The Horror of It - Deployment Daze 246

You would think as the end of deployment gets closer it would be a downhill ride.  Everything easier and lighter.  My husband's brigade is starting to come home.  The first group arrived today so the end is near.  That proverbial light at the end of tunnel is shining bright. Yet, I couldn't feel worse.

It is hard to describe this feeling.  I feel farther away from him then when this whole thing started.  Like the long months of deployment have finally taken their toll.  In horror movies, they show someone running down a hall hoping to reach the door at the end.  Yet as they run, the halls seems to stretch longer and longer. No matter how hard they run they'll never make it out.  That's me!  Running.  Trying to get to the end. Watching the hall stretching and the door getting farther away.  Fearing that the door will never be reached.  If the door is not reached soon...it will never open!

What's behind the door? Life!  Just like in the horror movie.  Get out the door you get to live. Stay and your dead.  What's dead?   Maybe a little piece of us or me. I don't know and I don't want to find out.  So I'm running down the hall.  And I'm frustrated, irritated and tired.

You would think it would be easier.  Well it isn't. Two months doesn't sound like a long time when 10 months have already passed. But when YOUR living it, when YOUR running down the hall that never ends,  it seems like forever.

Back at the Beginning - Deployment Daze 239

Said goodbye today...UGH!  Didn't think it would be this hard.  It is just like in the beginning when he first left.  Of course I had to be strong.  Said my goodbyes, kissed and I walked away.  Just couldn't stay to watch him walk through the security check point and onto the tarmac.

Arrived home and was greeted by my wonderful dog who looked at me knowingly with those big brown eyes.  That is when I lost it.  I boo hooed and my dog sat their compassionately and listened.  I'm so ready for this to be over.

I'm tired!  Tired of trying to be so strong, brave, solid.  It's exhausting! Although it is only a couple more months it seems like an eternity.  Once again the loneliness sets in.  Although he drives me crazy sometimes when he is here, the empty space without him is so much worse. 

To my honey, miss you so much.  I spent most of the day cleaning up the house. It was obvious that you were here.  Laundry alone is going to take me at least a week to finish.  Tux is depressed without his buddy to rough house with him.  It will take us a few days to get into some type of normal routine again. The last two weeks were great.  We are looking forward to the time when you can come home to stay.  I plan on picking out some new furniture this weekend and if all goes well starting a exercise routine.  Fly safe and we'll talk soon. Love you!

Play Safe, Play Smart

Whirlwind of Activity - RnR

We're winding down our couple of weeks of RnR. Tomorrow he returns to Iraq.  Whew! It has been a whirlwind of activity.  There hasn't been much time for blogging.  I have thoroughly enjoyed these two weeks although they have been hectic at times.  We accomplished a lot of important to-do items and enjoyed a wonderful statecation. 

My daughter is learning how to drive and with the purchase of a new, used car, she is learning how to drive a standard.  Before long she will have her official license.  (SCARY!)  My hubby is amazingly patient with her.  I don't see how he stays so calm.

We enjoyed many wonderful meals including a wild dinner with his parents, the boyfriend, prom dates and a bachelorette party.  You had to of been there.  Kansas City was an aboslute blast.  The Great Wolf Lodge was so much fun.  Between the indoor waterpark and the MagiQuest, we stayed busy.  All of which would not have been possible without the main man.  We will miss him this summer.

A Moment of Normal - RnR

My hubby is home for two weeks for RnR.  People have been asking me am I glad he is back.  Yes, of course, but it is so much more than that.  It is like a huge weight had been lifted.  I feel relieved.  Not relieved in the sense of fear for his safety. I'm glad he is safe at home, but that has never been a thought that has held me captive.  I'm relieved by his mere presence, the sense of security and partnership.  We were driving in the truck and I thought to myself, I'm not alone anymore.  He is here and everything is how it should be.  It's nice to feel normal again.  My rock, my safety net, my soft place to land has returned.

Wait for it..Wait for it.. - Deployment Daze 222

After 222 long days, I finally get to see my hubby.  He is scheduled to be returning to the states for RnR soon.  I can't believe it is actually happening.  Several times his RnR was pushed back.  It was disappointing, but you learn to deal with that "hurry up and wait" scenario when you're an Army family.  Regardless, the time I've waited for is here and I couldn't be more excited.

I'm actually surprised by my level of excitement.  I didn't think I would be this effected.  It is like when you pop the tab to a soda and it makes that whoosh sound. All these bubbles rush out and tickle your nose.  Well my tab has been popped.  I realize that while he was gone I had shut down a part of me.  Part of me was on hold, waiting.  With the phone call telling me what day and time to pick him up, my excitement and joy is rising to the surface.  I can't wait.  But I have to...

It's the hardest part.  The waiting!.  While in transit, the communication is null.  We're in limbo.  Waiting for the next call to tell us where he is at, what country.  Watching the news, the weather, the volcano.  Hoping nothing interferes with flights.  Praying everything is on schedule.  Waiting and waiting and waiting..for the words, "I'm in Dallas and I'm getting ready to fly home."

To my honey, I can't believe you'll be home soon.  Every evening is a blessing because it is one more day closer to your arrival.  The kids are so excited to see you.  We've cleaned house like crazy all weekend so it will look nice for your return and when your parents come.  Tux is excited too..he just doesn't know it.  I'm sure when he sees you, he'll be so happy he pees.  I'm probably going to cry when I see you, but I'll try not to.  Hopefully when you get to read this, you'll be right where you belong.  At home!

Play Safe, Play Smart

Deployment

My daughter wrote this poem for a writing contest.  She won for her grade level.


Deployment

Sand and Sun

Colors of green and tan

Combat boots

a year lost

An empty house

An empty bed

Where he used to sleep

Civilian clothes collecting dust

Seeing his tired eyes

Through the computer screen

Unable to embrace him

Loneliness deep in his voice

Counting down the days

Till he returns home

Till we can hold him again

Till we can be a family once more

A Glimpse Forward - Deployment Daze 216

Ever experienced a moment when you feel like you are seeing into the future?  I did this weekend.  My teen daughter had a baby.  Now before anyone freaks out, let me clarify by saying it was a class project.  You know, one of those robot babies that simulate the real thing.

The assignment was to care for this baby for the weekend.  So last Friday, I became a grandmother and my daughter a mother.  What an interesting experience.  The intent of the project was to give young adults the experience of having a child and the hard work it takes.  However, its lesson is just not for the teen.  That weekend I learned some things as well. 

I saw my daughter as an adult. What was scarier is she was just like me!  At times I was really proud.  The important lessons I had been trying to teach her showed.  She was nurturing and attentive.  Doing well on the project was important to her.  She took on the whole role.  She cooked dinner, did her chores and took care of the baby.  We even went grocery shopping.  And yes, the baby demanded attention constantly, even at the most inopportune times.

Then there were the habits I wished she hadn't picked up.  Wanting everything to be perfect.  Trying to do too much.  Stressing out as a result.  Not being able to relax.  The habits that haunt me in my adult life I had passed on to my child.  Damn!

The good thing is that I have seen this and can now work towards teaching her coping skills.  This baby project gave me a new insight into myself.  As for my daughter, she has assertively announced that she is not having kids.  I just laughed.

To my honey, you missed out on the baby project.  I'm sure you are really disappointed.  It was amusing to watch.  Not much is going on.  We look forward to seeing you soon.  Hopefully your air travel will go smoothly and not be interupted by the volcano.  The boat is ready to be put in the water and we can't wait to do some fishing.  I've almost finished my paper and most of my school work will be completed soon.  So we'll have lots of time together.

Play Safe, Play Smart