Don't mess with a woman on the edge! What edge? The edge of redeployment...which also means the edge of insanity. What's wrong with me? I have Redeployment Delirium. It is a form of delirium brought on by the slow torture of waiting for your husband to redeploy home.
Delirium: A temporary state of mental confusion. Characterized by anxiety, disorientation, hallucinations, delusions, and incoherent speech. A state of uncontrolled excitement or emotion.
I have experienced everyone of these symptoms. I was wondering why my words, ringing clear in my head, would get all twisted up and come out a complete mess. I sound like a blabbering idiot have the time.
The closer the possible return date approaches the worse the delirium becomes. Although I don't feel anxious, there is a feeling of tension in the air. I don't know how to explain it, except that there is a change in the energy surrounding me. The kids feel it. The dog senses it. I notice that everyone is just a little on edge. Tempers are shorter, emotions are higher and my dog is acting a fool. It seems like there has been a shift in the cosmic force of the universe.
Of course what has led me to this state of mind is the damn Deployment Curse (Curses). Everyday it is something. Some little thing that doesn't go just right. If this deployment doesn't end soon my husband may have to come visit me in a psych ward (not a crazy house type, but more like a resort/spa type). Add to that the limbo that you are forced to endure as you wait.... and wait.... and wait for this unknown, date and time. Knowing it is getting close, yet not knowing "officially" when. No way to make plans. No way to let anyone know. No wonder we're all going crazy.
Sadly, there is no cure for this ailment. No quick fix. No pill. It is has run it's course. So I face everyday with hope and faith as each one brings me one step closer to the end. Closer to normalcy. Until then..... DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN ON THE EDGE!!
To my honey, I'll let you know if my address has changed to the "Military Wives Nut House Resort and Spa". When you get off the bus come get me, ok?
Friday, July 30, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Curses - Deployment Daze 313
Have I told you I hate grass? I don't get the love affair out here in the Midwest with huge lawns. They are nothing but a waste. Waste of time, energy and water. See where I come from, lawns, if they exist at all, are small. A tiny patch in the front maybe one in the back with built in sprinkler system. It may take four swipes with a mower. Not here in Kansas. Lawns have to be huge. So I hate grass. And let me add I HATE DEPLOYMENT.
This current confession arises from my battle with the lawn mower yesterday. We have a huge yard to mow which includes a steep hill. Add a deployment which means I'm the lucky one to keep it mowed. Throw in a push mower and you can hear me cursing all the way in Iraq. So I try to avoid and put off as long as possible mowing the yard. Every time it rains I curse the sky for making my grass grow. Well deployment is almost over so I can't avoid it any longer.
When deployment is nearing the end everything changes. You want everything to look nice and things to be in order so your husband doesn't have to deal with it when he gets home. I mean the last thing he is going to want to see is 5 ft high grass when he pulls into the driveway. So out came the lawn mower and off I went. Except after maybe four swipes the lawn mower quits. Great! Like I know how to fix a lawn mower. No one told me to take mechanic lessons before he left. So as I pull and pull and pull the damn cord, my self-talk kicks in and it isn't pretty. Everything related to this deployment takes a hit. With every pull..."Stupid government...." "Dumb (beep) President Bush..." "Why didn't HE leave me a (beep) mower that is easy to use!" "I'm too old for this (beep)." "Come on...give me a (beep) break, will ya?" You get the picture. So I dropped to ground, in the middle of my huge back yard, where everyone can see, flat on my back, face to the sky, arms and legs sprawled out, and cried. "Why?" "What did I do to deserve this?"
STOP right there! Hold On! Don't even think it. I'm not some cry baby. Let me back up a little and clarify. I didn't crumble into a blubbering idiot because of this one incident. No. My voyage towards mental meltdown started two weeks ago. The lawn mowing fiasco is one of many disasters that have hit.
You see, there's one thing that will descend upon you during a deployment. Everyone will warn you about it. They even try to prepare you for it with classes and legal paper work. You laugh it off thinking it won't happen to you. (I did.) But, no one escapes unscathed. It's Murphy's Law....what can go wrong will go wrong. I call it the Deployment Curse.
