The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly

Today we leave 2010 behind and take a step in the future, 2011.  I look back at 2010 to remember the good things that happened, learn from the bad things, and put closure to the ugly things.

THE GOOD - This year I finished my first semester of my Master's program with a 4.0 and entered into my second semester.  I took on a new role at work which I really enjoy.  My job and the people are great.  In May, my husband came home for R&R from Iraq and finally in August was home for good.  That was the best part of 2010.  We traveled several places this year.  My daughter and I traveled to Colorado in July to see one of my childhood friends.  Thanks to the power of Facebook I was able to find her and we have been in touch ever since. The family went to Minnesota to watch Vikings play Cowboys. Seeing my Vikings beat Dallas in person was a highlights of  2010.  Our trip to California for Thanksgiving was filled with memories as we visited with family, reconnected with old friends, and looked back at my childhood.  I saw many good friends from the Fx days and also revisited my grandparents home where I grew up. Kids are doing good in school and are healthy.  What more can you ask for?  Hubs was finally reunited with his kids this Christmas when they came to visit.  All of us had so much fun playing games, rocking out on Rock Band, and opening gifts.  Husband and I celebrated our 3rd Anniversary and that in itself is the best part of 2010.

THE BAD - The top spot goes to my daughter who decided to go for a joy ride without a licensed driver and wrecked the truck.  Not a fun time but a lesson learned for her.  After huge fines, insurance, and a court appearance, she won't being do that again.  No one old me the teenage years were the hardest.  I've learned a lot about letting go to allow to grow.  A very hard lesson to learn.

THE UGLY - the winner is.......hubby's deployment to Iraq.  Although it started in 2009, it was still was very definitely present through most of 2010.  Sure it could have been a lot worse.  It was still ugly and not something you look forward to repeating.  Glad it is behind us.


So there you have it.  My Good, Bad, Ugly for 2010.  As I write this I am realizing that 2010 was a good year.  Many more good things happened then bad.  Time to move forward into 2011.

Time Keeps on Tick'n

Yeah it's been a while.  Why? Because I've been so damn busy.  After hubby returned from deployment it has been a whirlwind of activity.  School started for the both the kids and I, which also meant that I went back to working 20 hours a week at the university.

Then add the change in family dynamic going from three members back to four.  Just scheduling our daily lives between homework, dinner, chores, school activities, is crazy.  By the time I realize what's happened the day is over, then a week has past, then two, three and then it's next month.

I thought that this year I would have so much more time:  my classes are more manageable;  the job allows me to work from home two days a week;  and hubby is here to help.  Still it seems has if I have less time to get things accomplished.

Maybe as we get older, it seems as if time goes faster.  Like sand in an hourglass, towards the end it appears that the sand is falling to the bottom faster than before.  Funny how when we want more time, the minutes fly by and when we want something to be over it just drags on and on.  As it was during the deployment, long and dragged out.  Now that he is back time is fleeting.  It worries me sometimes that we'll run out of time.  For what, I don't know.  Another deployment?  A change of some sort?  Who knows what is ahead.

Yet, time remains constant.  Only 24 hrs in day. No more, no less.  Regardless of how we perceive it. So we'll just keep plugg'n along one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

The End - Deployment Daze 331

IT'S OVER......That's right. Deployment has ended and hubby is home.

Redeployment ceremony was at 4:00 AM last Friday morning...whoa was that early.  It was very difficult to get any sleep that night.  Just a few moments here and there of dozing off.  Nevertheless, kids and I were awake (barely) and ready to end this journey. The ceremony was thankfully very short and we were reunited and headed home within an hour or so.

Since then it has been a whirlwind of activity.  We have been out to eat, on the lake, overnight trip to KC, and shopping like crazy.  I love that my hubby likes to shop and has great taste in clothing.  He is my personal stylist.  It has been great having him home.  At times it feels like it never happened.

There have been a few adjustments.  Finding clothes all over the floor has been an annoying yet comforting addition.  I now have to get back into the routine of cooking dinners again and fighting for my place in the bed.  Oh and the age old struggle of too hot or too cold.  I like it warm, he likes it cold so out come the blankets and sweaters.  It's all good though.

