Unforeseen Gift - Deployment Daze 101

Christmas my favorite time of year. The lights, decorations, songs..it all makes me happy. I would have thought this year would be different. My husband deployed to Iraq and my kids visiting their dad, this would be the first Christmas I would be 100% by myself. Many people felt sorry for me and were saddened that I would have a "lonely" Christmas. Strangely enough it wasn't that bad.


Christmas this year was all about me. I enjoyed sleeping in, watching movies, not cooking, doing whatever I want, whenever I want. Some would say that was selfish, not right for Christmas when it should be about giving to others. PHOOEE!! I say it was about self-preservation. Everyone needs time for themselves to relax, refresh, recharge. And that's what I did. No pressures to be somewhere, to do something, to get this done or that done. It was my time.

Would it have been nice to have my husband home and celebrate Christmas like we normally do? YEAH! But that is not reality so you make the best out of what you got.

So I enjoyed my time. It was like being on a spa retreat only I was at my house.

And truthfully I wasn't completely alone. I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my husband via Skype. I received many Holiday wishes from my Facebook Friends and family. I was able to reminisce with my CA friends. I will open gifts with my kids in the next couple of days. So my Christmas was not the tragic drama one would imagine.

To my honey, I love all my gifts for Christmas and our anniversary. The Iraqi crystal is gorgeous and so is the emerald necklace. My absolute favorite though is the ruby pendant you had personally designed by Zales. You won't be able to top that one..although you can try. I ventured out today after the snow had stopped. The roads were completely clear. I was shocked. I think we need to invest in a snow blower. I'm tired of shoveling snow. Love You!

Play Safe, Play Smart

The Future Looking Back - Deployment Daze 87

I read a friends blog today about self-reflection. You know those times when you take an inventory of who you are , where you've been, where you're going. Questions arise in your mind, "What if...?" Did I make the right choice back then? Should I've done that instead of this? Sometimes we are ashamed of our choices, sometimes we realize we made the wrong choice, sometimes we don't like the person we see staring back at us.


I think it is life's natural process for us to go through a personal inventory. It nature's way of having us metamorphous into our next stage. Similar to the phoenix who at the end stage burns up in flames only to rise from the ashes reborn. Looking back I can identify several times in my life that have been my phoenix moments. There was a time when these moments created a great deal of stress and depression. It led to difficulty making decisions for fear of what would happen if...It was always about how is this going to affect my life and those around me tomorrow, a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs. It was driving me crazy.

Then I came across this video, Where Will You Be? by Bright Careers. Although it is about careers and the Chaos Theory, the message can be applied to life in general. It brought me clarity and validation to my life. It made me realize that some of those decisions I made in my past were not bad decisions at all. That the decisions I made were the best ones for me at the time that I made them. It was what I needed to do at that moment in those circumstances.

Now don't get me wrong, I have made some GREAT!!! decisions. As I get older, I am more sure of the decisions I make. It seems like there is less pressure. Maybe because when you're old there is not as much time left to suffer the consequences, lol. Nonetheless, reality is that if you truly self-evaluate you will find times that you aren't proud of. All I have come to realize is it ain't all that bad. And that those so called bad decisions were actually great decisions that probably ended up working out for the best.

So if your reading this watch the video. It might make things a little lighter.

To my honey, I love you and miss you bunches. Christmas just isn't the same. It is extremely cold here and snowed like crazy. I've been using 4w drive on the truck to get around. Looking back I am so glad that my path has led to you. It has made every heartache and painful experience worth it. It would have been nice to fast forward and skip some, but then the end result would not have been the same.

Play Safe, Play Smart

School Crazy - Deployment Daze 80

Two more weeks and schools out....Yeah!!! It is wonderful in so many ways. No classes, no work. Nothing but R&R. The past week has been stressful. A college campus is not the place to be as Christmas approaches. Too many stressed out individuals. I feel the pain as well. My final project and paper had me at wits end. Now that I have completed that assignment I can focus on enjoying the Christmas season.


I had the best weekend. A trip to Topeka for a day of shopping with my best bud was a welcome relief. I think I have been too secluded and locked up. Completely focused on school and nothing else. I did not have enough time at the mall to really get my fix, so weather permitting, I'll have to take another trip to the city.

My weekend was dampened a little by Steelers and Vikings loss in football. Not to mention I may lose this week in fantasy football. I was doing so well. C'es la vie. Luckily I will still be ranked number one and going to the playoffs. It's so much fun to beat a bunch of guys.

Christmas is fast approaching and it will be an interesting end to the year. I do believe this will be a year I am glad to see pass.

To my honey, the weather is getting cold and snowy here. I had a great time shopping. Thank you for the wonderful coat. I sent you a package of goodies. Mason started soccer and loves it. His coaches are tough so he will learn a lot. They focus on ball handling and control. We all miss you. Tux doesn't like going outside anymore so we have to wrap him up in a sweater and coat to keep him warm.

Play Safe, Play Smart

Holiday Cheer - Deployment Daze 74

The holidays are here and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I have had moments of sadness, anger, joy, and numbness. As Thanksgiving approached, I was dreading the long drive to Oklahoma. I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with school work, holiday preparations, etc. My anxiety level was off the charts. I wanted to stay home, alone, and bury myself under the covers. The last thing I wanted to do was drive to Oklahoma and spend Thanksgiving with friends.


