I met with my advisor the other day regarding finishing my master's program and applying for the doctorate program. I'm going to have make some choices which is always difficult for me. I always worry about making the right one. It reminds me of a story I read once by Sylvia Path.
"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."
I think of this all the time and yet, I still have trouble with choosing. Sometimes looking too far into the future and planning makes moving forward so much harder. This blog, Doctor Who will be a chronicle of my journey to becoming a Ph.D.
So I guess it's time to take the first step toward an goal and not away from one in fear. GRE here I come.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The End is Near
January 2011, Really? Why does it seem that the older I get the faster time flies. It seems that I just don't have the same amount of time to get things done that I did when I was younger. I have been hit with the realization that I'll be finishing my Master's Program this summer. Being the organized, control freak that I am, I also begin to think...then what? Do I continue on into the Ph.D program? Can I even meet the requirements? What about a job? It becomes a mind boggling confused state of "what ifs."
Ph.D program means taking the GRE. YUK! A standardized test that is suppose to reflect whether you will be successful in graduate school. Come on now! I'm already in graduate school carrying a 4.0. Now I have to take on a test that covers high school level algebra, English, etc. I haven't dealt with algebra, geometry, etc. for over 20 years. I don't remember that crap.
So as I get near the end of my Master's Program I need to make some decisions. I meet with my advisor in two weeks to discuss the Ph.D program. We'll see how that goes.
Ph.D program means taking the GRE. YUK! A standardized test that is suppose to reflect whether you will be successful in graduate school. Come on now! I'm already in graduate school carrying a 4.0. Now I have to take on a test that covers high school level algebra, English, etc. I haven't dealt with algebra, geometry, etc. for over 20 years. I don't remember that crap.
So as I get near the end of my Master's Program I need to make some decisions. I meet with my advisor in two weeks to discuss the Ph.D program. We'll see how that goes.
Friday, December 31, 2010
The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly
Today we leave 2010 behind and take a step in the future, 2011. I look back at 2010 to remember the good things that happened, learn from the bad things, and put closure to the ugly things.
THE GOOD - This year I finished my first semester of my Master's program with a 4.0 and entered into my second semester. I took on a new role at work which I really enjoy. My job and the people are great. In May, my husband came home for R&R from Iraq and finally in August was home for good. That was the best part of 2010. We traveled several places this year. My daughter and I traveled to Colorado in July to see one of my childhood friends. Thanks to the power of Facebook I was able to find her and we have been in touch ever since. The family went to Minnesota to watch Vikings play Cowboys. Seeing my Vikings beat Dallas in person was a highlights of 2010. Our trip to California for Thanksgiving was filled with memories as we visited with family, reconnected with old friends, and looked back at my childhood. I saw many good friends from the Fx days and also revisited my grandparents home where I grew up. Kids are doing good in school and are healthy. What more can you ask for? Hubs was finally reunited with his kids this Christmas when they came to visit. All of us had so much fun playing games, rocking out on Rock Band, and opening gifts. Husband and I celebrated our 3rd Anniversary and that in itself is the best part of 2010.
THE BAD - The top spot goes to my daughter who decided to go for a joy ride without a licensed driver and wrecked the truck. Not a fun time but a lesson learned for her. After huge fines, insurance, and a court appearance, she won't being do that again. No one old me the teenage years were the hardest. I've learned a lot about letting go to allow to grow. A very hard lesson to learn.
THE UGLY - the winner is.......hubby's deployment to Iraq. Although it started in 2009, it was still was very definitely present through most of 2010. Sure it could have been a lot worse. It was still ugly and not something you look forward to repeating. Glad it is behind us.
So there you have it. My Good, Bad, Ugly for 2010. As I write this I am realizing that 2010 was a good year. Many more good things happened then bad. Time to move forward into 2011.
