the light. This crisis opened the door to bigger and better things. I finally was given the opportunity to get my Masters Degree and eventually my PhD. To my surprise a 4 year University close to home, a pt-job as a Career Advisor, and on my way to being called Dr. Brown. I'm currently carrying a 4.0 in my graduate work and many of my projects are being used as examples for next year's students.
Game Room - We all enjoyed many fun times this year. Trips to interesting places such as KC, St Louis, Joplin, Wichita. HS Football games and very big deal here. Professional Football and my new experience playing fantasy football. Which of course I was awesome at. 11-2 record for the regular season. Third place overall. Kids in and out of the house. Shopping trips to the mall. And new friends that we've met who have made life here in KS more enjoyable.
After walking through my rooms, I can do nothing now but smile and sometimes laugh. Eventhough some of those times I had cried. I've done my sweep and am ready for the new possibilities that 2010 brings.
To my honey, there are some many memories to cherish from 2009. Many times we had laughed. I laugh now thinking about losing my sunglasses or watching the pole get yanked out of the boat by some giant fish. Oh and the lures... The look on your face, priceless. And the time we drove around all night looking for the Spook Light in Joplin. I will find that light. Just know that I love you. No matter how hard it gets it will get better and then we'll laugh. Also know that my kids adore you and miss you very much. Can't wait until I can write that I have nothing to write...because you've come home. Thanks for a interesting and exciting 2009. I look forward to 2010
Play Safe Play Smart
(This quote inspired me to depart from my regular Saturday blog and post early, on the 1st.)
How true it is that as the year draws to a close there is the drive to take inventory of the past year. I would relive my year through a Christmas letter sent to friends and family. However, I had stopped several years back. My need for self-preservation and security at the time prevented me from putting my life events in writing. I had stopped walking through my rooms. I realize though that I miss that glance back. That final sweep of "the room" before moving on. Good, bad or otherwise! So here it is my year room by room
My Living Room - The first of the year brought new living arrangements with a move from Oklahoma to Kansas. I thought how different could it be. The states are right next to each other. HA!!! I felt like I had moved to another planet. City to small town (and I mean "nothing to do" small town) was a bummer to say the least. When Wal-Mart is considered your mall, you know you're in trouble. However, it is a great place if you love lake activities which we do. Being boat owners we love to be on the water. The summer we spent on the boat knee boarding and fishing has been the best ever. Oh the fishing! Absolutely the most fun I ever had. We had heard the fishing was great! But at first we only caught dinky fish. Smaller than the bait itself sometimes. Then we hit on the right method and went fish crazy. Catching Wipers as they are flying out of the water is an experience everyone has to try. All the kids experienced their first big catch. Between me losing two poles and two pairs of sunglasses in the lake to my step-daughter falling in makes it a summer to remember.
My Family Room - This year has been particularly difficult with regards to family. Moving in the middle of the school year is difficult and even more so when you have to leave someone behind. My daughter stayed to finish out the Spring semester in Oklahoma and my husband, my son and I moved. There is a lot to this story that I chose not detail, just believe me when I say it was the most painful, traumatic, hurtful, and scary thing that I had ever experienced. My son handled the move like a trooper and was able to enroll in a brand new school. He didn't skip a beat and continues to excel in school with straight A's. He has many friends in the neighborhood. My daughter who joined us later has thrived in her school and is a much happier teenager than before. She too has great friends and a boyfriend who is extremely sweet and smart. We were reduced by one again in the later part of this year when my husband deployed to Iraq. He has been serving our country and will be home in 2010. His absence has had a profound effect on our family. The holidays in particular is where you felt it the most. I know looking forward that these experiences have forged a stronger bond. I love my husband more each day and my kids love him too.
