IT'S OVER......That's right. Deployment has ended and hubby is home.
Redeployment ceremony was at 4:00 AM last Friday morning...whoa was that early. It was very difficult to get any sleep that night. Just a few moments here and there of dozing off. Nevertheless, kids and I were awake (barely) and ready to end this journey. The ceremony was thankfully very short and we were reunited and headed home within an hour or so.
Since then it has been a whirlwind of activity. We have been out to eat, on the lake, overnight trip to KC, and shopping like crazy. I love that my hubby likes to shop and has great taste in clothing. He is my personal stylist. It has been great having him home. At times it feels like it never happened.
There have been a few adjustments. Finding clothes all over the floor has been an annoying yet comforting addition. I now have to get back into the routine of cooking dinners again and fighting for my place in the bed. Oh and the age old struggle of too hot or too cold. I like it warm, he likes it cold so out come the blankets and sweaters. It's all good though.
Everyone gives advice on the best way to cope with deployment. All I can say is you get through it the best way you can. As in life, everyone is on their own journey. The advice and stories from others are great information, yet didn't always help or apply to me.
"Stay busy and the year will fly by," was probably the number one recommendation. Well I was plenty busy with two teenagers, a part-time job, and graduate school. It didn't make the time go by any faster. It was still approximately one year and it felt like it. In fact, I believe that being busy made it worse. There were times when I was so overwhelmed that it made the loneliness of deployment that much more obvious. So balance is the key. Busy enough not to be bored and lonely, yet not so overwhelmed that you feel like your drowning and no one is there to save you.
I did many things that supposedly you shouldn't do during deployment. I watched the news. Something we were repeatedly told is not a good idea. Well, I'm a fairly intelligent person and I watch the news because I am interested in what is happening in the world. It kept me informed about what was going on. However, I was also not naive enough to think that everything I heard or read was all there was to the story. I pulled information from a variety of sources and discussed with my hubby. I educated myself on the region he was in so that when a story was reported I was able to make a intelligent assessment. For me not knowing is worse so I stayed informed as best I could.
My hubby and I discussed many things. If something was wrong or there were problems, I talked to him about it just like I would have if he was home. I involved him as much as possible so he still felt connected and a part of the family. He would talk to me about things that bothered him. That is how we are and it works for us. I think it helped make the transition home easier. There weren't any surprises. We both knew what we had gone through.
Although I didn't always follow the advice of seasoned spouses or military personnel, I got through it. At times it was very difficult. At times easy. I am thankful that he was stationed on a base where we had constant communication. Thank God for the technology today that allowed us to talk and see each other daily. That, I know, made all the difference in the world.
As for the rest, it's all about knowing you, your soldier, and your family and what fits best within that dynamic. Listen to the advice of others, take what you need and leave the rest. So I end with this to sum up my deployment experience:
Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way
To my honey, Welcome home!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Only Way Out is Through - Deployment Daze 323
The final day is here. I woke up this morning and immediately checked my email and the virtual FRG site. No changes. No phone calls. Facebook statuses....normal. Everything is going ahead as scheduled. Ran some errands and came home to.....Facebook comments about delays and new calls from Rear-D. Well crap!
So I check the virtual FRG website and my email, sure enough the times had changed. Pushed back another two hours. Disappointing to say the least. Surprising? Not at all. Seems to be a regular occurrence that the flights get delayed some way some how. Still have not received an official phone call notifying me of the new time, and I'm now over half way through the day. Without Facebook I wouldn't have even known there was a change.
Oh well, what's a girl to do?
The best part of the day was hearing from my hubby that he was boarding a plane home. No one can prepare you for how that changes everything. It finally is sinking in that in less than 24 hrs we will be reunited. It is a weird feeling, full of excitement, impatience, anxiety, and stress.
These final hours are pure torture. Checking websites every few minutes. Waiting for phone calls. Hoping you hear something and then praying you don't. I've been told that the only way out is through. So I go through the rest of day knowing that each hour brings me closer to the end.
To my honey, I will see you soon.
So I check the virtual FRG website and my email, sure enough the times had changed. Pushed back another two hours. Disappointing to say the least. Surprising? Not at all. Seems to be a regular occurrence that the flights get delayed some way some how. Still have not received an official phone call notifying me of the new time, and I'm now over half way through the day. Without Facebook I wouldn't have even known there was a change.