Everyone gives advice on the best way to cope with deployment.  All I can say is you get through it the best way you can.  As in life, everyone is on their own journey.  The advice and stories from others are great information, yet didn't always help or apply to me.

"Stay busy and the year will fly by," was probably the number one recommendation.  Well I was plenty busy with two teenagers, a part-time job, and graduate school. It didn't make the time go by any faster.  It was still approximately one year and it felt like it.  In fact, I believe that being busy made it worse.  There were times when I was so overwhelmed that it made the loneliness of deployment that much more obvious.  So balance is the key.  Busy enough not to be bored and lonely, yet not so overwhelmed that you feel like your drowning and no one is there to save you.

I did many things that supposedly you shouldn't do during deployment.  I watched the news.  Something we were repeatedly told is not a good idea.  Well, I'm a fairly intelligent person and I watch the news because I am interested in what is happening in the world. It kept me informed about what was going on.  However, I was also not naive enough to think that everything I heard or read was all there was to the story.  I pulled information from a variety of sources and discussed with my hubby.  I educated myself on the region he was in so that when a story was reported I was able to make a intelligent assessment. For me not knowing is worse so I stayed informed as best I could.

My hubby and I discussed many things.  If something was wrong or there were problems, I talked to him about it just like I would have if he was home.  I involved him as much as possible so he still felt connected and a part of the family.  He would talk to me about things that bothered him.  That is how we are and it works for us.  I think it helped make the transition home easier.  There weren't any surprises. We both knew what we had gone through.

Although I didn't always follow the advice of seasoned spouses or military personnel, I got through it. At times it was very difficult.  At times easy. I am thankful that he was stationed on a base where we had constant communication.  Thank God for the technology today that allowed us to talk and see each other daily.  That, I know, made all the difference in the world.

As for the rest, it's all about knowing you, your soldier, and your family and what fits best within that dynamic. Listen to the advice of others, take what you need and leave the rest. So I end with this to sum up my deployment experience:

Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way


To my honey,  Welcome home!

Only Way Out is Through - Deployment Daze 323

The final day is here.  I woke up this morning and immediately checked my email and the virtual FRG site.  No changes.  No phone calls.  Facebook statuses....normal.  Everything is going ahead as scheduled.  Ran some errands and came home to.....Facebook comments about delays and new calls from Rear-D.  Well crap!

So I check the virtual FRG website and my email, sure enough the times had changed.  Pushed back another two hours.  Disappointing to say the least.  Surprising? Not at all.  Seems to be a regular occurrence that the flights get delayed some way some how.  Still have not received an official phone call notifying me of the new time, and I'm now over half way through the day.  Without Facebook I wouldn't have even known there was a change.

Oh well, what's a girl to do?

The best part of the day was hearing from my hubby that he was boarding a plane home.  No one can prepare you for how that changes everything.  It finally is sinking in that in less than 24 hrs we will be reunited.  It is a weird feeling, full of excitement, impatience, anxiety, and stress.

These final hours are pure torture.  Checking websites every few minutes.  Waiting for phone calls.  Hoping you hear something and then praying you don't.  I've been told that the only way out is through.  So I go through the rest of day knowing that each hour brings me closer to the end.

To my honey, I will see you soon.

When Is It My Turn? - Deployment Daze 321

Finally!!!! Received the phone call today.  The wait has been excruciating.  Going into the last week waiting for some type of announcement, email, phone call, anything was driving me nuts.  Sure I talked with hubby and had an idea of what to expect.  However, getting the official call from "the powers-that-be" makes it real.  It is actually happening...and soon!

Wow!  This means that I'm close to ending this crazy journey called deployment.  It is hard for me to reflect on my experiences over the last year because the last few weeks have skewed my judgement.  So I'll save that for another time.  Right now, I wait and watch.