I had been going along fairly smoothly throughout this deployment. No major incidents. Nothing broken, lost, damaged, falling apart, etc. (Well except for the dog almost dying from chocolate see A Little Luck.) But other than that, nothing! Until now. As we near the end of deployment it seems as the whole world is falling apart. A year's worth of the curse all saved up for the last few weeks. About seven things have happened in past two weeks ranging from a car accident in his truck to a coffee flooded break room. So when the lawn mower decided to die that was it. I could take no more. Went into the house, called a lawn service and scheduled a mowing for this week.
Each day that brings me closer to the end of this thing called deployment also brings a sense of apprehension. What next? Needless to say I can't wait for this deployment to be over and exorcise this curse from our lives.
Did I tell you I hate grass?
To my honey, HURRY UP!!!!!
This current confession arises from my battle with the lawn mower yesterday. We have a huge yard to mow which includes a steep hill. Add a deployment which means I'm the lucky one to keep it mowed. Throw in a push mower and you can hear me cursing all the way in Iraq. So I try to avoid and put off as long as possible mowing the yard. Every time it rains I curse the sky for making my grass grow. Well deployment is almost over so I can't avoid it any longer.
When deployment is nearing the end everything changes. You want everything to look nice and things to be in order so your husband doesn't have to deal with it when he gets home. I mean the last thing he is going to want to see is 5 ft high grass when he pulls into the driveway. So out came the lawn mower and off I went. Except after maybe four swipes the lawn mower quits. Great! Like I know how to fix a lawn mower. No one told me to take mechanic lessons before he left. So as I pull and pull and pull the damn cord, my self-talk kicks in and it isn't pretty. Everything related to this deployment takes a hit. With every pull..."Stupid government...." "Dumb (beep) President Bush..." "Why didn't HE leave me a (beep) mower that is easy to use!" "I'm too old for this (beep)." "Come on...give me a (beep) break, will ya?" You get the picture. So I dropped to ground, in the middle of my huge back yard, where everyone can see, flat on my back, face to the sky, arms and legs sprawled out, and cried. "Why?" "What did I do to deserve this?"
STOP right there! Hold On! Don't even think it. I'm not some cry baby. Let me back up a little and clarify. I didn't crumble into a blubbering idiot because of this one incident. No. My voyage towards mental meltdown started two weeks ago. The lawn mowing fiasco is one of many disasters that have hit.
You see, there's one thing that will descend upon you during a deployment. Everyone will warn you about it. They even try to prepare you for it with classes and legal paper work. You laugh it off thinking it won't happen to you. (I did.) But, no one escapes unscathed. It's Murphy's Law....what can go wrong will go wrong. I call it the Deployment Curse.
I had been going along fairly smoothly throughout this deployment. No major incidents. Nothing broken, lost, damaged, falling apart, etc. (Well except for the dog almost dying from chocolate see A Little Luck.) But other than that, nothing! Until now. As we near the end of deployment it seems as the whole world is falling apart. A year's worth of the curse all saved up for the last few weeks. About seven things have happened in past two weeks ranging from a car accident in his truck to a coffee flooded break room. So when the lawn mower decided to die that was it. I could take no more. Went into the house, called a lawn service and scheduled a mowing for this week.
Each day that brings me closer to the end of this thing called deployment also brings a sense of apprehension. What next? Needless to say I can't wait for this deployment to be over and exorcise this curse from our lives.
Did I tell you I hate grass?
To my honey, HURRY UP!!!!!
Friday, July 23, 2010
I Against I - Deployment Daze 310
Although I would love to be able to say that I was the brilliant mind who wrote the following, I can't. That would be plagiarism. You see, I bought my daughter this book which is part of the series Ghostgirl by Tonya Hurley. She loves the books and is now on the third in the series called Lovesick. Besides the great story, each chapter has a blog written by the character. This particular blog has a lot of meaning for my daughter and I right now. The past few weeks have been extremely difficult. In tribute to my daughter, I share this excerpt from the book with you.
I Against I (from the book Ghostgirl, Lovesick by Tonya Hurley)
We are often so distracted by the internal war between what we want to do and what we have to do that we overlook what we need to do. Not need in the sense of an obligation to others, but in the sense of a compulsion to preserve our own sanity. When doing what others think we should do comes into direct conflict with what our heads or hearts demand, it's time to choose whether our top priority is to please others or to please ourselves.