THE GOOD - This year I finished my first semester of my Master's program with a 4.0 and entered into my second semester. I took on a new role at work which I really enjoy. My job and the people are great. In May, my husband came home for R&R from Iraq and finally in August was home for good. That was the best part of 2010. We traveled several places this year. My daughter and I traveled to Colorado in July to see one of my childhood friends. Thanks to the power of Facebook I was able to find her and we have been in touch ever since. The family went to Minnesota to watch Vikings play Cowboys. Seeing my Vikings beat Dallas in person was a highlights of 2010. Our trip to California for Thanksgiving was filled with memories as we visited with family, reconnected with old friends, and looked back at my childhood. I saw many good friends from the Fx days and also revisited my grandparents home where I grew up. Kids are doing good in school and are healthy. What more can you ask for? Hubs was finally reunited with his kids this Christmas when they came to visit. All of us had so much fun playing games, rocking out on Rock Band, and opening gifts. Husband and I celebrated our 3rd Anniversary and that in itself is the best part of 2010.
THE BAD - The top spot goes to my daughter who decided to go for a joy ride without a licensed driver and wrecked the truck. Not a fun time but a lesson learned for her. After huge fines, insurance, and a court appearance, she won't being do that again. No one old me the teenage years were the hardest. I've learned a lot about letting go to allow to grow. A very hard lesson to learn.
THE UGLY - the winner is.......hubby's deployment to Iraq. Although it started in 2009, it was still was very definitely present through most of 2010. Sure it could have been a lot worse. It was still ugly and not something you look forward to repeating. Glad it is behind us.
So there you have it. My Good, Bad, Ugly for 2010. As I write this I am realizing that 2010 was a good year. Many more good things happened then bad. Time to move forward into 2011.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Time is Flying
Back again and realize that time has slipped by just like I mentioned in my last blog. There have been several times I have had thoughts to blog about. Yet, I don't have the determination to stop everything and post. It seems my motivation is fleeting. One minute I want to pour out my thoughts and then swoosh, the feeling is gone. So here is a quick summary of my thoughts since I last posted.
Flew out to Cali to visit family for Thanksgiving and reunite with old friends. The plane ride there and back provided these blog thoughts:
Check It at The Curb Damn It!
There should be a flying etiquette book written starting with baggage. If your bag is so heavy and fat that you have to shove it in the overhead then maybe you should have checked it. If the airline offers free baggage check, USE IT! I don't want to be hit in the head with your carry on while you find your seat. Also, I don't want to have to stand and wait to get off the plane while you struggle to get your bag down. I checked mine so I could get off the plane easier. Let me by and you wait.
The Nose Knows
Next chapter, Smells. Don't bring stinky food or use smelly lotions etc. In tight quarters it is nauseating. I don't want to smell your Caesar salad or pepperoni pizza. I also don't want to smell your hand lotion or sanitizer. And leave your shoes on. No one wants to see or smell your bare feet as you prop them up on the seat in front of you. YUK! Your not in your house.
I think people have lost the ability to adjust to group settings and think about others. It is a shame.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Time Keeps on Tick'n
Yeah it's been a while. Why? Because I've been so damn busy. After hubby returned from deployment it has been a whirlwind of activity. School started for the both the kids and I, which also meant that I went back to working 20 hours a week at the university.
Then add the change in family dynamic going from three members back to four. Just scheduling our daily lives between homework, dinner, chores, school activities, is crazy. By the time I realize what's happened the day is over, then a week has past, then two, three and then it's next month.
I thought that this year I would have so much more time: my classes are more manageable; the job allows me to work from home two days a week; and hubby is here to help. Still it seems has if I have less time to get things accomplished.
Maybe as we get older, it seems as if time goes faster. Like sand in an hourglass, towards the end it appears that the sand is falling to the bottom faster than before. Funny how when we want more time, the minutes fly by and when we want something to be over it just drags on and on. As it was during the deployment, long and dragged out. Now that he is back time is fleeting. It worries me sometimes that we'll run out of time. For what, I don't know. Another deployment? A change of some sort? Who knows what is ahead.
Yet, time remains constant. Only 24 hrs in day. No more, no less. Regardless of how we perceive it. So we'll just keep plugg'n along one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Then add the change in family dynamic going from three members back to four. Just scheduling our daily lives between homework, dinner, chores, school activities, is crazy. By the time I realize what's happened the day is over, then a week has past, then two, three and then it's next month.
I thought that this year I would have so much more time: my classes are more manageable; the job allows me to work from home two days a week; and hubby is here to help. Still it seems has if I have less time to get things accomplished.