Watch the time tick slowly and the calendar days roll by.  I've been busy...however that hasn't helped make these last few days any easier.  I think this has been the hardest part.  It is frustrating to say the least.  Knowing that everyone is just waiting...soldier husband waiting for a flight....you waiting for a date and time...watching others celebrate redeployment.  I'm happy for them and yet there is that inner child screaming.."I want my turn!"  "When is it my turn?"  Then I feel guilty for sounding selfish.  Whew!  The emotions are running from one end of the spectrum to another. Guilt, excitement, anger, sadness, frustration, joy, laughter, humor..they're all here, like one big party in my head.

So I keep busy cleaning so the house looks nice.  Getting the dog groomed, boat cleaned, and his truck detailed..oh and the hair, nails, etc.  so everything looks good including me.  And still the time ticks slowly and the days roll by....

And I... wait... for my turn!

To my honey, Patience is not one of my virtues....

Redeployment Delirium - Deployment Daze 317

Don't mess with a woman on the edge!  What edge?  The edge of redeployment...which also means the edge of insanity.  What's wrong with me?  I have Redeployment Delirium.  It is a form of delirium brought on by the slow torture of waiting for your husband to redeploy home. 

Delirium: A temporary state of mental confusion. Characterized by anxiety, disorientation, hallucinations, delusions, and incoherent speech. A state of uncontrolled excitement or emotion.

I have experienced everyone of these symptoms.  I was wondering why my words, ringing clear in my head, would get all twisted up and come out a complete mess.  I sound like a blabbering idiot have the time.
The closer the possible return date approaches the worse the delirium becomes.  Although I don't feel anxious, there is a feeling of tension in the air.  I don't know how to explain it, except that there is a change in the energy surrounding me.  The kids feel it.  The dog senses it.  I notice that everyone is just a little on edge.  Tempers are shorter, emotions are higher and my dog is acting a fool.  It seems like there has been a shift in the cosmic force of the universe.

Of course what has led me to this state of mind is the damn Deployment Curse (Curses).  Everyday it is something. Some little thing that doesn't go just right.   If this deployment doesn't end soon my husband may have to come visit me in a psych ward (not a crazy house type, but more like a resort/spa type). Add to that the limbo that you are forced to endure as you wait.... and wait.... and wait for this unknown, date and time.  Knowing it is getting close, yet not knowing "officially" when.  No way to make plans.  No way to let anyone know.  No wonder we're all going crazy.

Sadly, there is no cure for this ailment.  No quick fix.  No pill.  It is has run it's course.  So I face everyday with hope and faith as each one brings me one step closer to the end.  Closer to normalcy.  Until then..... DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN ON THE EDGE!!

To my honey, I'll let you know if my address has changed to the "Military Wives Nut House Resort and Spa".  When you get off the bus come get me, ok?

Curses - Deployment Daze 313

Have I told you I hate grass?  I don't get the love affair out here in the Midwest with huge lawns.  They are nothing but a waste.  Waste of time, energy and water.  See where I come from, lawns, if they exist at all, are small.  A tiny patch in the front maybe one in the back with built in sprinkler system.  It may take four swipes with a mower.  Not here in Kansas.  Lawns have to be huge.  So I hate grass.  And let me add I HATE DEPLOYMENT.

This current confession arises from my battle with the lawn mower yesterday.  We have a huge yard to mow which includes a steep hill.  Add a deployment which means I'm the lucky one to keep it mowed.  Throw in a push mower and you can hear me cursing all the way in Iraq. So I try to avoid and put off as long as possible mowing the yard.  Every time it rains I curse the sky for making my grass grow.  Well deployment is almost over so I can't avoid it any longer.

When deployment is nearing the end everything changes.  You want everything to look nice and things to be in order so your husband doesn't have to deal with it when he gets home.  I mean the last thing he is going to want to see is 5 ft high grass when he pulls into the driveway.  So out came the lawn mower and off I went.  Except after maybe four swipes the lawn mower quits.  Great!  Like I know how to fix a lawn mower.  No one told me to take mechanic lessons before he left. So as I pull and pull and pull the damn cord, my self-talk kicks in and it isn't pretty.  Everything related to this deployment takes a hit.  With every pull..."Stupid government...." "Dumb (beep) President Bush..." "Why didn't HE leave me a (beep) mower that is easy to use!"  "I'm too old for this (beep)."  "Come on...give me a (beep) break, will ya?" You get the picture.  So I dropped to ground, in the middle of my huge back yard, where everyone can see, flat on my back, face to the sky, arms and legs sprawled out, and cried.  "Why?"  "What did I do to deserve this?" 