Oh well, what's a girl to do?
The best part of the day was hearing from my hubby that he was boarding a plane home. No one can prepare you for how that changes everything. It finally is sinking in that in less than 24 hrs we will be reunited. It is a weird feeling, full of excitement, impatience, anxiety, and stress.
These final hours are pure torture. Checking websites every few minutes. Waiting for phone calls. Hoping you hear something and then praying you don't. I've been told that the only way out is through. So I go through the rest of day knowing that each hour brings me closer to the end.
To my honey, I will see you soon.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
When Is It My Turn? - Deployment Daze 321
Finally!!!! Received the phone call today. The wait has been excruciating. Going into the last week waiting for some type of announcement, email, phone call, anything was driving me nuts. Sure I talked with hubby and had an idea of what to expect. However, getting the official call from "the powers-that-be" makes it real. It is actually happening...and soon!
Wow! This means that I'm close to ending this crazy journey called deployment. It is hard for me to reflect on my experiences over the last year because the last few weeks have skewed my judgement. So I'll save that for another time. Right now, I wait and watch.
Watch the time tick slowly and the calendar days roll by. I've been busy...however that hasn't helped make these last few days any easier. I think this has been the hardest part. It is frustrating to say the least. Knowing that everyone is just waiting...soldier husband waiting for a flight....you waiting for a date and time...watching others celebrate redeployment. I'm happy for them and yet there is that inner child screaming.."I want my turn!" "When is it my turn?" Then I feel guilty for sounding selfish. Whew! The emotions are running from one end of the spectrum to another. Guilt, excitement, anger, sadness, frustration, joy, laughter, humor..they're all here, like one big party in my head.
So I keep busy cleaning so the house looks nice. Getting the dog groomed, boat cleaned, and his truck detailed..oh and the hair, nails, etc. so everything looks good including me. And still the time ticks slowly and the days roll by....
And I... wait... for my turn!
To my honey, Patience is not one of my virtues....
Wow! This means that I'm close to ending this crazy journey called deployment. It is hard for me to reflect on my experiences over the last year because the last few weeks have skewed my judgement. So I'll save that for another time. Right now, I wait and watch.
Watch the time tick slowly and the calendar days roll by. I've been busy...however that hasn't helped make these last few days any easier. I think this has been the hardest part. It is frustrating to say the least. Knowing that everyone is just waiting...soldier husband waiting for a flight....you waiting for a date and time...watching others celebrate redeployment. I'm happy for them and yet there is that inner child screaming.."I want my turn!" "When is it my turn?" Then I feel guilty for sounding selfish. Whew! The emotions are running from one end of the spectrum to another. Guilt, excitement, anger, sadness, frustration, joy, laughter, humor..they're all here, like one big party in my head.
So I keep busy cleaning so the house looks nice. Getting the dog groomed, boat cleaned, and his truck detailed..oh and the hair, nails, etc. so everything looks good including me. And still the time ticks slowly and the days roll by....
And I... wait... for my turn!
To my honey, Patience is not one of my virtues....
Friday, July 30, 2010
Redeployment Delirium - Deployment Daze 317
Don't mess with a woman on the edge! What edge? The edge of redeployment...which also means the edge of insanity. What's wrong with me? I have Redeployment Delirium. It is a form of delirium brought on by the slow torture of waiting for your husband to redeploy home.
Delirium: A temporary state of mental confusion. Characterized by anxiety, disorientation, hallucinations, delusions, and incoherent speech. A state of uncontrolled excitement or emotion.
I have experienced everyone of these symptoms. I was wondering why my words, ringing clear in my head, would get all twisted up and come out a complete mess. I sound like a blabbering idiot have the time.
The closer the possible return date approaches the worse the delirium becomes. Although I don't feel anxious, there is a feeling of tension in the air. I don't know how to explain it, except that there is a change in the energy surrounding me. The kids feel it. The dog senses it. I notice that everyone is just a little on edge. Tempers are shorter, emotions are higher and my dog is acting a fool. It seems like there has been a shift in the cosmic force of the universe.
Of course what has led me to this state of mind is the damn Deployment Curse (Curses). Everyday it is something. Some little thing that doesn't go just right. If this deployment doesn't end soon my husband may have to come visit me in a psych ward (not a crazy house type, but more like a resort/spa type). Add to that the limbo that you are forced to endure as you wait.... and wait.... and wait for this unknown, date and time. Knowing it is getting close, yet not knowing "officially" when. No way to make plans. No way to let anyone know. No wonder we're all going crazy.