My Office - Well, what can I say. I became a statistic. One of many thousands of unemployed. I left a great paying stable job in the city and moved. (Isn't that a song.."Left a good job in the city..") I just knew with my experience and background I would land a job quickly. HA!!! In a recession! HA!! In a small town where they don't even have my industry! Yeah that didn't work out so well. So income gone. Unemployment gone. What's a girl to do? FREAK OUT!!!! That's what! Yep, I did. Big Time! You see, I'm not the type of female who relies on a man to provide things. If I want something, I work for it. I use my money. Never used manipulation or poor me to get other people to pay for things. Well, when the buck stops here it means everything stops! So every emotion hit the surface..Anger, hurt, terror, etc. After the meltdown came the light. This crisis opened the door to bigger and better things. I finally was given the opportunity to get my Masters Degree and eventually my PhD. To my surprise a 4 year University close to home, a pt-job as a Career Advisor, and on my way to being called Dr. Brown. I'm currently carrying a 4.0 in my graduate work and many of my projects are being used as examples for next year's students.
Game Room - We all enjoyed many fun times this year. Trips to interesting places such as KC, St Louis, Joplin, Wichita. HS Football games and very big deal here. Professional Football and my new experience playing fantasy football. Which of course I was awesome at. 11-2 record for the regular season. Third place overall. Kids in and out of the house. Shopping trips to the mall. And new friends that we've met who have made life here in KS more enjoyable.
After walking through my rooms, I can do nothing now but smile and sometimes laugh. Eventhough some of those times I had cried. I've done my sweep and am ready for the new possibilities that 2010 brings.
To my honey, there are some many memories to cherish from 2009. Many times we had laughed. I laugh now thinking about losing my sunglasses or watching the pole get yanked out of the boat by some giant fish. Oh and the lures... The look on your face, priceless. And the time we drove around all night looking for the Spook Light in Joplin. I will find that light. Just know that I love you. No matter how hard it gets it will get better and then we'll laugh. Also know that my kids adore you and miss you very much. Can't wait until I can write that I have nothing to write...because you've come home. Thanks for a interesting and exciting 2009. I look forward to 2010
Play Safe Play Smart
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Unforeseen Gift - Deployment Daze 101
Christmas my favorite time of year. The lights, decorations, songs..it all makes me happy. I would have thought this year would be different. My husband deployed to Iraq and my kids visiting their dad, this would be the first Christmas I would be 100% by myself. Many people felt sorry for me and were saddened that I would have a "lonely" Christmas. Strangely enough it wasn't that bad.
Christmas this year was all about me. I enjoyed sleeping in, watching movies, not cooking, doing whatever I want, whenever I want. Some would say that was selfish, not right for Christmas when it should be about giving to others. PHOOEE!! I say it was about self-preservation. Everyone needs time for themselves to relax, refresh, recharge. And that's what I did. No pressures to be somewhere, to do something, to get this done or that done. It was my time.
Would it have been nice to have my husband home and celebrate Christmas like we normally do? YEAH! But that is not reality so you make the best out of what you got.
So I enjoyed my time. It was like being on a spa retreat only I was at my house.
And truthfully I wasn't completely alone. I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my husband via Skype. I received many Holiday wishes from my Facebook Friends and family. I was able to reminisce with my CA friends. I will open gifts with my kids in the next couple of days. So my Christmas was not the tragic drama one would imagine.
To my honey, I love all my gifts for Christmas and our anniversary. The Iraqi crystal is gorgeous and so is the emerald necklace. My absolute favorite though is the ruby pendant you had personally designed by Zales. You won't be able to top that one..although you can try. I ventured out today after the snow had stopped. The roads were completely clear. I was shocked. I think we need to invest in a snow blower. I'm tired of shoveling snow. Love You!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Christmas this year was all about me. I enjoyed sleeping in, watching movies, not cooking, doing whatever I want, whenever I want. Some would say that was selfish, not right for Christmas when it should be about giving to others. PHOOEE!! I say it was about self-preservation. Everyone needs time for themselves to relax, refresh, recharge. And that's what I did. No pressures to be somewhere, to do something, to get this done or that done. It was my time.
Would it have been nice to have my husband home and celebrate Christmas like we normally do? YEAH! But that is not reality so you make the best out of what you got.
So I enjoyed my time. It was like being on a spa retreat only I was at my house.
And truthfully I wasn't completely alone. I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my husband via Skype. I received many Holiday wishes from my Facebook Friends and family. I was able to reminisce with my CA friends. I will open gifts with my kids in the next couple of days. So my Christmas was not the tragic drama one would imagine.