STOP right there!  Hold On!  Don't even think it.  I'm not some cry baby. Let me back up a little and clarify.  I didn't crumble into a blubbering idiot because of this one incident.  No.  My voyage towards mental meltdown started two weeks ago. The lawn mowing fiasco is one of many disasters that have hit.

You see, there's one thing that will descend upon you during a deployment.  Everyone will warn you about it.  They even try to prepare you for it with classes and legal paper work.  You laugh it off thinking it won't happen to you.  (I did.)  But, no one escapes unscathed.  It's Murphy's Law....what can go wrong will go wrong.  I call it the Deployment Curse.

I had been going along fairly smoothly throughout this deployment.  No major incidents.  Nothing broken, lost, damaged, falling apart, etc. (Well except for the dog almost dying from chocolate see A Little Luck.) But other than that, nothing! Until  now. As we near the end of deployment it seems as the whole world is falling apart. A year's worth of the curse all saved up for the last few weeks.  About seven things have happened in past two weeks ranging from a car accident in his truck to a coffee flooded break room.  So when the lawn mower decided to die that was it.  I could take no more.  Went into the house, called a lawn service and scheduled a mowing for this week.

Each day that brings me closer to the end of this thing called deployment also brings a sense of apprehension.  What next?  Needless to say I can't wait for this deployment to be over and exorcise this curse from our lives.

Did  I tell you I hate grass?

To my honey, HURRY UP!!!!!

I Against I - Deployment Daze 310

Although I would love to be able to say that I was the brilliant mind who wrote the following, I can't.  That would be plagiarism.  You see, I bought my daughter this book which is part of the series Ghostgirl by Tonya Hurley.  She loves the books and is now on the third in the series called Lovesick.  Besides the great story, each chapter has a blog written by the character. This particular blog has a lot of meaning for my daughter and I right now.  The past few weeks have been extremely difficult.  In tribute to my daughter, I share this excerpt from the book with you.

I Against I (from the book Ghostgirl, Lovesick by Tonya Hurley)
We are often so distracted by the internal war between what we want to do and what we have to do that we overlook what we need to do.  Not need in the sense of an obligation to others, but in the sense of a compulsion to preserve our own sanity.  When doing what others think we should do comes into direct conflict with what our heads or hearts demand, it's time to choose whether our top priority is to please others or to please ourselves.

How do we know that our heart or head is working in our best interest?  Sometimes we can be blinded by emotions that don't let us see the big picture.  Advice from our family and friends may be better for us then our own distorted view.  So how do you know which to choose?

To my honey,  I know these last few weeks have been extremely stressful.  It seems like everything waited until the end to completely fall apart.  Don't worry about us.  Although it may seem that we are adrift in the sea of chaos, we will be fine.  We have it handled on the home front and eagerly await your return.  When you get back you can kick some booty it that makes you feel better.  The lake is still way up so it will be interesting fishing this season.  I will have the boat pulled and cleaned this week so it is ready when you get home.  Love you and see you soon.

A Little Blasé - Deployment Daze 294

I received a notice from USPS today to come pick up a package.  I knew that this was the two boxes that my soldier husband had sent home.  Boxes full of stuff that made life more bearable in the sandbox.  He has moved to tent city which means redeployment is nearing.  Exciting right?  One would think so and yet...I'm blasé. So what exactly does that mean?

Blasé - having indulged so much as to be unexcited, satiated,bored, indifferent

That says it all.  I just want it done.  I'm tired of my life revolving around this all consuming event.  There is just nothing left to give to this thing call deployment.  No more tears, frustration, excitement, anticipation, joy, or any other emotion.

So as I look towards redeployment, I struggle to find the sense of excitement that would seem appropriate for such an occasion.  For me it is just one more thing between me and my man. I want to fast forward to the moment when I get to walk away with my husband and our life is not dictated by time zones, Internet speed, missions and missed phone calls.   When our moments together aren't crushed by the overloaded bandwidth and inconvenient dropped connections.  Which of course happens at the most critical moments.

Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to celebrate!  Just not within clutches of the beast.  I've had my fill of deployment and I'm ready to move on.  Ready to throw a party!  Just me, him and the kids.  And...Deployment is not  invited.

To my honey, as we near the final moments all I can think of is the drive home.  While other envision running and jumping into their spouses arms, I think about how I can snatch you from the evil beast and run away with you.  I wonder," Would they notice?"  "How much trouble would we be in?"  I guess it is ok to fantasize.  I know for you it is different.  I understand the importance of coming home and having the closure that only a redeployment ceremony can bring you.  And because of its importance to your transition from one world to the other, I will share you if only for a brief moment.  After that you're ALL MINE!

The Horror of It - Deployment Daze 246

You would think as the end of deployment gets closer it would be a downhill ride.  Everything easier and lighter.  My husband's brigade is starting to come home.  The first group arrived today so the end is near.  That proverbial light at the end of tunnel is shining bright. Yet, I couldn't feel worse.

It is hard to describe this feeling.  I feel farther away from him then when this whole thing started.  Like the long months of deployment have finally taken their toll.  In horror movies, they show someone running down a hall hoping to reach the door at the end.  Yet as they run, the halls seems to stretch longer and longer. No matter how hard they run they'll never make it out.  That's me!  Running.  Trying to get to the end. Watching the hall stretching and the door getting farther away.  Fearing that the door will never be reached.  If the door is not reached soon...it will never open!

What's behind the door? Life!  Just like in the horror movie.  Get out the door you get to live. Stay and your dead.  What's dead?   Maybe a little piece of us or me. I don't know and I don't want to find out.  So I'm running down the hall.  And I'm frustrated, irritated and tired.

You would think it would be easier.  Well it isn't. Two months doesn't sound like a long time when 10 months have already passed. But when YOUR living it, when YOUR running down the hall that never ends,  it seems like forever.

Back at the Beginning - Deployment Daze 239

Said goodbye today...UGH!  Didn't think it would be this hard.  It is just like in the beginning when he first left.  Of course I had to be strong.  Said my goodbyes, kissed and I walked away.  Just couldn't stay to watch him walk through the security check point and onto the tarmac.

Arrived home and was greeted by my wonderful dog who looked at me knowingly with those big brown eyes.  That is when I lost it.  I boo hooed and my dog sat their compassionately and listened.  I'm so ready for this to be over.

I'm tired!  Tired of trying to be so strong, brave, solid.  It's exhausting! Although it is only a couple more months it seems like an eternity.  Once again the loneliness sets in.  Although he drives me crazy sometimes when he is here, the empty space without him is so much worse. 

To my honey, miss you so much.  I spent most of the day cleaning up the house. It was obvious that you were here.  Laundry alone is going to take me at least a week to finish.  Tux is depressed without his buddy to rough house with him.  It will take us a few days to get into some type of normal routine again. The last two weeks were great.  We are looking forward to the time when you can come home to stay.  I plan on picking out some new furniture this weekend and if all goes well starting a exercise routine.  Fly safe and we'll talk soon. Love you!

Play Safe, Play Smart

Whirlwind of Activity - RnR

We're winding down our couple of weeks of RnR. Tomorrow he returns to Iraq.  Whew! It has been a whirlwind of activity.  There hasn't been much time for blogging.  I have thoroughly enjoyed these two weeks although they have been hectic at times.  We accomplished a lot of important to-do items and enjoyed a wonderful statecation. 

My daughter is learning how to drive and with the purchase of a new, used car, she is learning how to drive a standard.  Before long she will have her official license.  (SCARY!)  My hubby is amazingly patient with her.  I don't see how he stays so calm.

We enjoyed many wonderful meals including a wild dinner with his parents, the boyfriend, prom dates and a bachelorette party.  You had to of been there.  Kansas City was an aboslute blast.  The Great Wolf Lodge was so much fun.  Between the indoor waterpark and the MagiQuest, we stayed busy.  All of which would not have been possible without the main man.  We will miss him this summer.