Sadly, there is no cure for this ailment. No quick fix. No pill. It is has run it's course. So I face everyday with hope and faith as each one brings me one step closer to the end. Closer to normalcy. Until then..... DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN ON THE EDGE!!
To my honey, I'll let you know if my address has changed to the "Military Wives Nut House Resort and Spa". When you get off the bus come get me, ok?
Delirium: A temporary state of mental confusion. Characterized by anxiety, disorientation, hallucinations, delusions, and incoherent speech. A state of uncontrolled excitement or emotion.
I have experienced everyone of these symptoms. I was wondering why my words, ringing clear in my head, would get all twisted up and come out a complete mess. I sound like a blabbering idiot have the time.
The closer the possible return date approaches the worse the delirium becomes. Although I don't feel anxious, there is a feeling of tension in the air. I don't know how to explain it, except that there is a change in the energy surrounding me. The kids feel it. The dog senses it. I notice that everyone is just a little on edge. Tempers are shorter, emotions are higher and my dog is acting a fool. It seems like there has been a shift in the cosmic force of the universe.
Of course what has led me to this state of mind is the damn Deployment Curse (Curses). Everyday it is something. Some little thing that doesn't go just right. If this deployment doesn't end soon my husband may have to come visit me in a psych ward (not a crazy house type, but more like a resort/spa type). Add to that the limbo that you are forced to endure as you wait.... and wait.... and wait for this unknown, date and time. Knowing it is getting close, yet not knowing "officially" when. No way to make plans. No way to let anyone know. No wonder we're all going crazy.
Sadly, there is no cure for this ailment. No quick fix. No pill. It is has run it's course. So I face everyday with hope and faith as each one brings me one step closer to the end. Closer to normalcy. Until then..... DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN ON THE EDGE!!
To my honey, I'll let you know if my address has changed to the "Military Wives Nut House Resort and Spa". When you get off the bus come get me, ok?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Curses - Deployment Daze 313
Have I told you I hate grass? I don't get the love affair out here in the Midwest with huge lawns. They are nothing but a waste. Waste of time, energy and water. See where I come from, lawns, if they exist at all, are small. A tiny patch in the front maybe one in the back with built in sprinkler system. It may take four swipes with a mower. Not here in Kansas. Lawns have to be huge. So I hate grass. And let me add I HATE DEPLOYMENT.
This current confession arises from my battle with the lawn mower yesterday. We have a huge yard to mow which includes a steep hill. Add a deployment which means I'm the lucky one to keep it mowed. Throw in a push mower and you can hear me cursing all the way in Iraq. So I try to avoid and put off as long as possible mowing the yard. Every time it rains I curse the sky for making my grass grow. Well deployment is almost over so I can't avoid it any longer.
When deployment is nearing the end everything changes. You want everything to look nice and things to be in order so your husband doesn't have to deal with it when he gets home. I mean the last thing he is going to want to see is 5 ft high grass when he pulls into the driveway. So out came the lawn mower and off I went. Except after maybe four swipes the lawn mower quits. Great! Like I know how to fix a lawn mower. No one told me to take mechanic lessons before he left. So as I pull and pull and pull the damn cord, my self-talk kicks in and it isn't pretty. Everything related to this deployment takes a hit. With every pull..."Stupid government...." "Dumb (beep) President Bush..." "Why didn't HE leave me a (beep) mower that is easy to use!" "I'm too old for this (beep)." "Come on...give me a (beep) break, will ya?" You get the picture. So I dropped to ground, in the middle of my huge back yard, where everyone can see, flat on my back, face to the sky, arms and legs sprawled out, and cried. "Why?" "What did I do to deserve this?"
STOP right there! Hold On! Don't even think it. I'm not some cry baby. Let me back up a little and clarify. I didn't crumble into a blubbering idiot because of this one incident. No. My voyage towards mental meltdown started two weeks ago. The lawn mowing fiasco is one of many disasters that have hit.
You see, there's one thing that will descend upon you during a deployment. Everyone will warn you about it. They even try to prepare you for it with classes and legal paper work. You laugh it off thinking it won't happen to you. (I did.) But, no one escapes unscathed. It's Murphy's Law....what can go wrong will go wrong. I call it the Deployment Curse.