To my honey, I love all my gifts for Christmas and our anniversary. The Iraqi crystal is gorgeous and so is the emerald necklace. My absolute favorite though is the ruby pendant you had personally designed by Zales. You won't be able to top that one..although you can try. I ventured out today after the snow had stopped. The roads were completely clear. I was shocked. I think we need to invest in a snow blower. I'm tired of shoveling snow. Love You!
Play Safe, Play Smart
Saturday, December 19, 2009
A Little Luck - Deployment Daze 94
Life is an interesting ride. One minute it's happy and next tragic. Those twists and turns, not knowing what's around the bend definitely make it exciting. I guess excitement can be both happy and tragic. Our moments in life that are fun provide us with excitement that we enjoy and want to repeat. The tragic moments provide a different kind of excitement. Scary! Not something we care to repeat but exciting none the less. The past few days, I have had a little of both.
I went to see the movie Avatar with my son this weekend. The movie was great and my son could not stop talking about it. He wants to read the book and on and on. The movie was very inspiring with a great life message. We finished the night with dinner and headed home. Walk in the door and the whole night took on a completely different level of excitement. My 20lb dog had eaten a bar of chocolate. Not one of those normal bars but one of those huge, 6.8 oz bars, of Hershey's Special Dark. Well if you know anything about dogs, chocolate is dangerous. So my life ride that evening took a hard left turn towards tragedy.
Emergency visit to the local vet ensued. As I'm cradling my baby in my arms, the vet administers; shots to make him throw up, IV drip to start fluids, and two huge syringes of black liquid goo (activated charcoal) forced fed down his throat. My dog is completely terrified and puking. I'm crying. This is the moment when I truly felt the loneliness of deployment. No one by my side to provide comfort and support. No calming force or strength. I truly was half of a whole. From the vet it was to the vet hospital ICU for overnight observation and more treatments. I was not having fun on this ride! Then the long ride home, full of tears, fears and prayers.
The next day brought some good news. Prognosis on my dog was that he was doing well and should be able to come later that day. In addition, my fantasy football which I was predicted to lose was also turning around. My ride had turned the corner.
My dog came home last night and we are all happy he is back. This was a ride that could have ended tragically. Thankfully it didn't. Unfortunately my fantasy football was not so lucky. With the poor performance by the Vikings, my reign as leader, has ended. I am out.
So what determines the excitement one gets to experience in life? Are we randomly thrown into twists and turns on this ride? And what determines whether the outcome is happy or the tragic? Fate, Karma, Destiny, or Luck?
For me, I'm feeling a little lucky.
To my honey, I truly felt your absence this weekend. Without you, I am only a part of the whole. I miss your strength and toughness. I love you very much. It seems like forever until you will get to come home. Still holding down the fort, barely.
Play Safe, Play Smart
I went to see the movie Avatar with my son this weekend. The movie was great and my son could not stop talking about it. He wants to read the book and on and on. The movie was very inspiring with a great life message. We finished the night with dinner and headed home. Walk in the door and the whole night took on a completely different level of excitement. My 20lb dog had eaten a bar of chocolate. Not one of those normal bars but one of those huge, 6.8 oz bars, of Hershey's Special Dark. Well if you know anything about dogs, chocolate is dangerous. So my life ride that evening took a hard left turn towards tragedy.
Emergency visit to the local vet ensued. As I'm cradling my baby in my arms, the vet administers; shots to make him throw up, IV drip to start fluids, and two huge syringes of black liquid goo (activated charcoal) forced fed down his throat. My dog is completely terrified and puking. I'm crying. This is the moment when I truly felt the loneliness of deployment. No one by my side to provide comfort and support. No calming force or strength. I truly was half of a whole. From the vet it was to the vet hospital ICU for overnight observation and more treatments. I was not having fun on this ride! Then the long ride home, full of tears, fears and prayers.
The next day brought some good news. Prognosis on my dog was that he was doing well and should be able to come later that day. In addition, my fantasy football which I was predicted to lose was also turning around. My ride had turned the corner.