A Moment of Normal - RnR

My hubby is home for two weeks for RnR.  People have been asking me am I glad he is back.  Yes, of course, but it is so much more than that.  It is like a huge weight had been lifted.  I feel relieved.  Not relieved in the sense of fear for his safety. I'm glad he is safe at home, but that has never been a thought that has held me captive.  I'm relieved by his mere presence, the sense of security and partnership.  We were driving in the truck and I thought to myself, I'm not alone anymore.  He is here and everything is how it should be.  It's nice to feel normal again.  My rock, my safety net, my soft place to land has returned.

Wait for it..Wait for it.. - Deployment Daze 222

After 222 long days, I finally get to see my hubby.  He is scheduled to be returning to the states for RnR soon.  I can't believe it is actually happening.  Several times his RnR was pushed back.  It was disappointing, but you learn to deal with that "hurry up and wait" scenario when you're an Army family.  Regardless, the time I've waited for is here and I couldn't be more excited.

I'm actually surprised by my level of excitement.  I didn't think I would be this effected.  It is like when you pop the tab to a soda and it makes that whoosh sound. All these bubbles rush out and tickle your nose.  Well my tab has been popped.  I realize that while he was gone I had shut down a part of me.  Part of me was on hold, waiting.  With the phone call telling me what day and time to pick him up, my excitement and joy is rising to the surface.  I can't wait.  But I have to...

It's the hardest part.  The waiting!.  While in transit, the communication is null.  We're in limbo.  Waiting for the next call to tell us where he is at, what country.  Watching the news, the weather, the volcano.  Hoping nothing interferes with flights.  Praying everything is on schedule.  Waiting and waiting and waiting..for the words, "I'm in Dallas and I'm getting ready to fly home."

To my honey, I can't believe you'll be home soon.  Every evening is a blessing because it is one more day closer to your arrival.  The kids are so excited to see you.  We've cleaned house like crazy all weekend so it will look nice for your return and when your parents come.  Tux is excited too..he just doesn't know it.  I'm sure when he sees you, he'll be so happy he pees.  I'm probably going to cry when I see you, but I'll try not to.  Hopefully when you get to read this, you'll be right where you belong.  At home!

Play Safe, Play Smart

Deployment

My daughter wrote this poem for a writing contest.  She won for her grade level.


Deployment

Sand and Sun

Colors of green and tan

Combat boots

a year lost

An empty house

An empty bed

Where he used to sleep

Civilian clothes collecting dust

Seeing his tired eyes

Through the computer screen

Unable to embrace him

Loneliness deep in his voice

Counting down the days

Till he returns home

Till we can hold him again

Till we can be a family once more

Too Much On the Plate - Deployment Daze 206

My son comes home with a paper from school describing the 5th grade science project requirements. OH NO!  I thought to myself.  Do the schools understand exactly what they are asking?  The timing couldn't have been worst.  Husband deployed so I'm single parenting it right now.  Working and in graduate school which means I too have homework.  In fact two large projects due at the same time as my son's science project.

I know what you're thinking, "It is his project let him do it."  That sounds good in theory.  What people fail to realize is that to complete a fairly decent project the child needs help.  It requires time from the parent to help facilitate and supply the project.  Well, when your limited on time and there is only you it makes for a very stressful situation.

So there I was, two projects due this weekend.  A science project that needed to be started and a whole list of other things that needed to get done.  After a mental meltdown, freak out, and then some deep breathing, I did what any quality parent would do.  Put my homework on hold, rallied the troops, and started the 5th grade science project.  My son, his big sis , her boyfriend, and I got to work.  We conducted the experiment and have our results.  Now just the display has to be put together.

Although I was stressed by the inconvenience, I realize that as a parent some things come first.  There are times, well many times, when you have to sacrifice.  Kids need your time and energy.  It is proven that students who have parents that make school work a priority and actually spend time to work with them are more successful in school.  It is also proven that it impacts their future as an adult.  Too many times I have seen students struggle, not because they can't do the work, but because the adult in their life doesn't put the effort in to help or check.  The child has no support.  If you want your child to be successful in school, you, the parent, must make it a priority.