Maybe as we get older, it seems as if time goes faster. Like sand in an hourglass, towards the end it appears that the sand is falling to the bottom faster than before. Funny how when we want more time, the minutes fly by and when we want something to be over it just drags on and on. As it was during the deployment, long and dragged out. Now that he is back time is fleeting. It worries me sometimes that we'll run out of time. For what, I don't know. Another deployment? A change of some sort? Who knows what is ahead.
Yet, time remains constant. Only 24 hrs in day. No more, no less. Regardless of how we perceive it. So we'll just keep plugg'n along one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Friday, August 13, 2010
The End - Deployment Daze 331
IT'S OVER......That's right. Deployment has ended and hubby is home.
Redeployment ceremony was at 4:00 AM last Friday morning...whoa was that early. It was very difficult to get any sleep that night. Just a few moments here and there of dozing off. Nevertheless, kids and I were awake (barely) and ready to end this journey. The ceremony was thankfully very short and we were reunited and headed home within an hour or so.
Since then it has been a whirlwind of activity. We have been out to eat, on the lake, overnight trip to KC, and shopping like crazy. I love that my hubby likes to shop and has great taste in clothing. He is my personal stylist. It has been great having him home. At times it feels like it never happened.
There have been a few adjustments. Finding clothes all over the floor has been an annoying yet comforting addition. I now have to get back into the routine of cooking dinners again and fighting for my place in the bed. Oh and the age old struggle of too hot or too cold. I like it warm, he likes it cold so out come the blankets and sweaters. It's all good though.
Everyone gives advice on the best way to cope with deployment. All I can say is you get through it the best way you can. As in life, everyone is on their own journey. The advice and stories from others are great information, yet didn't always help or apply to me.
"Stay busy and the year will fly by," was probably the number one recommendation. Well I was plenty busy with two teenagers, a part-time job, and graduate school. It didn't make the time go by any faster. It was still approximately one year and it felt like it. In fact, I believe that being busy made it worse. There were times when I was so overwhelmed that it made the loneliness of deployment that much more obvious. So balance is the key. Busy enough not to be bored and lonely, yet not so overwhelmed that you feel like your drowning and no one is there to save you.
I did many things that supposedly you shouldn't do during deployment. I watched the news. Something we were repeatedly told is not a good idea. Well, I'm a fairly intelligent person and I watch the news because I am interested in what is happening in the world. It kept me informed about what was going on. However, I was also not naive enough to think that everything I heard or read was all there was to the story. I pulled information from a variety of sources and discussed with my hubby. I educated myself on the region he was in so that when a story was reported I was able to make a intelligent assessment. For me not knowing is worse so I stayed informed as best I could.
My hubby and I discussed many things. If something was wrong or there were problems, I talked to him about it just like I would have if he was home. I involved him as much as possible so he still felt connected and a part of the family. He would talk to me about things that bothered him. That is how we are and it works for us. I think it helped make the transition home easier. There weren't any surprises. We both knew what we had gone through.
Although I didn't always follow the advice of seasoned spouses or military personnel, I got through it. At times it was very difficult. At times easy. I am thankful that he was stationed on a base where we had constant communication. Thank God for the technology today that allowed us to talk and see each other daily. That, I know, made all the difference in the world.
As for the rest, it's all about knowing you, your soldier, and your family and what fits best within that dynamic. Listen to the advice of others, take what you need and leave the rest. So I end with this to sum up my deployment experience:
Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way
To my honey, Welcome home!
Redeployment ceremony was at 4:00 AM last Friday morning...whoa was that early. It was very difficult to get any sleep that night. Just a few moments here and there of dozing off. Nevertheless, kids and I were awake (barely) and ready to end this journey. The ceremony was thankfully very short and we were reunited and headed home within an hour or so.
Since then it has been a whirlwind of activity. We have been out to eat, on the lake, overnight trip to KC, and shopping like crazy. I love that my hubby likes to shop and has great taste in clothing. He is my personal stylist. It has been great having him home. At times it feels like it never happened.