How do we know that our heart or head is working in our best interest? Sometimes we can be blinded by emotions that don't let us see the big picture. Advice from our family and friends may be better for us then our own distorted view. So how do you know which to choose?
To my honey, I know these last few weeks have been extremely stressful. It seems like everything waited until the end to completely fall apart. Don't worry about us. Although it may seem that we are adrift in the sea of chaos, we will be fine. We have it handled on the home front and eagerly await your return. When you get back you can kick some booty it that makes you feel better. The lake is still way up so it will be interesting fishing this season. I will have the boat pulled and cleaned this week so it is ready when you get home. Love you and see you soon.
I Against I (from the book Ghostgirl, Lovesick by Tonya Hurley)
We are often so distracted by the internal war between what we want to do and what we have to do that we overlook what we need to do. Not need in the sense of an obligation to others, but in the sense of a compulsion to preserve our own sanity. When doing what others think we should do comes into direct conflict with what our heads or hearts demand, it's time to choose whether our top priority is to please others or to please ourselves.
How do we know that our heart or head is working in our best interest? Sometimes we can be blinded by emotions that don't let us see the big picture. Advice from our family and friends may be better for us then our own distorted view. So how do you know which to choose?
To my honey, I know these last few weeks have been extremely stressful. It seems like everything waited until the end to completely fall apart. Don't worry about us. Although it may seem that we are adrift in the sea of chaos, we will be fine. We have it handled on the home front and eagerly await your return. When you get back you can kick some booty it that makes you feel better. The lake is still way up so it will be interesting fishing this season. I will have the boat pulled and cleaned this week so it is ready when you get home. Love you and see you soon.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
One of the Fallen - Deployment Daze 301
Warning: This blog may be shocking or disturbing as it explores dark thoughts or feelings. I open up these thoughts in effort to let in the light so that a beacon may show and lead me out of the depths of hell.
Have you ever felt so at the end that there is no more road to journey on. That no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, be a good person, think about others, somethings comes along that just slaps you down. No matter how many times you keep trying to get up...Wham! your down again. Until you just don't want to get up anymore. Call it karma, fate, bad luck, whatever..it becomes so painful that you stay down, beaten, because you just can do it one more time.
The past 48 hrs have left me in this dark place. As I look around I know in my deepest soul that I am alone. That no one walks this path with me. I know that my journey's path has been forever changed. So changed that I question whether my journey is worth continuing. Life can get so hard that sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not live it. I guess deployment can do that to you.
I never understood the stories about arguments during deployment and how devastating it could be. I was so proud of how we had handled this deployment. My husband and I have hardly argued and we were able to talk about everything. It felt good. I'm now, however, confronted with the reality that deployment doesn't allow for you to survive unscathed. It gets you down and then stands on you until you stop struggling to rise up. Until you beg for mercy. Until you beg to be released from the hell.
I no longer care to rise. I no longer wish to struggle. I am done fighting my way to the end of this journey. I long for the peace of sleep. I beg for release. I am one of the fallen.
Have you ever felt so at the end that there is no more road to journey on. That no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, be a good person, think about others, somethings comes along that just slaps you down. No matter how many times you keep trying to get up...Wham! your down again. Until you just don't want to get up anymore. Call it karma, fate, bad luck, whatever..it becomes so painful that you stay down, beaten, because you just can do it one more time.
The past 48 hrs have left me in this dark place. As I look around I know in my deepest soul that I am alone. That no one walks this path with me. I know that my journey's path has been forever changed. So changed that I question whether my journey is worth continuing. Life can get so hard that sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not live it. I guess deployment can do that to you.
I never understood the stories about arguments during deployment and how devastating it could be. I was so proud of how we had handled this deployment. My husband and I have hardly argued and we were able to talk about everything. It felt good. I'm now, however, confronted with the reality that deployment doesn't allow for you to survive unscathed. It gets you down and then stands on you until you stop struggling to rise up. Until you beg for mercy. Until you beg to be released from the hell.