I know sometimes it can be overwhelming.  I know sometimes the work doesn't make sense.  Nevertheless, the parents actions influence the path the child takes.  I am comforted by the fact that we worked through the difficulties and accomplished what we needed to today.  Science project is half way completed.  And the bonus?  Both my assignments are done as well.

To my honey, sorry that we didn't have much time to talk today.  As you know it was a stressful time.  I was a bit overwhelmed with everything that had to get done.  Thanks for being patient with me.  I miss you very much.  I know you think I'm this superwoman, but honestly, it is time to hang up my cape.  I getting too old for this s***t.  It has been warm here.  I hope the weather stays this way so we can go out on the boat when you're here for RnR.  After today, I'm thinking Mexico might be a great destination for our upcoming family trip!  Lounging by the pool, swimming in the cenote, and a snorkeling day at Xhel-Ha beach.  Back the bags!

The Twilight Zone - Deployment Daze 202

Your traveling through another dimension.  A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind....  You've entered the Twilight Zone. (Not really, it's Kansas)

To some of you these words uttered by Rod Serling will be familiar. If you're to young to know the show, it was a show about ordinary people who found themselves in strange, bizarre and most often scary places.  Places that did not make sense.  Where nothing was how it should be.  People were not how they should be.  Lately that is how I have been feeling.  Disconnected, out of place in the world.  Nothing fits, I don't fit.  For the first time, I truly feel uncomfortable in my life.

Can I put my finger on what it is? Not really.  I don't know if it is the emotional wear and tear of deployment, the isolation, the culture, or what?  I just want to run from this place screaming.  If you were to ask me to explain it I couldn't.  Something is out of place.   I fear now that something is me!

The kids love it here.  They love their school and have great friends.  For them it has been wonderful.  For that I am grateful.  However, that is the nature of the Twilight Zone.  Only the main character is stuck in the other dimension.  So for now I'm stuck.  Stuck inside the journey through the Twilight Zone

To my honey,  RnR can not get here soon enough. I can't believe we finally have official dates.  At least as close to official as you can get with the Army.  Information changes and morphs into something else that sometimes I wonder if I ever knew what was going on in the first place.  Hopefully, we will be enjoying RnR soon and according to plan.  I need some sense of stability, sanity, some normalcy that only you can provide.   I look forward to having some fun!  Oh! Our delivery date got moved up..so baby will be here in two weeks!  I'll let you know how it goes.

Play Safe, Play Smart

The End is Near - Deployment Daze 191

Wow! I just looked back and saw that I hadn't written in almost a month. Has it been that long? I guess with school, kids, work and life stuff..time has slipped away. There have been several time I thought about blogging. Just didn't have enough motivation. Mostly because I have been developing a webpage for a class assignment and that has used up all my desire to be on the computer.

As for deployment, we're almost at RnR. It will be a fun and interesting time. I'm looking forward to exciting adventures.

To my honey, can't wait for RnR. Hopefully your trip will be smooth and uneventful. Oh, the due date is April 23. We're going to have a baby in the house. Isn't that exciting! Talk to you soon Grandpa!

Play Safe, Play Smart

Frozen in Time - Deployment Daze 166

I've missed a week. Just not able to pour forth any words of wisdom or self-revelation. Truth be told, I'm stuck. Stuck in life. Stopped, halted, suspended. FROZEN! that's it frozen in time like the mammoths found by scientists. Perfectly preserved and stopped in mid life. That is where I'm at in this deployment.

This cold hard comparison hit me when I went to the lake to check on the boat. It has snowed a good amount here and that created some issues on our boat. More specifically a huge accumulation of snow on our boat cover which turned into a giant iceberg. Several times we, the kids and I have, have tried to remove it. There was no budging it or breaking it up. It was solid ice. During the day it would melt a little and then refreeze. It was a revolving problem with no end. The cover was slowly sinking towards the boat floor. It was a mess. It is times like this when you really feel the weight of deployment. The helplessness.