I had been going along fairly smoothly throughout this deployment. No major incidents. Nothing broken, lost, damaged, falling apart, etc. (Well except for the dog almost dying from chocolate see A Little Luck.) But other than that, nothing! Until now. As we near the end of deployment it seems as the whole world is falling apart. A year's worth of the curse all saved up for the last few weeks. About seven things have happened in past two weeks ranging from a car accident in his truck to a coffee flooded break room. So when the lawn mower decided to die that was it. I could take no more. Went into the house, called a lawn service and scheduled a mowing for this week.
Each day that brings me closer to the end of this thing called deployment also brings a sense of apprehension. What next? Needless to say I can't wait for this deployment to be over and exorcise this curse from our lives.
Did I tell you I hate grass?
To my honey, HURRY UP!!!!!
This current confession arises from my battle with the lawn mower yesterday. We have a huge yard to mow which includes a steep hill. Add a deployment which means I'm the lucky one to keep it mowed. Throw in a push mower and you can hear me cursing all the way in Iraq. So I try to avoid and put off as long as possible mowing the yard. Every time it rains I curse the sky for making my grass grow. Well deployment is almost over so I can't avoid it any longer.
When deployment is nearing the end everything changes. You want everything to look nice and things to be in order so your husband doesn't have to deal with it when he gets home. I mean the last thing he is going to want to see is 5 ft high grass when he pulls into the driveway. So out came the lawn mower and off I went. Except after maybe four swipes the lawn mower quits. Great! Like I know how to fix a lawn mower. No one told me to take mechanic lessons before he left. So as I pull and pull and pull the damn cord, my self-talk kicks in and it isn't pretty. Everything related to this deployment takes a hit. With every pull..."Stupid government...." "Dumb (beep) President Bush..." "Why didn't HE leave me a (beep) mower that is easy to use!" "I'm too old for this (beep)." "Come on...give me a (beep) break, will ya?" You get the picture. So I dropped to ground, in the middle of my huge back yard, where everyone can see, flat on my back, face to the sky, arms and legs sprawled out, and cried. "Why?" "What did I do to deserve this?"
STOP right there! Hold On! Don't even think it. I'm not some cry baby. Let me back up a little and clarify. I didn't crumble into a blubbering idiot because of this one incident. No. My voyage towards mental meltdown started two weeks ago. The lawn mowing fiasco is one of many disasters that have hit.
You see, there's one thing that will descend upon you during a deployment. Everyone will warn you about it. They even try to prepare you for it with classes and legal paper work. You laugh it off thinking it won't happen to you. (I did.) But, no one escapes unscathed. It's Murphy's Law....what can go wrong will go wrong. I call it the Deployment Curse.
I had been going along fairly smoothly throughout this deployment. No major incidents. Nothing broken, lost, damaged, falling apart, etc. (Well except for the dog almost dying from chocolate see A Little Luck.) But other than that, nothing! Until now. As we near the end of deployment it seems as the whole world is falling apart. A year's worth of the curse all saved up for the last few weeks. About seven things have happened in past two weeks ranging from a car accident in his truck to a coffee flooded break room. So when the lawn mower decided to die that was it. I could take no more. Went into the house, called a lawn service and scheduled a mowing for this week.
Each day that brings me closer to the end of this thing called deployment also brings a sense of apprehension. What next? Needless to say I can't wait for this deployment to be over and exorcise this curse from our lives.
Did I tell you I hate grass?
To my honey, HURRY UP!!!!!
Friday, July 23, 2010
I Against I - Deployment Daze 310
Although I would love to be able to say that I was the brilliant mind who wrote the following, I can't. That would be plagiarism. You see, I bought my daughter this book which is part of the series Ghostgirl by Tonya Hurley. She loves the books and is now on the third in the series called Lovesick. Besides the great story, each chapter has a blog written by the character. This particular blog has a lot of meaning for my daughter and I right now. The past few weeks have been extremely difficult. In tribute to my daughter, I share this excerpt from the book with you.
I Against I (from the book Ghostgirl, Lovesick by Tonya Hurley)
We are often so distracted by the internal war between what we want to do and what we have to do that we overlook what we need to do. Not need in the sense of an obligation to others, but in the sense of a compulsion to preserve our own sanity. When doing what others think we should do comes into direct conflict with what our heads or hearts demand, it's time to choose whether our top priority is to please others or to please ourselves.