My dog came home last night and we are all happy he is back. This was a ride that could have ended tragically. Thankfully it didn't. Unfortunately my fantasy football was not so lucky. With the poor performance by the Vikings, my reign as leader, has ended. I am out.
So what determines the excitement one gets to experience in life? Are we randomly thrown into twists and turns on this ride? And what determines whether the outcome is happy or the tragic? Fate, Karma, Destiny, or Luck?
For me, I'm feeling a little lucky.
To my honey, I truly felt your absence this weekend. Without you, I am only a part of the whole. I miss your strength and toughness. I love you very much. It seems like forever until you will get to come home. Still holding down the fort, barely.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The Future Looking Back - Deployment Daze 87
I read a friends blog today about self-reflection. You know those times when you take an inventory of who you are , where you've been, where you're going. Questions arise in your mind, "What if...?" Did I make the right choice back then? Should I've done that instead of this? Sometimes we are ashamed of our choices, sometimes we realize we made the wrong choice, sometimes we don't like the person we see staring back at us.
I think it is life's natural process for us to go through a personal inventory. It nature's way of having us metamorphous into our next stage. Similar to the phoenix who at the end stage burns up in flames only to rise from the ashes reborn. Looking back I can identify several times in my life that have been my phoenix moments. There was a time when these moments created a great deal of stress and depression. It led to difficulty making decisions for fear of what would happen if...It was always about how is this going to affect my life and those around me tomorrow, a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs. It was driving me crazy.
Then I came across this video, Where Will You Be? by Bright Careers. Although it is about careers and the Chaos Theory, the message can be applied to life in general. It brought me clarity and validation to my life. It made me realize that some of those decisions I made in my past were not bad decisions at all. That the decisions I made were the best ones for me at the time that I made them. It was what I needed to do at that moment in those circumstances.
Now don't get me wrong, I have made some GREAT!!! decisions. As I get older, I am more sure of the decisions I make. It seems like there is less pressure. Maybe because when you're old there is not as much time left to suffer the consequences, lol. Nonetheless, reality is that if you truly self-evaluate you will find times that you aren't proud of. All I have come to realize is it ain't all that bad. And that those so called bad decisions were actually great decisions that probably ended up working out for the best.
So if your reading this watch the video. It might make things a little lighter.
To my honey, I love you and miss you bunches. Christmas just isn't the same. It is extremely cold here and snowed like crazy. I've been using 4w drive on the truck to get around. Looking back I am so glad that my path has led to you. It has made every heartache and painful experience worth it. It would have been nice to fast forward and skip some, but then the end result would not have been the same.
Play Safe, Play Smart
I think it is life's natural process for us to go through a personal inventory. It nature's way of having us metamorphous into our next stage. Similar to the phoenix who at the end stage burns up in flames only to rise from the ashes reborn. Looking back I can identify several times in my life that have been my phoenix moments. There was a time when these moments created a great deal of stress and depression. It led to difficulty making decisions for fear of what would happen if...It was always about how is this going to affect my life and those around me tomorrow, a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs. It was driving me crazy.
Then I came across this video, Where Will You Be? by Bright Careers. Although it is about careers and the Chaos Theory, the message can be applied to life in general. It brought me clarity and validation to my life. It made me realize that some of those decisions I made in my past were not bad decisions at all. That the decisions I made were the best ones for me at the time that I made them. It was what I needed to do at that moment in those circumstances.
Now don't get me wrong, I have made some GREAT!!! decisions. As I get older, I am more sure of the decisions I make. It seems like there is less pressure. Maybe because when you're old there is not as much time left to suffer the consequences, lol. Nonetheless, reality is that if you truly self-evaluate you will find times that you aren't proud of. All I have come to realize is it ain't all that bad. And that those so called bad decisions were actually great decisions that probably ended up working out for the best.
So if your reading this watch the video. It might make things a little lighter.
To my honey, I love you and miss you bunches. Christmas just isn't the same. It is extremely cold here and snowed like crazy. I've been using 4w drive on the truck to get around. Looking back I am so glad that my path has led to you. It has made every heartache and painful experience worth it. It would have been nice to fast forward and skip some, but then the end result would not have been the same.
Play Safe, Play Smart
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