So days passed, my state of frozen suspension lingering, I had to go back to lake to pick out our boat slip for the summer. I checked on my iceberg. Yep! Still there. Still frozen. Still a big pain in my ass. Now the carpet was frozen and a complete slippery mess. Slipping and sliding, I chipped away at the iceberg. Pieces would come off but no progress in making it moveable. I was still getting nowhere. I didn't give up though. I knew that I had to be doing some good. Removing any amount of ice was progress. Then it happened! The huge block of ice moved. It slid. I could manipulate it enough to slide it out the door and let it fall to the ground.

I was on a mission now. There was hope! I was going to shove this iceberg off the side no matter what. I pushed and slipped. Pushed and slipped. It wasn't easy at all. And then when I thought that it wasn't going to go any farther, it slid enough over the edge that gravity took over. It fell off the side and hit the ground with a huge "THUD" Didn't even shatter. Just one giant piece of ice sitting on the ground.

SUCCESS!!! I was so excited and proud of myself. Although personally I'm still frozen in my own iceberg, I know that every effort to chip away at my cold prison is worth it. Each day moves us closer to end of this deployment. Each day breaks up the ice. One day the door will open and my frozen encasement will slide right off. Time will move forward. Life will move forward. And this experience will be moment in history, preserved like the frozen mammoths.

To my honey, well I have the boat squared away. We have an awesome slip for when you're here on RnR. I removed the iceberg using my superpowers of course. I know you thought it was funny when you watched the video. As you can see your presence is missed greatly. Could have really used your muscles on that one. The sun shows itself every now and then. I'm so sick of snow, cold, and being alone. God! Just the description of it is enough to send me screaming. The absolute loneliness combined with the depressing weather..UGH! I've been working out on the treadmill and have now started sit-ups and planks. Not much fun in those. Love you..hope to see you soon.

Play Safe, Play Smart

Back in Time - Deployment Daze 151

As I go through my week, many different thoughts and topics come to mind that I want to blog about. Some are philosophical. Some are just frustrations that I want to rant about. The raw emotion of the moment drive me to want to write about it. After a few days, that desperation wanes and the issue isn't as serious as it seemed. Which can be a good thing because putting some of my thoughts in writing would be not be a good idea. There are those who would not take kindly to what I have to say and extreme drama would ensue. Drama which I don't care to experience.

So as I was trying to decide what to write about, I looked back at my blogs. I started with the first one written on DDay 1 and read every one finishing with last week. Wow! what a journey. Some made me laugh as I recall that moment in time. Others left me thoughtful. And although some of those moments recall painful and tearful times, none of them made me sad.

After reading the blogs from the first few days of deployment, I feel like I have gone back in time. Eventhough we are half way to the end, it seems as if it's the beginning again. Is it suppose to feel this way? Everyone says that it will go by fast now. What a bunch of crap! One year is one year. 365 days no more no less. As I think about the time, it seems like six months has been just that if not longer. And six months more will feel just as long as before.

I truly thought that I would have this sense of relief. That there would be some type of change, a cosmic shift in the universe or something. Nope! Still here. Holidays came and went. Birthdays came and went. And there is no more sense of getting to the finish line then when he left on DDay1.

This experience has been life changing. Now it's old. Been there. Done that. Time for something new. Time to get off this ride. Maybe it's the rut. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe the truth of all that is happening has really hit. All I know is that it feels like I've gone back in time.

To my honey, I re-read my blogs that I have written the last six months. There were many funny moments that made me laugh. It's Valentine's Day and I miss you very much. The flowers you sent were amazing. What truly touched my heart, more than anything, was the beautiful flowers you sent to M. She loved them and it made her feel so special. Thank you for showing her that good guys do exist. Your willingness to accept both kids into your life and be a parent and role model never ceases to amaze me. Oh, I went to the boat today to deal with the ice and experienced an EPIC FAILURE. The cover still has an iceberg in it and it is unhooked from one corner. I've given up. I do not have the muscle power or help to solve the problem. I'll add it to the Honey Do List that is waiting for your return. We're still practicing M's driving which has me terrified on a daily basis. That also is added to your list.

Play Safe, Play Smart