How do we know that our heart or head is working in our best interest? Sometimes we can be blinded by emotions that don't let us see the big picture. Advice from our family and friends may be better for us then our own distorted view. So how do you know which to choose?
To my honey, I know these last few weeks have been extremely stressful. It seems like everything waited until the end to completely fall apart. Don't worry about us. Although it may seem that we are adrift in the sea of chaos, we will be fine. We have it handled on the home front and eagerly await your return. When you get back you can kick some booty it that makes you feel better. The lake is still way up so it will be interesting fishing this season. I will have the boat pulled and cleaned this week so it is ready when you get home. Love you and see you soon.
I Against I (from the book Ghostgirl, Lovesick by Tonya Hurley)
We are often so distracted by the internal war between what we want to do and what we have to do that we overlook what we need to do. Not need in the sense of an obligation to others, but in the sense of a compulsion to preserve our own sanity. When doing what others think we should do comes into direct conflict with what our heads or hearts demand, it's time to choose whether our top priority is to please others or to please ourselves.
How do we know that our heart or head is working in our best interest? Sometimes we can be blinded by emotions that don't let us see the big picture. Advice from our family and friends may be better for us then our own distorted view. So how do you know which to choose?
To my honey, I know these last few weeks have been extremely stressful. It seems like everything waited until the end to completely fall apart. Don't worry about us. Although it may seem that we are adrift in the sea of chaos, we will be fine. We have it handled on the home front and eagerly await your return. When you get back you can kick some booty it that makes you feel better. The lake is still way up so it will be interesting fishing this season. I will have the boat pulled and cleaned this week so it is ready when you get home. Love you and see you soon.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
One of the Fallen - Deployment Daze 301
Warning: This blog may be shocking or disturbing as it explores dark thoughts or feelings. I open up these thoughts in effort to let in the light so that a beacon may show and lead me out of the depths of hell.
Have you ever felt so at the end that there is no more road to journey on. That no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, be a good person, think about others, somethings comes along that just slaps you down. No matter how many times you keep trying to get up...Wham! your down again. Until you just don't want to get up anymore. Call it karma, fate, bad luck, whatever..it becomes so painful that you stay down, beaten, because you just can do it one more time.
The past 48 hrs have left me in this dark place. As I look around I know in my deepest soul that I am alone. That no one walks this path with me. I know that my journey's path has been forever changed. So changed that I question whether my journey is worth continuing. Life can get so hard that sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not live it. I guess deployment can do that to you.
I never understood the stories about arguments during deployment and how devastating it could be. I was so proud of how we had handled this deployment. My husband and I have hardly argued and we were able to talk about everything. It felt good. I'm now, however, confronted with the reality that deployment doesn't allow for you to survive unscathed. It gets you down and then stands on you until you stop struggling to rise up. Until you beg for mercy. Until you beg to be released from the hell.
I no longer care to rise. I no longer wish to struggle. I am done fighting my way to the end of this journey. I long for the peace of sleep. I beg for release. I am one of the fallen.
Have you ever felt so at the end that there is no more road to journey on. That no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, be a good person, think about others, somethings comes along that just slaps you down. No matter how many times you keep trying to get up...Wham! your down again. Until you just don't want to get up anymore. Call it karma, fate, bad luck, whatever..it becomes so painful that you stay down, beaten, because you just can do it one more time.
The past 48 hrs have left me in this dark place. As I look around I know in my deepest soul that I am alone. That no one walks this path with me. I know that my journey's path has been forever changed. So changed that I question whether my journey is worth continuing. Life can get so hard that sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not live it. I guess deployment can do that to you.
I never understood the stories about arguments during deployment and how devastating it could be. I was so proud of how we had handled this deployment. My husband and I have hardly argued and we were able to talk about everything. It felt good. I'm now, however, confronted with the reality that deployment doesn't allow for you to survive unscathed. It gets you down and then stands on you until you stop struggling to rise up. Until you beg for mercy. Until you beg to be released from the hell.
I no longer care to rise. I no longer wish to struggle. I am done fighting my way to the end of this journey. I long for the peace of sleep. I beg for release. I am one of the fallen.
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