As the week progressed and the time for reckoning drew near, I began to feel angry and hateful. Thanksgiving was becoming the holiday that I hated and would never celebrate again. I use to love the holiday season. Thanksgiving through to New Years was my favorite time. I never understood why people hated the holidays. I began to understand. My past Thanksgiving was horrible. This year was headed in that direction.

You see, as I get older, I am getting more selfish with where I spend my time. I don't want to spend my time on stupid, pointless, boring, miserable stuff. My time is precious to me and I want to spend it with people and things that are important. So the idea of 6 hours on the road was not appealing.

The day came to hit the road and I was at wits end. There was no getting out of it. People were depending on me to deliver. So I hit the road in a not too pleasant mood. As the miles rolled on my mood did not improve. I hated Thanksgiving more and more. Here I was wasting time on the road. Then we hit bumper to bumper traffic because some dumbass wanted to be stupid and had a wreck. As I sat there in traffic I kept asking myself "Why?". Why was I doing this if it was creating such misery? Why didn't I tell everyone I wasn't making the drive? Why? Because I'm reliable. I don't bail on people. I take the hit for the team. So there I sat in traffic, miserable.

The time crawled by and my thoughts continued to darken. As my 6 hour drive turned into 9 hours I was grateful just to have reached my destination. I was greeted by my friend and welcomed into their beautiful home on the lake. The negative and miserable feelings melted away as I passed through the door. I don't know what it is but their home has a calming effect. It must be filled with magic. I always feel warm and safe there. Thanksgiving turned out to be wonderful. I had the best time. I finally met all the family I had heard so much about. They were a blast. I am thankful for being able to have Thanksgiving with them. The drive home was uneventful and much more pleasant.

The happy experience saved Thanksgiving for me. I'm still upset about the users in my life. Sick of being treating like crap and then being asked to help as if nothing is wrong. I am tired of giving to hateful, ungrateful, greedy individuals who do nothing but take. My days of charity are over. My time will be spent on the people who matter.

I still love the holidays. Thanks to some amazing people. I have a handle on my final project due in two weeks, the house is ready for Christmas, and I am ready to enjoy my favorite time of year.

To my honey, missed you so much this Thanksgiving. Everyone wished you well and were extremely grateful for your service. They mentioned you in prayer which of course made me cry. Tux had an outstanding time with all the new people to meet and puppies to play with. Everyone loved him. I will have pics and a video for you soon. Weather is really nice here. I thought about you as I watched people dressed in hunting gear. Hunting would have been amazing with the weather being so warm. Hopefully you'll be home next year for Thanksgiving and we'll have to decide where to spend it. We've been invited back out to the lake so everyone can meet you. Then there is Cali and Arkansas. It will be a tough decision unless we're creative and can fit it all in. HA! Love you!

Play Safe, Play Smart

Itchy Sweater - Deployment Daze 66

Number 1 baby! That's right I am sitting in first place in fantasy football. Thanks to the guys who won when they needed to and beat my competition. Couldn't have done it without you.


This week I have been a bit overwhelmed with all the little things. I have my two final projects due for class in December. Feeling the pressure to get them started. Also, trying to get appointments scheduled for dentist, eyes, etc. before the end of the year. Just seems like the days go by too fast to get everything accomplished. Yet at the same time the days drag in relation to deployment. It doesn't seem like we're any closer to him coming home.

I pulled out all of the Christmas decorations and started decorating the tree and house. It is a much more scaled down version then when the man is home. I put up a small bunch of lights outside with the help of a neighbor. The difficulties of being short, you know. There are only a handful of decorations around the house. The tree is the only thing that is getting the normal attention. This year it is a Red, White and Blue theme to show our patriotism. Mini-Brian will be the tree topper. It is coming along. The kids and I should have it finished by Sunday. I love Christmas and decorating. So why am I not in a good mood. I should be happy. I'm not. I'm pissed. What's my problem?

I'm getting to the end of my patience with this whole deployment thing. It irritates me. Like an itchy sweater. You know, the longer you wear it the more irritating it becomes and then anger sets in. You just want to rip the sweater off. Well, what do you do when you can't take the sweater off? Your skin is raw from the irritation and there is no relief. You know the sweater will come off eventually, but that doesn't really matter. It's not only the sweater itself, but when you have to wear it that is the most irritating. Going through this deployment now is like wearing the itchy sweater during the hottest part of summer. Completely unbearable. It's frustrating to not celebrate, your birthday, Thanksgiving, Anniversary, Christmas, son's birthday or daughter's Sweet 16 like you normally would. It is especially irritating because all the events happen with a couple of weeks of each other. So it is a constant reminder that I'm missing out on the things that bring me joy. That even though those events take place there is something wrong, something irritating. A reminder that I'm wearing a damn itchy sweater.

To my honey, as the kids and I decorated the tree, I realized how important you are to us. Your absence leaves a large void. Christmas just won't be the same without you. No lights on the roof. No one to bring up the boxes from the basement. No one to put the ornaments up high on the tree. Just kidding! I really do miss your company. We would have so much fun shopping for the kids. Arguing about how the lights should look on the outside of the house. Opening up our anniversary gifts on Christmas Eve. Oh! and spending way too much on more Christmas ornaments that we don't need. All because we want to do a different theme for the tree. Wish you could come home soon.

Play Safe, Play Smart