I no longer care to rise. I no longer wish to struggle. I am done fighting my way to the end of this journey. I long for the peace of sleep. I beg for release. I am one of the fallen.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
A Little Blasé - Deployment Daze 294
I received a notice from USPS today to come pick up a package. I knew that this was the two boxes that my soldier husband had sent home. Boxes full of stuff that made life more bearable in the sandbox. He has moved to tent city which means redeployment is nearing. Exciting right? One would think so and yet...I'm blasé. So what exactly does that mean?
Blasé - having indulged so much as to be unexcited, satiated,bored, indifferent
That says it all. I just want it done. I'm tired of my life revolving around this all consuming event. There is just nothing left to give to this thing call deployment. No more tears, frustration, excitement, anticipation, joy, or any other emotion.
So as I look towards redeployment, I struggle to find the sense of excitement that would seem appropriate for such an occasion. For me it is just one more thing between me and my man. I want to fast forward to the moment when I get to walk away with my husband and our life is not dictated by time zones, Internet speed, missions and missed phone calls. When our moments together aren't crushed by the overloaded bandwidth and inconvenient dropped connections. Which of course happens at the most critical moments.
Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to celebrate! Just not within clutches of the beast. I've had my fill of deployment and I'm ready to move on. Ready to throw a party! Just me, him and the kids. And...Deployment is not invited.
To my honey, as we near the final moments all I can think of is the drive home. While other envision running and jumping into their spouses arms, I think about how I can snatch you from the evil beast and run away with you. I wonder," Would they notice?" "How much trouble would we be in?" I guess it is ok to fantasize. I know for you it is different. I understand the importance of coming home and having the closure that only a redeployment ceremony can bring you. And because of its importance to your transition from one world to the other, I will share you if only for a brief moment. After that you're ALL MINE!
Blasé - having indulged so much as to be unexcited, satiated,bored, indifferent
That says it all. I just want it done. I'm tired of my life revolving around this all consuming event. There is just nothing left to give to this thing call deployment. No more tears, frustration, excitement, anticipation, joy, or any other emotion.
So as I look towards redeployment, I struggle to find the sense of excitement that would seem appropriate for such an occasion. For me it is just one more thing between me and my man. I want to fast forward to the moment when I get to walk away with my husband and our life is not dictated by time zones, Internet speed, missions and missed phone calls. When our moments together aren't crushed by the overloaded bandwidth and inconvenient dropped connections. Which of course happens at the most critical moments.
Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to celebrate! Just not within clutches of the beast. I've had my fill of deployment and I'm ready to move on. Ready to throw a party! Just me, him and the kids. And...Deployment is not invited.
To my honey, as we near the final moments all I can think of is the drive home. While other envision running and jumping into their spouses arms, I think about how I can snatch you from the evil beast and run away with you. I wonder," Would they notice?" "How much trouble would we be in?" I guess it is ok to fantasize. I know for you it is different. I understand the importance of coming home and having the closure that only a redeployment ceremony can bring you. And because of its importance to your transition from one world to the other, I will share you if only for a brief moment. After that you're ALL MINE!
Monday, June 28, 2010
It's In The Stars - Deployment Daze 285
So I haven't posted in a while. Because I have been buried in school work for this damn Master's degree that I decided to pursue. You know you're in trouble when the teacher tells you that a 12 week course is going to be crammed into 4 weeks without modification. So view every day as one week's worth of time. Seriously??!!! So that is how my June has started and it still going until July 2nd. Oh did I mention I have two classes this summer. WTH was I thinking?
Anyway, I have a brief moment in time to mentally relax my mind so I pick up this book I was given called You Astrology Guide to 2010. It's from my mom. I open up to June and read, "On a grand scale, your life is being propelled forward and outward, yet you might feel so overwhelmed that you want to go into hiding or flee to a spiritual retreat." (I just started laughing) You know one of those maniacal laughs of a person going mad. Since I'm already finished with June that warning note is a little late. I guess I should have read this before June happened. I wonder, "Would it have influenced my decisions?"
That got me thinking, Is our life predestined? The map laid out in the stars when we were born? How much influence do we have in changing our course or are our decisions just leading us to the inevitable? If we studied our path would we make better choices and avoid pitfalls. If I had read the book before making my decision about summer courses would it have changed my choices? Or maybe it is not until we have experienced something that we realize the impact of our choices. Hindsight is 20/20.
