One of the Fallen - Deployment Daze 301

Warning:  This blog may be shocking or disturbing as it explores dark thoughts or feelings.  I open up these thoughts in effort to let in the light so that a beacon may show and lead me out of the depths of hell.

Have you ever felt so at the end that there is no more road to journey on.  That no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, be a good person, think about others, somethings comes along that just slaps you down.  No matter how many times you keep trying to get up...Wham! your down again.  Until you just don't want to get up anymore.  Call it karma, fate, bad luck, whatever..it becomes so painful that you stay down, beaten, because you just can do it one more time. 

The past 48 hrs have left me in this dark place.   As I look around I know in my deepest soul that I am alone.  That no one walks this path with me.  I know that my journey's path has been forever changed.  So changed that I question whether my journey is worth continuing.  Life can get so hard that sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not live it.  I guess deployment can do that to you.

I never understood the stories about arguments during deployment and how devastating it could be. I was so proud of how we had handled this deployment.  My husband and I have hardly argued and we were able to talk about everything.  It felt good.   I'm now, however, confronted with the reality that deployment doesn't allow for you to survive unscathed. It gets you down and then stands on you until you stop struggling to rise up.  Until you beg for mercy.  Until you beg to be released from the hell.

I no longer care to rise.  I no longer wish to struggle.  I am done fighting my way to the end of this journey.   I long for the peace of sleep.  I beg for release. I am one of the fallen.