There have been a few adjustments. Finding clothes all over the floor has been an annoying yet comforting addition. I now have to get back into the routine of cooking dinners again and fighting for my place in the bed. Oh and the age old struggle of too hot or too cold. I like it warm, he likes it cold so out come the blankets and sweaters. It's all good though.
Everyone gives advice on the best way to cope with deployment. All I can say is you get through it the best way you can. As in life, everyone is on their own journey. The advice and stories from others are great information, yet didn't always help or apply to me.
"Stay busy and the year will fly by," was probably the number one recommendation. Well I was plenty busy with two teenagers, a part-time job, and graduate school. It didn't make the time go by any faster. It was still approximately one year and it felt like it. In fact, I believe that being busy made it worse. There were times when I was so overwhelmed that it made the loneliness of deployment that much more obvious. So balance is the key. Busy enough not to be bored and lonely, yet not so overwhelmed that you feel like your drowning and no one is there to save you.
I did many things that supposedly you shouldn't do during deployment. I watched the news. Something we were repeatedly told is not a good idea. Well, I'm a fairly intelligent person and I watch the news because I am interested in what is happening in the world. It kept me informed about what was going on. However, I was also not naive enough to think that everything I heard or read was all there was to the story. I pulled information from a variety of sources and discussed with my hubby. I educated myself on the region he was in so that when a story was reported I was able to make a intelligent assessment. For me not knowing is worse so I stayed informed as best I could.
My hubby and I discussed many things. If something was wrong or there were problems, I talked to him about it just like I would have if he was home. I involved him as much as possible so he still felt connected and a part of the family. He would talk to me about things that bothered him. That is how we are and it works for us. I think it helped make the transition home easier. There weren't any surprises. We both knew what we had gone through.
Although I didn't always follow the advice of seasoned spouses or military personnel, I got through it. At times it was very difficult. At times easy. I am thankful that he was stationed on a base where we had constant communication. Thank God for the technology today that allowed us to talk and see each other daily. That, I know, made all the difference in the world.
As for the rest, it's all about knowing you, your soldier, and your family and what fits best within that dynamic. Listen to the advice of others, take what you need and leave the rest. So I end with this to sum up my deployment experience:
Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way
To my honey, Welcome home!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Only Way Out is Through - Deployment Daze 323
The final day is here. I woke up this morning and immediately checked my email and the virtual FRG site. No changes. No phone calls. Facebook statuses....normal. Everything is going ahead as scheduled. Ran some errands and came home to.....Facebook comments about delays and new calls from Rear-D. Well crap!
So I check the virtual FRG website and my email, sure enough the times had changed. Pushed back another two hours. Disappointing to say the least. Surprising? Not at all. Seems to be a regular occurrence that the flights get delayed some way some how. Still have not received an official phone call notifying me of the new time, and I'm now over half way through the day. Without Facebook I wouldn't have even known there was a change.
Oh well, what's a girl to do?
The best part of the day was hearing from my hubby that he was boarding a plane home. No one can prepare you for how that changes everything. It finally is sinking in that in less than 24 hrs we will be reunited. It is a weird feeling, full of excitement, impatience, anxiety, and stress.
These final hours are pure torture. Checking websites every few minutes. Waiting for phone calls. Hoping you hear something and then praying you don't. I've been told that the only way out is through. So I go through the rest of day knowing that each hour brings me closer to the end.
To my honey, I will see you soon.
So I check the virtual FRG website and my email, sure enough the times had changed. Pushed back another two hours. Disappointing to say the least. Surprising? Not at all. Seems to be a regular occurrence that the flights get delayed some way some how. Still have not received an official phone call notifying me of the new time, and I'm now over half way through the day. Without Facebook I wouldn't have even known there was a change.
Oh well, what's a girl to do?
The best part of the day was hearing from my hubby that he was boarding a plane home. No one can prepare you for how that changes everything. It finally is sinking in that in less than 24 hrs we will be reunited. It is a weird feeling, full of excitement, impatience, anxiety, and stress.
These final hours are pure torture. Checking websites every few minutes. Waiting for phone calls. Hoping you hear something and then praying you don't. I've been told that the only way out is through. So I go through the rest of day knowing that each hour brings me closer to the end.
To my honey, I will see you soon.
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