Well, this class from hell is winding down. One more week and then it will just be one class which is a little lighter and more manageable. Hopefully, I will be able to enjoy my summer and get ready for the return of my soldier husband. I'm going to be looking at July. Hopefully it talks about a lot of rest and relaxation.
To my honey, I know we haven't had much time to interact. I miss you a whole bunch. In a month you should be here and we can enjoy some fun in the sun. The boat is waiting and wipers will be popp'n. My book says that I will fall in love hard and fast with someone who suddenly apears in my life on August 7. Hmmm! Maybe the stars know more than the US Army.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Anyway, I have a brief moment in time to mentally relax my mind so I pick up this book I was given called You Astrology Guide to 2010. It's from my mom. I open up to June and read, "On a grand scale, your life is being propelled forward and outward, yet you might feel so overwhelmed that you want to go into hiding or flee to a spiritual retreat." (I just started laughing) You know one of those maniacal laughs of a person going mad. Since I'm already finished with June that warning note is a little late. I guess I should have read this before June happened. I wonder, "Would it have influenced my decisions?"
That got me thinking, Is our life predestined? The map laid out in the stars when we were born? How much influence do we have in changing our course or are our decisions just leading us to the inevitable? If we studied our path would we make better choices and avoid pitfalls. If I had read the book before making my decision about summer courses would it have changed my choices? Or maybe it is not until we have experienced something that we realize the impact of our choices. Hindsight is 20/20.
Well, this class from hell is winding down. One more week and then it will just be one class which is a little lighter and more manageable. Hopefully, I will be able to enjoy my summer and get ready for the return of my soldier husband. I'm going to be looking at July. Hopefully it talks about a lot of rest and relaxation.
To my honey, I know we haven't had much time to interact. I miss you a whole bunch. In a month you should be here and we can enjoy some fun in the sun. The boat is waiting and wipers will be popp'n. My book says that I will fall in love hard and fast with someone who suddenly apears in my life on August 7. Hmmm! Maybe the stars know more than the US Army.
Play Safe, Play Smart
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Oil That Is
I'm not one to rant much about politics or current event situations. Mostly because, there is always more to the story then is usually provided by the media or anyone else for that matter. As a Communications major I learned a long time ago that any information can be spun to portray anything you want. There are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle. Let's face it! Unless you're actually involved in the situation you truly don't know what's happening.
Which brings me to this big mess in the Gulf. Damn! Another oil spill. I remember when the Exxon Valdez spewed oil all over the ocean up by Alaska. I chopped up my credit card and haven't used Exxon gas since. So there is no argument that this is a huge mess. Many people screwed up and many people and wildlife will suffer. That's the facts. What I have trouble with is this idea that the head of BP should resign, be fired or step down. That he and his company should not be dealing with the clean up. What the hell?! I think he should be the one cleaning up the mess. Having him quit, resign, whatever is allowing him to just step away. Giving him the easy out. No way!
I was always taught when you make a mistake, you admit it. You clean up the mess, make amends, whatever it takes. But in today's world it seems that isn't the case. Everyone wants to gripe, complain, blame, etc. I give BP and it's leader some credit for owning up and staying in there to fix it. They have a long hard road ahead. But someone has to take the first steps.
Which brings me to this big mess in the Gulf. Damn! Another oil spill. I remember when the Exxon Valdez spewed oil all over the ocean up by Alaska. I chopped up my credit card and haven't used Exxon gas since. So there is no argument that this is a huge mess. Many people screwed up and many people and wildlife will suffer. That's the facts. What I have trouble with is this idea that the head of BP should resign, be fired or step down. That he and his company should not be dealing with the clean up. What the hell?! I think he should be the one cleaning up the mess. Having him quit, resign, whatever is allowing him to just step away. Giving him the easy out. No way!
I was always taught when you make a mistake, you admit it. You clean up the mess, make amends, whatever it takes. But in today's world it seems that isn't the case. Everyone wants to gripe, complain, blame, etc. I give BP and it's leader some credit for owning up and staying in there to fix it. They have a long hard road ahead. But someone has to take the first steps.
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